The Whispering tower

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The sun sat drooping slightly over the arid landscape. The earth was hard and sparsely vegetated; the imprint of hundreds of running feet from over the years was prominent. The abandoned school bell tower hung in the backdrop, like a guardian angel, over this ground. The tower seemed to be a wise old owl, with hundreds of stories to tell, its beaten walls stood as a testament to its passing in time. It knew tales of troubled times; tales of wars won and those in defeat; tales of laughter and mirth; tales of sorrow and loss; tales to warm the heart or to dampen the spirits. To hear one of these stories, one would have to listen carefully though. One was not just to listen to the words of the stories, but one had to stop, feel its emotions, absorb its feelings and finally take heed. The tower seemed to have realised this. Yet even the wise old tower could not stop what was to come, because no one bothered to listen to its humble words. Yet daily the tower whispered the story of the world through the eyes of the young.

I gazed at the setting sun; my eyes lingered over the empty shadows it cast at the abandoned schoolyard. I smiled at my own sense of melodrama, yet I felt that my sense of worry was not without reason. The crowd of boys stood to my side each with a sense of hunger for some non-understandable reason. Their hunger craved for something dangerous, something ludicrous and ridiculous, the hunger to fight! My three new friends stood to my side offering re-assuring smiles, and caused me to think back to hours before, during my first day at their school... .

He had a charismatic, yet mischievous grin that said it all, he was important, a ‘somebody’. A person worth the reverence he received. The boys in the school corridors ahead, seemed to part before him; with each falling into a state of awe and respect. He walked with slight haste in his steps. He was broad shouldered, taller than the average person and his muscles seemed to ripple through his shirt. His hair fell in shaggy locks just resting upon his shoulders. A light scar ran down the side of his light brown skin, giving him an overpowering yet kind face. Behind him strode two boys of the same age, one a brute of a child already as tall as a man and built like Godzilla himself! The latter though was quite the opposite; he was a small timid looking boy who fumbled in his steps, yet he still seemed to command a lot of respect.
Their part took them through the corridors, through a small tunnel and into the daylight on the school playground.
Children and young teens littered the playground. Some played sports, while others were content with lazing around relaxing amongst friends. The sounds of the boys’ voices drifted through the play ground with the ever so light music played by some, mingling together to form a scene of everyday life. Yet today was not a usual day. The three boys gazed intently into the playground, searching for someone, when the small boy spoke up, “Abe. You think it’s true?” The scarred boy smirked and said, “I hope it is, we really could use someone like him today. Imagine that, he dropped two guys without even raising his hands, I wonder how he did it?! Judging from the look of those two he must know how to really kick ass! Whad’ya thinks Joe?” The brute just harrumphed in response. “Yeah, I suppose you’re right, but let’s just hope that the story is right. For our sakes, right Ikez?” responded Abe. Ikez, the small boy, smiled and said, “You saw those two guys yourself Abe, even if those lytis stories ain’t completely true, we still know the new ou’ can speech!” This was about the time when Abe saw the crowd gathered around a boy; a boy that he did not know and had not seen before. He knew from just the first glance that his search was over, even from the distance Abe could see the humility that played around the boy, as he graciously greeted and thereafter politely avoided the boys that converged upon him. Abe strode forward to greet him; a path was immediately forged as boys scampered out of his way.

The first sign of change which I realised, was that suddenly the boys around me slowly began falling silent. Unconcerned I tried to slowly creep my way out of this crowd. That was when I noticed the three boys who strode proudly towards me; a path seemed to magically appear before them. All that I could think was, “hmm, impressive, wish I could do that right about now!” I turned around with the intent of avoiding the whole confrontation with another set of scary kids; my first encounter had been horrifying enough! I mean I had warned them that if they touched my lunch I’d have to get violent . . . and I hate violence! Yet as if to spite me again! Fate let my situation deteriorate, as any hope of escape was ruined when the boy at the front of the group called out, “Hey, new guy! We need to talk.” With a sigh I spun around on my heels to face him, expecting him to have come for revenge for the two boys I decimated earlier. Gosh, was I in for a surprise.

