When I Should Be Paying Attention

10 posts
Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 1596
Reviews 16
When the teacher is blathering
on and on about something
of which I don't have the remotest idea
I pick up my pencil and start scribbling.

A girl with four eyes here,
a bouquet of flowers there,
some squares within circles within triangles
and a dog in a tux there.

Meaningless doodling through the whole class
and while the teacher explains weight and mass,
I'm enveloped in my own little world
of princes and ribbons and kittens and grass.

The teacher's describing a cell's nucleus (or is he?)
I can't tell 'cause I'm just too busy
with loops and curls and doodles and lines
if i pay attention, I'm bound to get dizzy.

I know i should be paying attention
when the teacher talks about policies of the nation,
but the last thing I can do is concentrate
when i can draw an alien invasion.

So i just relax my mind
Thinking "I'll *yawn* catch up next time."
take a pen put it down on paper
and let my imagination go wild.

I don't care if the teacher's explaining energy and Joule
my blue gel pen just becomes my tool
and the margins of my textbook become my canvas
there isn't a single boundary or limit or rule.
You say you like it, but do you like it enough to 'like' it?




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1747
Reviews 135
Okay it's me again:) I'm the one that wrote on the welcome mat.

I really liked the poem and I can completely relate to it. I write poetry but I'm not an expert reviewer on it so I'll just tell you some of the things I know.

Poetry is a form of art so no one can tell you exactly how to write it. But when I was looking at the flow of your piece I noticed some things. I'll point them out but you can decide whether or not you want your form of art to stay the way it is or not.

The first stanza is really attention grabbing and explains what the rest of the poem is about, but it doesn't really flow with the rest of the poem. Your style seemed to be rhyming at different lines but the first part didn't rhyme at all.
When the teacher is blathering
on and on about something
of which I don't have the remotest idea
I pick up my pencil and start scribbling.


As compared to this stanza,
Meaningless doodling through the whole class
and while the teacher explains weight and mass,
I'm enveloped in my own little world
of princes and ribbons and kittens and grass.


The rest of the poem seems to go on and off with the rhyming scheme. Sometimes you rhyme BABA, sometimes you rhyme AABA, and sometimes you rhyme AABB. I hope that makes sense.

The only poems I ever seem to find on here anymore are ones for emotional difficulties and romance. Thanks for giving me something new to read. I enjoyed it:)
Let's eat mom.
Let's eat, mom.
Good grammar saves lives :D




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1130
Reviews 152
hey and welcome!!! If I decide to ignore the rhyme troubles...I guess its a really good poem..Something that everyone can simply relate to... Your poem is about something everyone does in school... So I'll say you've done a very good job:)
Harshita...
The answers lie within.. You only need to look.. :)




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 67823
Reviews 254
Hello there. I'm here for the review. I liked this piece a lot. Because i do the same thing while in class. XD
It was fun to read throughout. It has a flow but it tends to go off at some places and its the same thing with rhyming to but those things can be compensated by some good writing. There are nitpicks which i hope will help you in future.

When the teacher is blathering
on and on about something
of which I don't have the remotest idea
I pick up my pencil and start scribbling. Why does not this stanza have any rhyming? All the others have some rhyming in it that it why it is a bit odd.

A girl with four eyes here,
a bouquet of flowers there,
some squares within circles within triangles Thats complex. XD
and a dog in a tux there. Excess use of there. Try using something different.

Meaningless doodling through the whole class throughout the class. This should sound better.
and while the teacher explains weight and mass,
I'm enveloped in my own little world
of princes and ribbons and kittens and grass. of princes, ribbons, kittens and grass.

The teacher's describing a cell's nucleus (or is he?) Why have you kept "or is he?" in brackets?
I can't tell 'cause I'm just too busy
with loops and curls and doodles and lines
if I pay attention, I'm bound to get dizzy.

I know I should be paying attention
when the teacher talks about policies of the nation,
but the last thing I can do is concentrate
when I can draw an alien invasion. when I'm drawing an alien invasion.

So I just relax my mind
Thinking "I'll *yawn* catch up next time." This was funny.
take a pen put it down on paper
and let my imagination go wild. imagination run wild

I don't care if the teacher's explaining energy and Joule
my blue gel pen just becomes my tool Leave out just.
and the margins of my textbook become my canvas and margins of my textbook becomes my canvas.
there isn't a single boundary or limit or rule. there aren't any boundaries or limits or rules.



Keep writing and keep posting. (:
Are you living for the things you are praying for?




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1141
Reviews 12
Seeing as everything I found out of place has been pointed out I'll skip right to the good stuff. I really enjoyed your poem. I definitely can relate, I can hardly find blank paper to do an assignment anymore because I've doodled on most of it. XD

I know i should be paying attention
when the teacher talks about policies of the nation,
but the last thing I can do is concentrate
when i can draw an alien invasion.


I think that is my favorite part! Alien invasions are always fun to draw!

Great job overall, keep writing!

-Liz
Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia. ~E.L. Doctorow




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1931
Reviews 72
Liked. I liked it, regardless if I can relate. I didn't see anything really wrong.

I can't relate because...because...well, I'm a nerd. If I was in science class I'd be either talking to someone about the class, or listening intently. And, history? I could really care less. Nothing interesting has happened really in the past I don't know about at this point. :D

That second last stanza, though, that could take some serious reworking. It broke the flow.

Now you cannot say that I didn't make a critique! ;)
--Happy Writing! And loving YWS, and hating me!
--Skis

PS: That "*yawn*" part didn't totally sit with me, either.
By nature, all language is flawed.

"Peace cannot be kept by force, it can only be achieved by understanding," - Albert Einstein




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 18916
Reviews 530
Hi there Priya. Lavvi in to review.

I think many of us can relate to this! I do it often :P Now on to the poem.

When the teacher is blathering
on and on about something
of which I don't have the remotest idea
I pick up my pencil and start scribbling.


I found that this stanza, the opening one, was a little lacking in rhythm. Especially the first two lines, they just don't seem to "click" as well as some others would. Do you see what I mean? It's also the same problem with the last two lines of the quoted stanza. It might just be a simple idea of rearranging some things around.

I know I should be paying attention
when the teacher talks about policies of the nation,
but the last thing I can do is concentrate
when I can draw an alien invasion.


This was by far my favourite part of the poem. It's kind of cute, the alien invasion and all. I can just imagine a lined piece of paper being filled up with all these imaginative doodles :)

Yours,
Lavvi
this tender selfmetamorpoiesisi have returned with the swell

What is to give light must endure burning. – Viktor Frankl




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1124
Reviews 16
I've got no comment towards this poem, but I must say its the best one I've read so far.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1040
Reviews 7
Oh my god. When I read The Deranged Bibliophile I thought, "nah, it can't get any better that this" I stand corrected.
It took me a couple of seconds to just take in what an masterpiece of rhymes and phrases this is. The line "The teacher's describing a cell's nucleus (or is he?)" is so cool, and "So i just relax my mind
Thinking "I'll *yawn* catch up next time." is just priceless.
I could relate to the poem as tough it was written about me, my notebooks are like sketchbooks with just a few words here and there, and don't even get me stated on the books ;)

This is, again, one of the best poems I have read in my life, so far.

Keep up the good work.




Random avatar
Gender None specified
Points 890
Reviews 3
you probably couldn't give a toss, but I reckon you should make it a comedy poem because with this poem you could. But i still love it and can totally relate.



Love is so short, forgetting is so long.
— Pablo Neruda