Blackened Runes - Chapter Two

Removed.

It's me again, Tail. Here goes.

feeling strangely familiar

Do you mean that her surroundings are strangely familiar?

She was in the maid uniform

What does it look like? This could add to the setting. Also, it may be just be me, but I'm not sure Isaac would call his father "dad." It seems out of place in the rest of his speech.

"You can do it too.

What's he talking about- watering the plants?

Things aren't here aren't what they seem, Miss Lawrence."

Get rid of one "aren't".

I was waiting for this! ^_^

I definitely enjoy this novel, so far. I can't say anything for what I haven't read yet ;P Still waiting for why it's under the fantasy genre, though these runes everywhere are giving a good impression.

I like the "young master." It may be that I just like that sort of character but he leaves a good impression. "Miss Lawrence" certainly seems to hate him though. Poor girl, missing out on the fun ^_^

Speaking of all this fantasy stuff...Ariana isn't acting exceptionally surprised, what with all of these strange symbols and things everywhere. She kind of leaves the impression "I deal with weird people all the time, this is just a little bit more odd than most." I'll read along for a bit more before I can decide whether that should to be fixed or if it's just her character.

One question. Why was Ariana saying those weird alien words?

"Leida - Tehruz - Karak?" Ariana stuttered out.

It almost comes out of no where. Is she reading them off the symbol on the ceiling? o_O

Anyway, waiting for the next chapter!

~Blood

Heyyy. So I liked this too.

Yep, now the 'young master' does seem a lot like Artemis - a shyer, older Arty, but Arty all the same.

This household deals with runes, I must think, or the young master does. In any case, he makes for a nice, convincing character. :thumbsup:

I see where you've sewn the story into the fantastic - this is magical realism! Something unique. I would definitely like to see more. i'm glossing over small errors, what I'm concentrating on is the storyline.

- Alyx

Dreamy here. And by here I mean half asleep, wondering why I'm bothering.... Just kidding! Even if I was asleep, I would still review this work joyfully ;D.

Now, I don't think I need to re-explain my structure... so on with the show!

Grammar and Punctuation:

She looked around at the strangely familiar and yet distant surroundings - this was so much like the home she herself had grown up in.

The dash should be a semicolon!

As she stepped into the living room, however, she was startled by the sound of something - and looked upwards.

The dash here is completely not necessary xD. You have quite a lot of these throughout the piece.

"..."

Though funny when talking online, this is not necessarily proper grammar. You should instead write 'there was an awkward pause' or something of that general sort.

She could feel that aura about him - had been feeling it for a while - the aura of dictatorship.

Okay, so I think now would be the best time to teach you the rules of 'dashing'.

When You have a sentence that has an inner though such as;

There wasn't much to do, that I knew of, and I couldn't really bring myself to do anything at all.

In this case it would be acceptible to trade in the commas for dashes.

There wasn't much to do - that I knew of - and I couldn't really bring myself to do anything at all.

Just like the commas, you need to have the first and the third section of the sentence as one whole, whilst the middle be an inner though from the character or the narrator. As you can see, if the middle part 'that I knew of' was taken out of the sentence, it would still be a full, complete sentence. If it is not, you can't use dashes.

"You...why do you keep doing this?"

"Doing what?"

"Follow me around, like I am some sort of - prey, perhaps?"

In this case, the 'Follow' should be 'Following'. That and when you use a word like 'perhaps', it takes the severity out of the line. I would take that word out and replace it with a 'or something'.

What I do know, however, that you're in some deep water.

'is' should be after the second comma.

As Ariana pondered over his words during the rest of the day, she began to recall something else from not very long ago.

Lines like this make the story feel rushed, as if you can't wait for the plot and you just want to do everything at once. Its a writer thing, I know, but its important that you try and calm yourself down and bunker in for the long run. Novels don't just happen in a day. So slow it down. Explain things she did. Stuff she continues to do. Make her have a conversation with the maid lady, or for her to inspect things so we can see her thought process a little better. I'm sure you'll see these things help with your characterization.

Ariana remembered what the look on her face - it was rife with sadness and...something else.

Here you have a dash where a semicolon should be, as I've stated prior for one of the other sentences. Also, you have the 'pushing the sentence towards a suggestion but not having one there in the end' sort of mentality. Change the line to something like this;

Ariana remembered the look on her face; not only sad but something... something more than that.

That way it will sound a little better to the reader and make more sense in the mind.

You. He pointed his finger at her. After all we've done for you, you throw it back in our face?

Even if this is a memory, it should still be quoted for dialogue purposes.

Plot:

Okay so the plot is moving, which is good. I like how you introduce characters and the flashback was a nice touch. Again, though, I must say you are rushing this piece wayyyy to much. Calm down on the 'this happened' 'this happened' 'that happened' 'this happened' for a few minutes and just relax. A book doesn't happen that quickly nor does a plot need to move is such a manner. A good way to keep it calm and slow will be explained in the sections below.

Other than that, nice cliff hanger and a real 'wow' sort of ending.

Setting and Description:

You need more of this. As I said before in previous chapters, you need to flesh out this story with description and setting. So far you're just telling what the character is doing, but we aren't seeing what the character is seeing or really feeling what the character is feeling. In all honesty, you're jumping from plot this to plot that that its hard to get an accurate opinion of what anything should look like or how she really feels. We just get what you give us.

