Watched - Prologue

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I peak my head out of the quilt with squinting eyes. The curtains are fluttering weakly and the sun is shining through them, giving my room a pale look of Monday morning. Behind them the window is barely cracked and fresh air is streaming through it. The warmth and comfort of my bed makes me want to stay in it all through the day. I enjoy the thought of this scenario for a couple of minutes before I stretch myself and make a dramatic scene out of throwing my quilt off. The cool air surrounds me and I jump out of bed and half run, half tip-toe, from the cold and fresh environment into the warmth and safety of the bathroom.
The shower is warm and comforting, and I enjoy it for all it’s worth before wrapping me in a white, fluffy towel. The mirror is fogged from the damp caused by the warm water, and I stare at my fuzzy and vague reflection.
‘I am happy and safe, as is my family and friends. Thank you for the truth of this.’ The chant is forever etched into my mind although I no longer form these words consciously. Childhood rituals, formed and forced from the first day out of my mother and father’s ultimate power over what would influence my mind, have all led to this one consequence. Is it truth or lies? It does not matter, for whatever the answer to this would be, the sun raises regardless of it.
The fog clears up, and I see myself staring confused back at me. Who are you? Hannah Georges. Who is that? That’s me.
“Hannah? Breakfast is ready! What’s the hold-up?” my mother’s voice is impatient. I dress myself, no longer taking in my surroundings, before skipping down the stairs and into the kitchen where my family is having breakfast. They are in the sort of state you see at most households in the morning, the mix of stress and forced relaxation. They all try to hurry and check the time every minute, while still making an effort to slow down and have a relaxed and comfortable morning ritual with the people they love. My father is reading the paper and drinking his coffee while my older brother is hovering over his shoulder, chewing a sandwich absentmindedly and trying to read at the distance.
“Hannah! Plait my hair?” my nine year old sister, Molly, demands, making it a questioning tone at the end when she realizes her chances of hair-plaiting are better that way.
“Molly, Hannah is late for lectures already,” my mother says, while pouring coffee in a big, red cup and handing me a sandwich. “Are you all right?” she asks, putting the cup in my free hand and looking quizzically at me. I nod, smile and take a sip from my coffee. She looks sceptically at me, but leaves it at that when my brother suddenly storms out of the room.
“What?” she asks, looking at my father. He only hands her the newspaper. Molly and I both pay great attention to my mother’s facial expression as it gets more and more suspicious for every word she reads. We hear the door slam, and knows our brother has gone early to the university, leaving me to go on my own.
“What does it say?” Demands Molly and stares her father down.
“Nothing special, sweetheart,” he says, “are you ready to get going? You don’t want to be late for school.”
“Yes I do.” she retorts promptly.
“No, you don’t, I don’t want to hear you say that, Molly,” my mother snaps.
“Come on, then,” I say, and grab her hand. I rush her into the hallway and hand her jacket over. She gives me a look, and even though I know exactly what she is trying to convey, I simply respond with a confused expression until she gives up and puts her jacket on.
“Off you go, then,” I tell her, and open the door. She is scared, I can tell. She is not scared of going out. She knows nothing will happen to her. It is the safest trip you can imagine, going to school, and she knows that. She is scared of what I was scared of at her age. She is scared of what it is our parents won’t tell us before we have left school, in fear of us telling someone there. But of course, living in our house, you’re bound to know that something is up. You’re bound to know that when the paper makes your older brother storm out of the room and your father pretend as if nothing is wrong, something isn’t right about the world. She knows that we're all being watched. Her school, her home, her friends, her friend's homes. But not who watches, or why.
“Bye,” she says, and goes. In about twenty minutes, she will stand behind her desk, chanting words she doesn’t know the meaning behind and thanking the state for the world she lives in, wondering which world it has replaced.
Last edited by Idunn Sofie on Sat Apr 02, 2011 12:51 pm, edited 2 times in total.
I came to this world with nothing,
and I leave with nothing but love
Everything else is just borrowed.