“So you see, all we want is just for you to come along with us, it’ll be a chance for you to adjust and learn our styles this side,” Abe addressed me as an equal, it was . . . different. “You sure I won’t need’ta fight?” I questioned again. Ikez spoke up, “Trust me, boet, this thing today is just like a friendly thingy, like a friendly soccer game, you think I’d be going otherwise? I ain’t a fighter, you can see that! Isn’t Joe?” Joe replied with a simple, “Aha.” Yet I could not shake the thought of how often football games turned deadly. Abe smiled that dangerous smile and said to me, “You see, it’s all good- don’t worry my man, we got your back.” I trusted him, it wasn’t the first time I trusted someone like him though. These people with power seemed to always weave a wonderful spell over me, one that I could never outgrow no matter how hard I tried. “By the way, good job with those guys earlier, they were from the ‘West side Ravagers’ new to the school, and they’ve been terrorising the kids from the moment they arrived,” said Abe. I smiled at his compliment, my pride swelled, I fell for his words. I was way too easy. I loved being praised even though it was for something I hated; this is my weakness I believe.

And that is how we arrived here. This abandoned school, for a talk between the gangs, well according to Abe and the others it wasn’t gangs but rather the people of the different locations. I failed to see the difference, yet I still stayed, the need for their acceptance was too much for me to handle. I admit I was shaking in my shoes. I felt a tug at my hand, and there stood Ikez, “Here they come,” he said pointing to the school bell tower. They came towards us; their group was large, much larger than ours! I heard the roar of an engine and from behind them came two four-wheeler motorbikes, their riders cackling and whooping loudly. I felt Ikez’s grip tighten ever so slightly, and he whispered, “If things get out of control, do whatever you can to help us.” The desperation in his eyes revealed to me his hidden fears, and in that moment I knew I could trust him.
They approached us menacingly; I shivered as I saw the same hunger in their eyes as I saw in some of the boys around me, the hunger for a fight. I’d been in so many fights, that I could notice this hunger almost instantly in any person! Abe lifted his hand and we all began to walk forward to meet them. I heard voices drifting to across to us over the hum of the four wheeler engines, and I realised that these ‘Ravagers’ were singing! I could clearly make out their words as we were all silent.
“We’re the ravagers,
We’re from the west
And we’re the best.
We come with the vengeance of an avenger,
We’ll put you under a test,
Cause us ai’nt like the rest.
We’re the ravagers . . . but today we’re the Revengers”

I wanted to laugh at their crudely, ill formed song, but I guess when they wrote it they weren’t thinking about language rules, but rather striking fear! The song fulfilled that purpose beautifully because I was definitely scared! Then Abe began, “Do not be scared my friends, we come here today not to fight, but rather to make peace, to bridge the gap between us, just as I have bridged the gap with our new friend.” My heart was thrilled by this; it seemed that everyone in that moment acknowledged me as their friend. The boys around each murmured their approval, and our steps forward were courageous ones. Our two groups stopped metres before each other, emotions flew across yet no-one said a thing. Even though I wasn’t really involved I still felt my pulse quicken, the exhilaration and suspense alone was pure ecstasy! We’d be fine, I thought, no doubt about it.

The tower looked down at the two masses approaching each other, its head hung in shame, it could not prevent them from this no matter how hard it tried. It could not do it, the tower knew what was about to come and as if to signal its sorrow The Tower let its bell swing. . . Gong Gong Gong! The madness erupted below.

I don’t know how it happened, but it just did. The peaceful talk we were having broke as Ravagers accused us of attacking them recently; the Ravagers yelled that we had even attacked them earlier that day. My heart sank as I realised that this argument was my fault! Soon their yelling became uncontrolled and they broke into a stampede. A stampede of angry boys headed straight for us! The hunger in their eyes knew that it would soon be satisfied!

I knew that I was wrong to fight. I knew that this went against my principles, but I would not, nay could not, stand there and just watch as my new friends fought tooth and nail to help one another. I saw Ikez cowering at the back and fought my way towards him. I saw the pale boy running towards him menacingly, and in that moment I knew I had to stop him....
Abe watched as the boys approached and when they met him, he made sure they wished they hadn’t, one after another he dropped them to the ground and moved onto the next fighter. He was like a fighting machine! Suddenly, a horrifying shriek pierced the air. Silence fell over the bewildered crowd as the dust settled. Abe could not believe his eyes.

I stood with my eyes wide gaping at the hole in my chest. The bloodied knife blade now lay at my feet. My friend’s would-be assailants pale face and glazed eyes still clear in my mind. I dropped to my knees and watched distraughtly as my own crimson blood flowed from my chest, ruining my white shirt... my eyes fluttered closed....
The tower whispered ever so softly, “Let not our sick actions ruin men to come.”

