maidenhood (and a tale of two cities)

i am eerie with lights—

to raise a hand, turn away
from angels as visited boy-prophets;
swarm-patterns, cramped abortions
of paper lanterns, or the dubious
fur-trap of northern lights,
undulating like shipwrecks.
my silk across breast, belly, hips
like the tongue of a bear
for deep honey.

columns, civil and rising as horse-blood,
uncupping burning-glass. we are
terrible projections, startled out of our skin
like saplings in blossom.
printed, written upon as sinai
tablets, brought down from before
a bramble geyser, god unfurling
like steps to a temple—stricken
with heat glyphs, an exhausted
kimono tongue.

i crinkle with
monarch newness.
dryspell of skin sliding
from bone, on the streets
of southern california cities, we claw
through silk like flashfloods
through the pink sandstone
of old-ocean canyon.

the lights return,
it is always the women,
twenty-five in all.
our bones rattle
like alms.

Kylan wrote:i am eerie with lights—

to raise a hand, turn away
from angels as visited boy-prophets;
swarm-patterns, cramped abortions
of paper lanterns, or the dubious
fur-trap of northern lights,
undulating like shipwrecks.
my silk across breast, belly, hips
like the tongue of a bear
for deep honey.

columns, civil and rising as horse-blood,
uncupping burning-glass. we are
terrible projections, startled out of our skin
like saplings in blossom.
printed, written upon as sinai
tablets, brought down from before
a bramble geyser, god unfurling
like steps to a temple—stricken
with heat glyphs, an exhausted
kimono tongue.

i crinkle with
monarch newness.
dryspell of skin sliding
from bone, on the streets
of southern california cities, we claw
through silk like flashfloods
through the pink sandstone
of old-ocean canyon.

the lights return,
it is always the women,
twenty-five in all.
our bones rattle
like alms.

Expect a review shortly.

Kylan good sir, I present review version 2.0

we've already discussed this but I have to keep up the pretense I'm a hurtling mass of never ending criticism and nitpicks. Otherwise people might think I'm actually a softie and we can't have that.

I warn you, I'm partially sedated prior to my tooth extraction, so take this with a grain of salt.
I think I'm going to approach this a little differently then I typically do. Hopefully it will be helpful.

I'm glad you changed the title actually. It changes the way a reader would look at the poem from the beginning, while hinting at the topic you kept concealed and for me to unravel (course I had your help) but it nudges the reader in the right direction which seems to slightly, can I say, enhance (?) the poem. But, I think this attempt is lost in the winds somewhere. Yes, this is a strong piece, and there is without a doubt in my mind you can get any piece of information to work for you and work together harmoniously. Upon closer reading, I think maybe you got too caught up in the "maidenhood" aspect of your poem. All the imagery remains explicit, to say it lightly. The sexuality of the piece consumes the remanments of the actual purpose you brought to my attention, leaving me with a hint of a story, but otherwise it becomes overbeared by your accompanying theme. Not completely of course, because when I first read it I had my doubts to what it was about, religious contexts, Japan, violence and injury. Hiroshima encompassed all those things, but perhaps you threaded it along a little differently. It works, it contains a violence and tone that matches it well. And some lines are downright marvelous when you re-read it.

i am eerie with lights—

this is a lovely line, and it accompanies others that hint your story, but it's not enough. I like the idea of having to research, think about what a poem is saying. I love it actually, because it allows me to appreciate the poem all the more. But I think, upon rereading, your reader needs a tip, something to point them in the right direction after spinning them in circles in a dark room. I think the fact you're capable of stretching yourself far and bring a whole bunch of images together probably has to do with it, yea you can do it, but you lose the precise focus you have when you're talking about one thing in particular. This encompasses too much for your style to handle. You write microscopically, I like to think, laser pointer accuracy on the end point you want to reach, there's rarely strands left loose and rarely do I end up not understanding what you want across, even if mildly. There's always something there that strings the reader along and gets them from point A to point B without noticing they'd only travelled a tiny distance, because along the way you've pointed out tiny details, whether it be through imagery or through some sort of emotional connection, we'd otherwise miss. And it works for you, you do it so well. But I think we've lost that a bit here amist all the images and themes and possible interpretations, vagueness is not your forte Kylan. You know exactly what you're talking about at all times, and I think you've lost that a bit here because you're not sure which side of the story you want to tell, the poetic imagery side, or the actual motivation for the piece. It's different from what you typically do and I think you may have been slightly lost approaching this. You're without a doubt talented at writing poetry, and I'm sure if you gave this enough time you'd have it mastered some enough. But your precise punches were lost in the sheets that are this poem. And I think that's probably what I've been trying to get through in my rambling.

There is a part to this that is effective, this mad scramble for comphrension. It creates an atmosphere, a kind of sensation for a better comprehension of the actual event. Though I'm not sure it's intentional. Perhaps that's something to play with.

Of course, these are ramblings. Take of it what you will. I'm incapable of being long winded as you can see.
Despite it, it remains a strong piece just lacking the pinpoint I think you wanted.
Unless I misinterpreted.

Nonetheless, best of luck!

Kamas

I would just like to say, I am completely in love with the line "I crinkle with monarch newness."

That is all.

~Blue

i am eerie with lights—

Seems to be everyones favorite line. And, not surprisingly, it has stuck with me ever since you first repeated it to me on our way to class the day after you wrote it. I just wanted you knowing, THAT'S how amazing you are, that I can never forget that one line.

~M