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Hello I'm SyntheticMan and I will be attempting to review you today. I say attempt as this is my first review, so i hope it is helpful.

Overall I enjoyed the piece, the ending in particular left me wanting more. Who is watching them? What is the nature of the state? Are we looking at a world reminiscent of the one in 1984 and is it a dystopia, or is this world perfect despite the fact they are being watched? Either way I think this presents an excellent foundation for a longer story set in the world, or perhaps just another part.

Anyway onto looking at the details.

Red for changes, blue for comments.

I peek my head out of the quilt with squinting eyes. I think it should read "I peek my head from out under the quilt, my eyes squinting in the light" The curtains are fluttering weakly and the sun is shining through them, giving my room a pale look of Monday morning. Behind them the window is barely open a crack and yet fresh air is streaming through it. The warmth and comfort of my bed makes me want to stay in it all through the day. I enjoy the thought of this scenario for a couple of minutes Not sure on this bit. I think you could say something about the character considering it before moving on before I stretch myself and make a dramatic scene out of throwing my quilt off.more description of this dramatic scene? The cool air surrounds me as I jump out of bed and half run, half tip-toe, from the cold and fresh environment into the warmth and safety of the bathroom. To my experience bathrooms are always freezing cold in the morning
The shower is warm and comforting, and I enjoy it for all it’s worth before wrapping myself in a white, fluffy towel. The mirror is has been? fogged by condensation, and I stare at my fuzzy and vague reflection.
‘I am happy and safe, as are my family and friends. Thank you for the truth of this.’ The chant is forever etched into my mind,comma although I no longer form these words consciously. Childhood rituals, formed and forced from the first day out of my mother and father’s ultimate power over what would influence my mind, have all led to this one consequence. Is it truth or lies? It does not matter, for whatever the answer to this would be, the sun rises regardless of it. Not sure on this line
The fog clears up, and I see myself staring confused back at me"and I see myself staring back confused" or something along those lines. Are they confused by their appearance? If so mention it. Who are you? Hannah Georges. Who is that? That’s me.
“Hannah? Breakfast is ready! What’s the hold-up?” my mother’s voice is impatient. I dress myself, no longer taking in my surroundings, before skipping down the stairs and into the kitchen where my family are having breakfast. They are in the sort of state you see at most households in the morning. A mix of stress and forced relaxation. They all try to hurry and check the time every minute, while still making an effort to slow down and have a relaxed and comfortable morning ritual with the people they love.Not sure if this sentence is necessary given the earlier description My father is reading the paper and drinking his coffee while whilst? my older brother is hovering over his shoulder, chewing a sandwich absentmindedly and trying to read at the distance.
“Hannah! Plait my hair?” my nine year old sister, Molly, demands, making it a questioning tone at the end when she realizes her chances of hair-plaiting are better that way. "adding the questioning tone to improve her chances of getting her hair plaited"
“Molly, Hannah is late for lectures already,” my mother says, while pouring coffee in a big, red cup and handing me a sandwich. “Are you all right?” she asks, passing the cup to my free hand and looking quizzically at me. I nod, smile and take a sip from my coffee. She looks sceptical, but leaves it at that when my brother suddenly storms out of the room.
“What?” she asks, looking at my father. He only hands her the newspaper. Molly and I both pay great attention to my mother’s facial expression as it gets more and more suspicious for every word she reads. We hear the door slam, and know our brother has gone early to the university, leaving me to go on my own.
“What does it say?” Demands Molly and stares her father down. "Demands Molly, staring up at her father"
“Nothing special, sweetheart,” he says, “are you ready to get going? You don’t want to be late for school.”
“Yes I do.” she retorts promptly. I like this exchange adds a great deal to Molly's impulsive and 'mature-for-her-age character
“No, you don’t.period I don’t want to hear you say that, Molly,” my mother snaps.
“Come on, then,” I say, and grab her hand. I rush pull? her into the hallway and hand her jacket over. She gives me a look, and even though I know exactly what she is trying to convey, I simply respond with a confused expression until she gives up and puts her jacket on.
“Off you go, then,” I tell her, and open the door. She is scared, I can tell. She is not scared of going out. She knows nothing will happen to her. It is the safest trip you can imagine, going to school, and she knows that. She is scared of what I was scared of at her age. She is scared of what it is our parents won’t tell us before we have left school, in fear of us telling someone there. But of course, living in our house, you’re bound to know that something is up. You’re bound to know that when the paper makes your older brother storm out of the room and your father pretend as if nothing is wrong, something isn’t right about the world. She knows that we're all being watched. Her school, her home, her friends, her friend's homes. But not who watches, or why. Bit too much repetition here.
“Bye,” she says, and goes. In about twenty minutes, she will stand behind her desk, chanting words she doesn’t know the meaning behind and thanking the state for the world she lives in, wondering which world it has replaced.I love the ending, really adds a great deal to the story and raises questions for the reader.