ToLy :smt003
Note to Reader: I am South African. much of the dialogue contains South African slang sorry about that.
Lytis: younger children
ou's: friends or other guys.
speech: to fight
boet: Brother or friend
"You know you're in love when you can't go to sleep, because reality is finally better than your dreams." Dr Seuss




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Dude!
Love the story, hmmmmmm AFBS
Ill say no more.
BoZiiiiiii! :wink:
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Hehe. Thats my style. I need to grow out of it though. Its hard thinking like that!
"You know you're in love when you can't go to sleep, because reality is finally better than your dreams." Dr Seuss




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This was really great. No doubts there. Now, I could do some nitpicking, but I'm really not in the mood for that. But what I do suggest, is to calm down on those exclamation marks; they reallly started to stand out and were a bit annoying at times. Also, whenever someone new speaks, put it on a new line. Just so it's not a jumble of speech in which you're not sure who is saying what.

Other than those, I really, really liked this. It flowed pretty well and the imagery was wonderful. Do keep writing, boet (loved the slang). ;)

Your's truly,
|Life|
Call me crazy; I prefer 'enjoys life while one can'.
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The pen's mightier than the sword - especially when it's wielded by a flipmothering dragon.
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Hey
Thanks life, had you not pointed out the exclamation marks to me i would never have realised. I hope to repost the story with your suggestions.
Thanks for the positive feed-back gret encouragement to keep writing. lol was surprised you enjoyed the odd bit of slang their boet. lol
ToLyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
"You know you're in love when you can't go to sleep, because reality is finally better than your dreams." Dr Seuss




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Hey there Toly!

Well, this was a great beginning. I love the descriptions and details of the tower. Beautiful.

Your dialogue tagging is an issue. Here's a great thread I suggest you read: topic44898.html
It shows you how dialogue should be written with the proper punctuation.

If your whole paragraph is detail and dialogue, you will lose your reader. It should be:

"How are you, Toly?" Tanya asked.
"I'm great, thanks for asking," Toly answered with a smile.

Much clearer now, isn't it?

As for the rest of it, I was quite confused. Your mc, boy or girl? And I was under the impression that your MC (main character) was inside the school, watching the trio, but he was outside escaping the playground. What happened? It was a flashback?

You see, the funny thing with flashbacks is that we don't know your characters enough to care what's happening in their present, let alone their past. You need to give us a little more before throwing us back that way. Maybe this would be better as a prologue?

I was thoroughly confused, also. The MC gives the impression the trio is bad, but what has he done to get their attention? What deed as he done? Why was he running? These are also the kind of details you need to give us.

Here's another good thread for you: topic33840.html

I thought this was interesting, and I was awed by your description at the beginning. I would love to know more, see more, than what you are showing us because although I understand your mc is stabbed, I'm not sure how that happened.

Believe me, you do not want your reader to be confused.

Let me know if you need any more help!

Tanya :D




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Hey!!!:)
Thanks Tanya those links are helping me quite a bit, I was busy reading through them now hehe. The thing is this was originally done as a competition entry, so I kinda had a word limit. So I tried to keep it as concise as possible, yet still getting my story across. I'm currently rewriting it, never know might just change it into a small novel, giving me much more length to explain the story fully.
My friends and teachers often say that the best part of my writing are my descriptions, with a lot of AFBS, but I don't keep my story flowing.
You've given me quite a bit to think bout, will let you know the moment I repost this!
ToLy
"You know you're in love when you can't go to sleep, because reality is finally better than your dreams." Dr Seuss




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The sun sat drooping slightly over the arid landscape. The earth was hard and sparsely vegetated; the imprint of hundreds of running feet from over the years was prominent. The abandoned school bell tower hung in the backdrop, like a guardian angel, over this ground. The tower seemed to be a wise old owl, with hundreds of stories to tell, its beaten walls stood as a testament to its passing in time. It knew tales of troubled times; tales of wars won and those in defeat; tales of laughter and mirth; tales of sorrow and loss; tales to warm the heart or to dampen the spirits. To hear one of these stories, one would have to listen carefully though. One was not just to listen to the words of the stories, but one had to stop, feel its emotions, absorb its feelings and finally take heed. The tower seemed to have realised this. Yet even the wise old tower could not stop what was to come, because no one bothered to listen to its humble words. Yet daily the tower whispered the story of the world through the eyes of the young.

