Second Chance - Chapter One

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“I’m in the business of misery; let’s take it from the top.” The words to Paramore’s Misery Business flowed from my cell phone. Quickly, I turned around and put the phone to my ear while simultaneously pressing ‘talk’.

“Hello,” I said.

“Hey Brook,” my best friend’s familiar voice was comforting.

“What’s up Em?”

“Someone bought Grunge!” she said excitedly.

“No way, how do you know?”

“Because, I’m sitting in a tree watching the moving van pull up.”

I thought of the old house in the woods behind our suburban subdivision. Then, I thought of Emily up in one of the huge oaks surrounding it. I laughed. “I’m so there.” I said. I couldn’t miss this.

“’K I’ll see you in five.”

“Three,”

“See you soon.”

“Bye,” I hung up the phone and turned to my closet. I was still in my most comfortable, trailer trash flamingo patterned pajamas. Flipping through my stuff, I unbuttoned my shirt and replaced it with a lacey, spaghetti strap tank top, soon followed by a pair of blue jeans. I slid a pair of sunglasses on over my eyes and pulled on a Blood on the Dance Floor cap.

I turned to the window and slid it open. A slight breeze drifted inside. I grabbed my backpack and swung it over my shoulder before popping the screen out of the window frame. I set it on the roof beside my window. Then, I swung my leg out the window. Soon enough, I was standing on the roof outside my window. I jumped up and grabbed the coil of rope I had tied to the top of the gutter two years ago. Making sure it was steady; I tested its strength before tossing over the side of the roof.

I chuckled at myself. I acted like I was going off on a world saving mission instead of sneaking off while I was grounded. I was such a dork. However, I was still pretty much a wimp. Instead of simply holding on to the rope and shimmying down, I chose to hold on to the rope, wrap my legs around the pillar holding up the roof and inch my way down. When I was safely on the ground, I tossed the rope back onto the roof. I looked around casually, adjusted my sunglasses and started down the sidewalk.

The Grunge was what Emily and I had named an old house behind our subdivision. It was in the midst of the woods that made up the border between our sub and a trailer park called Riverbrook. The Grunge had been there before Lombardo built the subdivision that was called Amherst, a.k.a. our sub. Or at least, that’s what we assumed. It just didn’t make sense to build a house in the middle of the woods, between two subdivisions. Apparently, it didn’t appeal to many other people either because no one had lived there for ages.

Often times, Emily and I would climb into the attic and just hang out there. It was pretty easy to get to with all of the high trees. It was our favorite spot to hang out.

Now, I was at the edge of the trees in front of the Grunge. It was just visible between the trees. As I scan the treetops, I caught a glimpse of Emily’s blue hoodie. She seemed oddly off balance but was still managing to sit still on her perch.

I avoided the dirt driveway and walked along the inside of the tree line until I was under Emily. Then, I began to climb. It was pretty easy considering that all of the branches were relatively close together. This, I knew, was why Emily had chosen this tree. We were pretty good at climbing since we had spent all last summer teaching ourselves, but we weren’t professionals. We were only thirteen for goodness sake, we could climb up to the attic of the Grunge but that was about it. Before that, we had been popping out the screen and opening the window on the first floor like I had my window.

“Hey Brook, I was starting to think you got caught.” Emily said when I was finally perched on a branch beside her.

“Nah, it just took a little while to get out.” I replied

“So you snuck out?”

“I had to, I’m grounded.”

“Still, jeez”

“Well we were walking on the garage roof. Usually people get grounded when they do that.”

“True,”

“Oh, look someone’s getting out of the truck.” We both turned to look as the driver’s side door of the moving van opened. All we could see from above was a head of brown hair. We watched the figure walk around to the back and open the rear compartment.

I felt something gnawing at the edges of my mind. “I feel like we’re forgetting something…” I said to Emily.

“Did you clear everything out last time?” She asked.