So once again - a great little story and I really hope you write more on this as I would love to see what else is going on in this world.

I hope you find my comments helpful and please choose to ignore as many as you want.




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I feel as if I wanted to know what the paper said the whole time! Lol I liked it for what it was! Simple!




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SyntheticMan: Hey! Thank you so much for the review! I was so happy when I read your second paragraph, you asked all the questions I wanted to convey. This is a dystopia, so I'm glad to hear you got that.

Your comments are great, I will definitely change a lot of it to what you suggested. There were many times where I was wondering about the things you pointed out, and I really wasn't sure about it, so it helped very much. It was great to see what was too vague as well, so that I can clarify it!

IoBromios: Haha, I'm glad to hear it! Thanks a lot! You'll definitely find out about what the paper said later on :)
I came to this world with nothing,
and I leave with nothing but love
Everything else is just borrowed.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3410
Reviews 87
Hi Sofie! (Can I call you that?) Wow, I'm surprised this is the first review I've given you after you've given me all those nice reviews! Shame on me.

Woah, this was very intriguing! I love the input of the subconscious chant, that was very interesting. This was a well-done prologue because it both captivates the reader and leaves them wanting more.

By the way, in the title, you spelled Prologue incorrectly.

Nitpicks:

I peak my head out of the quilt with squinting eyes. "Peak" should be spelled 'peek'.


I peak my head out of the quilt with squinting eyes. The curtains are fluttering weakly and the sun is shining through them, giving my room a pale look of Monday morning. Behind them the window is barely cracked and fresh air is streaming through it. The warmth and comfort of my bed makes me want to stay in it all through the day./ I enjoy the thought of this scenario for a couple of minutes before I stretch myself and make a dramatic scene out of throwing my quilt off. The cool air surrounds me and I jump out of bed and half run, half tip-toe, from the cold and fresh environment into the warmth and safety of the bathroom. While this paragraph is very well-written, it also seems excessively long and it becomes sort of mashed together. To fix this, I'd suggest splitting it into two paragraphs after 'day', (indicated by the '/'.)

'I am happy and safe, as is my family and friends. Thank you for the truth of this.' I would take out the 's and italicize this.

The shower is warm and comforting, and I enjoy it for all it%u2019s worth before wrapping me in a white, fluffy towel. Change 'me' to myself.


The fog clears up, and I see myself staring confused back at me. Reword this a bit, because it seems just a tiny bit juvenile. Maybe, "The fog clears up, and I see myself in the unblemished glass."? Also, I suggest taking out the comma before and.



I absolutely ADORED the ending.

In about twenty minutes, she will stand behind her desk, chanting words she doesn't know the meaning behind and thanking the state for the world she lives in, wondering which world it has replaced.


It's amazing, ending with more than enough of a hook to keep me both entertained and impatient for the next installment.

Til next time,

~BTM
"If you were half as funny as you thought you were, my boy,
you'd be twice as funny as you are."

- Dorothea, The Mortal Instruments



There is nothing to fear from someone who shouts.
— Chinua Achebe, Things Fall Apart