I gazed at the setting sun; my eyes lingered over the empty shadows it cast at the abandoned schoolyard. I smiled at my own sense of melodrama, yet I felt that my sense of worry was not without reason. The crowd of boys stood to my side each with a sense of hunger for some non-understandable reason. Their hunger craved for something dangerous, something ludicrous and ridiculous, the hunger to fight! My three new friends stood to my side offering re-assuring smiles, and caused me to think back to hours before, during my first day at their school... .

He had a charismatic, yet mischievous grin that said it all, he was important, a ‘somebody’. A person worth the reverence he received. The boys in the school corridors ahead, seemed to part before him; with each falling into a state of awe and respect. He walked with slight haste in his steps. He was broad shouldered, taller than the average person and his muscles seemed to ripple through his shirt. His hair fell in shaggy locks just resting upon his shoulders. A light scar ran down the side of his light brown skin, giving him an overpowering yet kind face. Behind him strode two boys of the same age, one a brute of a child already as tall as a man and built like Godzilla himself! The latter though was quite the opposite; he was a small timid looking boy who fumbled in his steps, yet he still seemed to command a lot of respect.

Their part took them through the corridors, through a small tunnel and into the daylight on the school playground.

Children and young teens littered the playground. Some played sports, while others were content with lazing around relaxing amongst friends. The sounds of the boys’ voices drifted through the play ground with the ever so light music played by some, mingling together to form a scene of everyday life. Yet today was not a usual day. The three boys gazed intently into the playground, searching for someone, when the small boy spoke up, “Abe. You think it’s true?” The scarred boy smirked and said, “I hope it is, we really could use someone like him today. Imagine that, he dropped two guys without even raising his hands, I wonder how he did it?! Judging from the look of those two he must know how to really kick ass! Whad’ya thinks Joe?” The brute just harrumphed in response. “Yeah, I suppose you’re right, but let’s just hope that the story is right. For our sakes, right Ikez?” responded Abe. Ikez, the small boy, smiled and said, “You saw those two guys yourself Abe, even if those lytis stories ain’t completely true, we still know the new ou’ can speech!” This was about the time when Abe saw the crowd gathered around a boy; a boy that he did not know and had not seen before. He knew from just the first glance that his search was over, even from the distance Abe could see the humility that played around the boy, as he graciously greeted and thereafter politely avoided the boys that converged upon him. Abe strode forward to greet him; a path was immediately forged as boys scampered out of his way.

The first sign of change which I realised, was that suddenly the boys around me slowly began falling silent. Unconcerned I tried to slowly creep my way out of this crowd. That was when I noticed the three boys who strode proudly towards me; a path seemed to magically appear before them. All that I could think was, “hmm, impressive, wish I could do that right about now!” I turned around with the intent of avoiding the whole confrontation with another set of scary kids; my first encounter had been horrifying enough! I mean I had warned them that if they touched my lunch I’d have to get violent . . . and I hate violence! Yet as if to spite me again! Fate let my situation deteriorate, as any hope of escape was ruined when the boy at the front of the group called out, “Hey, new guy! We need to talk.” With a sigh I spun around on my heels to face him, expecting him to have come for revenge for the two boys I decimated earlier. Gosh, was I in for a surprise.

“So you see, all we want is just for you to come along with us, it’ll be a chance for you to adjust and learn our styles this side,” Abe addressed me as an equal, it was . . . different. “You sure I won’t need’ta fight?” I questioned again. Ikez spoke up, “Trust me, boet, this thing today is just like a friendly thingy, like a friendly soccer game, you think I’d be going otherwise? I ain’t a fighter, you can see that! Isn’t Joe?” Joe replied with a simple, “Aha.” Yet I could not shake the thought of how often football games turned deadly. Abe smiled that dangerous smile and said to me, “You see, it’s all good- don’t worry my man, we got your back.” I trusted him, it wasn’t the first time I trusted someone like him though. These people with power seemed to always weave a wonderful spell over me, one that I could never outgrow no matter how hard I tried. “By the way, good job with those guys earlier, they were from the ‘West side Ravagers’ new to the school, and they’ve been terrorising the kids from the moment they arrived,” said Abe. I smiled at his compliment, my pride swelled, I fell for his words. I was way too easy. I loved being praised even though it was for something I hated; this is my weakness I believe.