Suddenly, my leather bound notebook popped into my head. My journal! I thought. I had left it under a loose floorboard last week when Emily and I had been hanging out there. I usually kept my journal at home, under my mattress but that day, I had been in the middle of an entry when Emily called to say we should hang out there. So I got there early and continued my entry. I had finished just as Emily climbed in the window. In a rush to hide it, I stashed it under a loose floorboard. I had forgotten to take it on my way out.

Without a word, I began to scramble down the tree. Emily watched without a word as if she knew what I was going back for; but she couldn’t have. She just couldn’t have. I had never told Emily about my journal because she had always been a snoop. If I had told her about it, she would have gobbled it up in one sitting, even though I had been writing in it since I was ten.

Once at the base of the tree, I hurried towards the more dense part of the woods. Conveniently, that was where the window was. So I stayed in the shadows while steadily making my way to the house. And by the time I got to the tree we always used to get into the house, a black sedan drove into the driveway.

Knowing it was only a matter of seconds before the new owners of the house came close enough to see me, I began to shimmy up the tree. It was a more difficult tree to climb than the one Emily was still perched in because its branches were considerately farther apart. Before long though, I was level with the window and sliding it upward. There was no screen on the window because it had fallen out during a storm last year and we had never been able to find it.

When the window was open enough, I stuck my leg in the window. I glanced down and saw a few heads walking towards the door, all carrying boxes. I had to be quick. I pulled myself into the house by the window frame. Downstairs, I could hear the door opening and shutting. They were in the house. Hopefully, no one would bother to come up here. I dropped silently to my knees and felt along the boards until I heard one creak slightly. Then, I pulled that one upward. It tilted the rest of the board into the floor.

I found my journal quickly and held it to my chest. I bent down again and put the board back in place. As I began to stand up, I heard footsteps out side the door. I hurried towards the window, but apparently, I was too slow, or I underestimated the proximity of the footsteps, but either way, the door began to open.

I turned my head and glanced at the figure coming in. All I saw was a flash of olive colored skin and light brown hair before I jumped.
Last edited by BrooklynWriter on Tue Mar 22, 2011 9:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Definitely keep writing this!!
No bad comments to write.
When you write the next chapter write on my wall and
I will review it!!
<3
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Hey cuz! My corrections (and nitpicky personal things to) are as follows:

1.) You have a few spacing issues.It's an easy fix, and a bugger for reviewers and readers. If you need examples try:
“I had to, I’m grounded.”


“Still, jeez”


and

“True,”
“Oh, look someone’s getting out of the truck.” We both turned to look as the driver’s side door of the moving van opened. All we could see from above was a head of brown hair. We watched the figure walk around to the back and open the rear compartment.


See? Careful with your spacing, but it's an easy fix!

2.)
“I had to, I’m grounded.”


“Still, jeez”

“Well we were walking on the garage roof.”

“True,”


Am I missing something here? This part of the conservasation just seems plopped down. I'm honestly not sure what there talking about. Is this the reason Brook's grounded? Something else? Make this clearer please!

3.)Also, since you directed me to the novel's page, I noticed that it said "Second Chance-Chapter One." All the chapters of your novels will appear there, not just chapter one! I'm not sure if you knew that, so just checking!

Just finish those corrections and you'll be gold! Thanks for requesting! I enjoyed the read.
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Hey K,
Thanks for the heads up. I totally appreciate that. I completely missed those. Talk to ya later!




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Hey BrooklynWriter!

I really enjoyed reading this. I have a feeling I know where this might be heading, but the way you write has me wanting to read on, despite my theories.

So, I did spot some nit-piks. I'll point those out first before I give you my overall thoughts.

“What’s up Em?”


You need a comma after 'up'

“’K I’ll see you in five.”


Comma after 'K'

“Three,”


The comma should be a full stop.

“Bye,”


Same here.

I set it on the roof beside my window. Then, I swung my leg out the window. Soon enough, I was standing on the roof outside my window.


The word I've bolded above is used a lot in a small amount of space, so it becomes a little repetitive to the reader. Maybe try something like this instead -

'I set it on the roof beside my window and swung my leg out. Soon enough, I was standing on the roof outside my window.'

tossing over the side of the


You need 'it' after 'tossing'

Often times, Emily and I would climb into the


'Often times' is awkward. Try 'Sometimes' or just 'Often'

As I scan the treetops


'scan' should be 'scanned'

We were only thirteen for goodness sake, we could climb up to the attic of the Grunge but that was about it.