So flesh this thing out. Give this story a body. A soul can't be attached to nothing, and this story has soul. Just, without a body, you don't have much here.

Character:

Your dialogue is getting better. Its not amazing, but its better.

What I liked about your characters is that we are seeing some focus on aspects you raised before. You're not being whishy washy with your characters so I'm a little excited to read more.

But, without description, your characters won't grow too much. So really think on that.

Overall:

Again, a ton of potential. The dialogue is getting better but theres an excess of dashes in here that need to be replaced. If you fine-comb through them, you'll realize that the dash in itself is not a really useful piece of punctuation. Hence why we don't see it used so much in fiction.

That and your description still needs work. Try going back and seeing what this piece could use in terms of description. If you see a section thats lacking, add some to it. Dont fear to bore your reader becuase a reader can read faster than a writer can type. If you write, space it out for long periods of time because of the fact that it will all go by much quicker when you read it.

Other than that, keep writing and I'm sure you'll get better in no time!
~The.Dreamwalker

Chapter Two - ...Comes The Flighty Wanderer

As soon as the overpowering combination of harsh soap and flowery perfume hit her nose, Ariana distinctly knew she was out of place. She looked around at the strangely familiar and yet distant surroundings - this was so much like the home she herself had grown up in. As she stepped into the living room, however, she was startled by the sound of something - and looked upwards.

"Leida - Tehruz - Karak?" Ariana stuttered out. For one moment, the combination seemed senseless - before she realized that it was a convoluted version of the word 'safe'. (??) The device the runes appeared on stopped making the grumbling, shaking sound, and Ariana edgily backed away from it - and collided into someone (??).

"Oh dear. Were you surprised by the device, Miss?"

"I..." Ariana considered the other, older woman. She had on a black dress, with a white apron over it (wearing a bright dress, a white apron draped below her chest???) - the typical maid uniform - but also had the family's crest attached to her dress. A respected servant - a housekeeper, perhaps? "I'm sorry, I - "

"Pish posh, no need to apologize. That thing up there- " The older woman frowned up at it. " - gives me the fright sometimes, and I've been seeing it for two years. Oh(!) how rude of me not to introduce myself. Eider Lynn at your service, miss. You can call me Mrs. Lynn."

"Ariana Lawrence, ma'am."

"Oh! You must be the new manager. No wonder the young master went out himself to meet you(,)" Ariana scowled, remembering the young boy(,) and how sneakily he had disappeared as soon as they entered the house. "My, look at you! You need a bath, get into new clothes. Come now, dearie."

"Erm. I was wondering if what - the young master - " Ariana practically spit the word out. " - said, was true, ma'am."

"Oh?"

"He said he was my employer."

"Well." Mrs. Lynn smiled at Ariana. "The reality of the situation is that it was his father who employed you, but..."

"But?"

"This is a bit of a sensitive issue, but his father is...not feeling quite well."


Now it was Ariana who wasn't feeling quite well. Even after she got cleaned up (and) got into a new dress(,) she didn't know where it exactly came from(.)" (Staring fixedly at books in the library, she pondered...) She couldn't shake off the feeling there was something more behind that sentence. With odd runes embedded all over the place...Ariana couldn't shake off the feeling that this place (had something wrong with it.)

She examined her slippers. Both of them were Bound with the usual symbols - but for some reason, when she tried to take them off, she couldn't bring herself to. Was it fear? Yes, perhaps that was what it was. She took a deep breath and counted to three.

She honestly needed to take control.

"There's nothing wrong with the gravity here, Miss Lawrence. You might as well take my wheelchair if you feel that horrible."

Ah yes, that familiar voice. Ariana could feel herself bristling as she slowly turned around to face him. The young master. Of course. If his father wasn't feeling well, he had probably been taking over the household for a while. She could feel that aura about him - had been feeling it for a while - the aura of dictatorship. "You...why do you keep doing this?"

Me again!

Again, a good chapter, something definately to work on, but it does need work.

What's where now?
I'm getting confused. The vague sense of environment and scenary are becomming a problem. Maybe you could slow the story down a little? Or even as Ariana enters a new place give a brief description of the lighting, what can be found in there, something to put a background image behind these moving characters.

The device?
I couldn't really work out what this was at all, or what it did. Maybe you described it in a strange way, or maybe it's just not piecing together in my head, I'm not sure. When you're introducing creations of your own mind to your readers it's best to describe them as clearly as possible. Even if the way it works looks good in your head, for the sake of your reader you should describe it as a moving television screen, or a door made out of lego pieces.

On that note
Remember that even though you know everything about what is going on, you have to present it to your reader who knows very, very little. When in doubt go back to basics. You need a character, with a personality and a purpose. I can't really see Ariana's purpose for being in this place yet. You also need a setting, where is it and what is there? Making a story vivid isn't just about those fantastic bits of sensory, you've got to remember the basic visual and spacial aspects as well.

Positives:
Don't be bogged down by the critical side. As with the previous chapter, this is simply something I enjoyed reading, and that's one of the key things in writing a story- to make it enjoyable for the reader and the writer. It's something not everyone gets the hang of, so think of what you have now as a mega-kick-start to what can be an awesome novel.

On to chapter three!