And that is how we arrived here. This abandoned school, for a talk between the gangs, well according to Abe and the others it wasn’t gangs but rather the people of the different locations. I failed to see the difference, yet I still stayed, the need for their acceptance was too much for me to handle. I admit I was shaking in my shoes. I felt a tug at my hand, and there stood Ikez, “Here they come,” he said pointing to the school bell tower. They came towards us; their group was large, much larger than ours! I heard the roar of an engine and from behind them came two four-wheeler motorbikes, their riders cackling and whooping loudly. I felt Ikez’s grip tighten ever so slightly, and he whispered, “If things get out of control, do whatever you can to help us.” The desperation in his eyes revealed to me his hidden fears, and in that moment I knew I could trust him.

They approached us menacingly; I shivered as I saw the same hunger in their eyes as I saw in some of the boys around me, the hunger for a fight. I’d been in so many fights, that I could notice this hunger almost instantly in any person! Abe lifted his hand and we all began to walk forward to meet them. I heard voices drifting to across to us over the hum of the four wheeler engines, and I realised that these ‘Ravagers’ were singing! I could clearly make out their words as we were all silent.

“We’re the ravagers,

We’re from the west

And we’re the best.

We come with the vengeance of an avenger,

We’ll put you under a test,

Cause us ai’nt like the rest.

We’re the ravagers . . . but today we’re the Revengers”

I wanted to laugh at their crudely, ill formed song, but I guess when they wrote it they weren’t thinking about language rules, but rather striking fear! The song fulfilled that purpose beautifully because I was definitely scared! Then Abe began, “Do not be scared my friends, we come here today not to fight, but rather to make peace, to bridge the gap between us, just as I have bridged the gap with our new friend.” My heart was thrilled by this; it seemed that everyone in that moment acknowledged me as their friend. The boys around each murmured their approval, and our steps forward were courageous ones. Our two groups stopped metres before each other, emotions flew across yet no-one said a thing. Even though I wasn’t really involved I still felt my pulse quicken, the exhilaration and suspense alone was pure ecstasy! We’d be fine, I thought, no doubt about it.

The tower looked down at the two masses approaching each other, its head hung in shame, it could not prevent them from this no matter how hard it tried. It could not do it, the tower knew what was about to come and as if to signal its sorrow The Tower let its bell swing. . . Gong Gong Gong! The madness erupted below.

I don’t know how it happened, but it just did. The peaceful talk we were having broke as Ravagers accused us of attacking them recently; the Ravagers yelled that we had even attacked them earlier that day. My heart sank as I realised that this argument was my fault! Soon their yelling became uncontrolled and they broke into a stampede. A stampede of angry boys headed straight for us! The hunger in their eyes knew that it would soon be satisfied!

I knew that I was wrong to fight. I knew that this went against my principles, but I would not, nay could not, stand there and just watch as my new friends fought tooth and nail to help one another. I saw Ikez cowering at the back and fought my way towards him. I saw the pale boy running towards him menacingly, and in that moment I knew I had to stop him....

Abe watched as the boys approached and when they met him, he made sure they wished they hadn’t, one after another he dropped them to the ground and moved onto the next fighter. He was like a fighting machine! Suddenly, a horrifying shriek pierced the air. Silence fell over the bewildered crowd as the dust settled. Abe could not believe his eyes.

I stood with my eyes wide gaping at the hole in my chest. The bloodied knife blade now lay at my feet. My friend’s would-be assailants pale face and glazed eyes still clear in my mind. I dropped to my knees and watched distraughtly as my own crimson blood flowed from my chest, ruining my white shirt... my eyes fluttered closed....

The tower whispered ever so softly, “Let not our sick actions ruin men to come.”


Very cool. It was awesome! Amazing! I loved it. It's hard to put words, and thoughts like this down, as perfect as this. And the south american slang, that made it even better! It made it great! it's an all out A++!!!




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Hey
Thanks for the review, great encouragement! Oh and by the way, its South African.lol
Need to really steal myself some time to work properly on this one...
Slowly getting there thought with everyones advice and help.
Toly
"You know you're in love when you can't go to sleep, because reality is finally better than your dreams." Dr Seuss



Irrigation of the land with seawater desalinated by fusion power is ancient. It's called 'rain'.
— Michael McClary