I'd switch the comma to a full stop.

.” Emily


The full stop should be a comma.

out.” I replied


Same here.

“Still, jeez”


This should be written as - '“Still? Jeez”'

“True,”


The comma should be a full stop.

She asked.


'she'

the more dense part of the


Instead of 'more dense' try 'denser'

When the window was open enough, I stuck my leg in the window.


Try replacing the first 'window' with 'it' - that way, you don't have 'window' twice in the sentence.

I glanced down and saw a few heads walking towards the door


I get what you're trying to say but 'a few heads' makes it seem as though what she sees is heads without bodies. Try -

'I glanced down and saw a few people walking towards the door'

but apparently, I was too slow


You don't need the comma.

***

Overall, I think you have a good start to a story here. You have a nice writing style and I could imagine the things you were describing clearly.

I would like to see more of your character's emotions though. We don't know how she feels at all throughout the piece. Here for example -

I found my journal quickly and held it to my chest.


Is she relieved that she's found her journal? Scared that she can hear voices? Worried that she'll get caught? At the moment, she doesn't seem to feel anything and to the reader, that makes her seem flat and unrealistic. After all, emotions are what makes us human.

I'd also like to see you describing expressions and how they talk during speech. As it stands, the dialogue in the piece is boring and list like. I've added in a few suggestions that can make the dialogue more exciting.

“Nah, it just took a little while to get out.” I replied.

“So you snuck out?” she asked, looking impressed.

I nodded. “I had to, I’m grounded.”

“Still? Jeez.”

“Well we were walking on the garage roof. Usually people get grounded when they do that,” I said, raising an eyebrow at her.

“True,”


You don't have to copy my suggestions - it's just an example of how to make the dialogue come alive.

I also noticed that you did this ever now again throughout the piece.

So I got there early and continued my entry.


Using 'so' changes the way the story sounds. It's hard to explain, but it makes the sentence seem as though it hasn't been said in the same voice as the rest of the piece. I think you did this a couple more times. It's up to you whether you change it or not, but I think as it is, it disrupts the flow of the piece.

I definitely want you to continue on with this. It has potential :)

I hope this review helps!

xDudettex
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Okay, I'm just gonna cut to the chase.

“I’m in the business of misery; let’s take it from the top.” The words to Paramore’s Misery Business flowed from my cell phone. Quickly, I turned around and put the phone to my ear while simultaneously pressing ‘talk’.

“Hello,” I said.

“Hey Brook,” my best friend’s familiar voice was comforting.

“What’s up, Em?”

“Someone bought Grunge!” she said excitedly. I feel you are rushing this whole conversation, slow it down and take your time.

“No way, how do you know?”

“Because, I’m sitting in a tree watching the moving van pull up.”

I thought of the old house in the woods behind our suburban subdivision. Then, I thought of Emily up in one of the huge oaks surrounding it. I laughed. “I’m so there.” I said. I couldn’t miss this.

“’Kay, I’ll see you in five.”

“Three,” Again you need to slow this down.

“See you soon.”

“Bye,” I hung up the phone and turned to my closet. I was still in my most comfortable, trailer trash flamingo patterned pajamas. Flipping through my stuff, I unbuttoned my shirt and replaced it with a lacey, spaghetti strap tank top, soon followed by a pair of blue jeans. I slid a pair of sunglasses on over my eyes and pulled on a Blood on the Dance Floor cap.


“Hey Brook, I was starting to think you got caught,” Emily said when I was finally perched on a branch beside her.

“Nah, it just took a little while to get out.” I replied.

“So you snuck out?”

“I had to, I’m grounded.” It might help if you put who is speaking. At ALL times! This is vital as other readers can get confused.

“Still? Jeez”


Overall, I found this okay. Your puncuation really needs working on but other than that, keep writing. :D
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