Mask Of Glass

The steady concrete underfoot
is not as firm as it might seem.
There are horrors you overlook;
find me a mirror, let me scream.

Beneath this mask of brittle glass
I wear another of gilded lead.
Dig deeper and you'll find brass;
scrape further - your hands are red.

Mirrored surface shatters, cracks
as its crystal eye sorts through
majestic gems and rotten shacks
and stumbles upon
.................................nothing.

(The dots aren't supposed to be there, but it was the only way to get the word where I wanted it. The idea was that it would be in the middle of nothing, so please try to ignore the dots. Thanks.)

Amusing!

I hardly get to read any rhyming poetry nowadays, and I must say that it can be delightful at times. The second-to-last line really wasn't long enough, I think. The short abruptness gets me, but at that point if I'm reading I don't need a hook. =]

Add a word or two, nothing over-extravagant. The line breaks the rhyme scheme, so that grabs my attention as well. A longer line without the rhyme or a shorter one with it: both or neither might be the best solution here, I can't really tell.

Good call cutting loose from end stops in the last stanza, it ups the flow and builds to the conclusion quite well (especially since it would make more sense here to have end stops more at the end, not your way). The title is fine (and dandy), as long as you can work it into the meaning or syntax of the poem somehow or other. I like your idea of the 'nothing' being all alone, that is something I've messed around with as well, in different ways. Check out Albert Goldbarth, you might fall in love with his stuff if this is your sort of poetry. All in all, amusing to read, keep on writing!

Thanks for commenting.

I changed the second-to-last line as per request. Good advice there.

Very nice. Love the imagery. Leaves you thinking.. Still think that the last line would be awsum if it rhymed, but i dont know much about poetry
PS this is my first comment <*o*>
Also, this is the first thing ive read so far

Glad to be your first view and comment. Thanks and welcome to YWS!

Hi there. Lavvi in to review.

So for being written in the morning, it's okay. It's not anything fantastic, but it's definitely an original concept, and you really have a thing for making sure the rhythm is on perfectly.

Yeah, the multiple periods before "nothing" sort of ruins it, but I understand it's not how you wanted it represented, so I won't bother you about that.

I really liked:

Beneath this mask of brittle glass
I wear another of gilded lead.
Dig deeper and you'll find brass;
scrape further - your hands are red.

It just fit so well into the poem.

Reflective surface shatters, cracks

"Reflective" just seems like too much of a word here. You've had great, poetic ones earlier on and this just...yucks it up a bit. Perhaps substitute it for the word "mirrored"? It's only a suggestion, however.

Lavvi

The poem sounds good.. a little too short but I loved it

Thanks for the reviews/comments! ^^

The point was to make it short, mostly cause I'm lazy. This just popped into my mind and I had to write it down.

Great poem, and I love how it's short, because even though it's short, you still get something through.
And like BoZi said, it leaves you thinking. I'm still - after having read it a few times - not sure what to think, and I like that! That it's mysterious!
- But a really good poem!