I've Got the Coffee Blues

About the whole two middle stanzas rhymning... well, I thought it would be interesting structure. I'm starting to second guess that thought process. Well, rip apart please and by rip apart I mean completely obliterate ;D.

Ode to My Coffee Cup

I’m thinking it be better if,
The coffee was a little stronger,
Or the sun a little warmer.
The screen a little dimmer.
I’m typing, typing, typing,
But the words all come out wrong.

Damn that stupid coffee cup;
It’s his fault I can’t write.
It sits and cools and does everything wrong.
But no, not me. I fight.
Damn those scratched up glasses;
It’s their fault I cannot see,
How to make this poem,
Even somewhat part of me.

Music wouldn’t help me.
No, distractions are an out.
Even if I had a clue,
What the hell I’m writing ‘bout.
The thesaurus is my enemy.
Its words don’t seem to fit.
Simplicity is all I got,
While I drink, and think, and sit.

I’m sure it can’t be my fault.
Why shouldn’t my words suffice?
A writer thinks and knows and tries real hard,
Whilst I… well I just suck.
Give and take is all I’ve got,
And the coffee’s just not enough.

hi... I really like your poem..!! its very nice indeed..!!! fun reading!!!

Hi, Dream!

I think you should make the whole poem rhyme Not that I don't like your current structure, I just think it would be a nice touch. Rhymes fit this kind of light-hearted poems like gloves, so it could be worth it to give it a try, since you obviously are comfortable with writing rhyming poetry.

Some nitpicks:

- I think it should be "more dim" instead of "dimmer"? Not sure about that, though.
- You should be consistent about what you refer to the coffee cup as. Sometimes you have "it", sometimes "him"... so make up your mind!
- The "distractions are an out" bit was a bit odd. I mean, I understand what you mean, but I don't think "an out" is the best way to put it...

All in all, I think you could work a little on the general flow of the poem. At the moment some parts sound more or less awkward, though there's not really a lot you have to do in order to make it better. Just take your time with every line or couplet and work on them until they sound effortless! You're almost there, anyway -- some minor editing is all it needs!


Demeter
x

Hey there! My name is Hope and I'll be giving you a review today. First off, I love the theme and the message of this. Being a avid coffee drinker, I can defiantly relate to what you were saying. There's a couple of things I wanted to bring up though. First, I think you should make the whole thing rhyme or take out the part that rhymes. Having both in there is a little confusing. Plus it would make it lighter and more fun . Also, maybe you can try working on the poem's flow. Sometimes it was difficult to read and I kept getting tounge-tied. The best way to improve on that is to read your piece out loud and find natural pauses where you stop.
Other than that this piece was great! Awesome job.
-Hope

Hello, Dreamwalker! I enjoyed reading your poem. It was an easy read, and pleasant too.

I've had a look at what other users said, in order not to repeat myself.

I'd like to say that I do not agree with Demeter, the adejective "dim" has only one syllable, thus you were right when you wrote "dimmer". "More dim" is not correct.

As for "You should be consistent about what you refer to the coffee cup as. Sometimes you have "it", sometimes "him"... so make up your mind!", I don't agree on this matter either. You referred to the coffee as "it", and "him" is related to the one who gave you the blues, it's perfectly clear in the poem, so no need to worry about it.

But I have to second this: "distractions are out" really sounds confusing to me as well. You should change that part.

And I guess that's all. I've told you already that I like your poem.

Hi there. Lavvi in to review.

Ha, this was funny. It reminds me of a lot of people I know. I don't drink coffee, but the poem was hilariously melodramatic and exaggerated. Actually, when reading this, I felt like I was overwhelmed with the scent of water-down coffee. But, yeah, that might just the imagination running wild

Is it "more dim" or "dimmer"? It seems a lot of people are having trouble figuring out what it is. So I Googled it. Writerwithacause is correct. It's "dimmer". Just to clear things up for you

Lavvi

Hi!
I really enjoyed this poem - a lot!
You did an amazing job, the rhyme sceme, the length, everything was brilliant.
I am a huge coffee girl myself and I was glad that you were able to do such a great job with it.
You are very creative, and I hope to see more work like this from you soon!
Thank you for posting it.