For Jesus

The dark embrace
cold wrapped around
a heart of stone



Burrowing into
the depths of a
troubled soul



A black forest
mingled with loss
mingled with fear



A rugged cross
stained with blood
spilt for this soul



Something clicks
kneeling at an altar
repenting sins



Then light
a blessed light is
shining throught leaves



It plunges into the very
corners of that heart
that dark soul



Yet again light has
utterly vanquished
the dark



'Tis another victr'y
for our Savior
for our King



This is for Jesus.

Beautiful poem, and It had a pretty good rhythem

*Jesus is smiling down on you

Powerful...! Good job. It was a bit disjointed, but I think that helped to bring the message across more

God is wearing black and this poem made me see a light
And it's something I don't want to see again.

I see age makes wisdom.

I...

am not allowed, by pride, to like any poem named "For Jesus"

...


with that said, good poem, I liked it.

My first thought at the end of this poem, "Heck yes!" So very nice work overall.

A couple of nitpicks and comments, etc.:

I read it through about three times, and at first I disliked the fact that it was just a bunch of images at the beginning and I was thinking, 'okay... but what's the point?' but now I understand that you were describing the blackness of the soul before moving into the rest. Right? Hope so.

A rugged cross
stained with blood
spilt for this soul

I liked this because it was a nice mingling of old imagery with new. "The Old Rugged Cross" is what I always think of when I hear or see that phrase, but adding in "stained with blood/split for this soul" gave it new depth and meaning, so kudos there.

It plunges into the very
corners of that heart
that dark soul

I can just see light flooding every corner, every bit of a person... love this image.

Yet again light has
utterly vanquished
the dark

You did it again here! I love how it builds up from flashing from image to image, darkness, death, despair, and suddenly light is flooding in, spreading everywhere and then...

'Tis another victr'y
for our savior
for our king

For Jesus

Great note to end on, because when I clicked on this I expected it to be, "Jesus is my king/he buys me chicken wings." Okay, so not really, but you know one of those "oh Father you're just so awesome and I just thank you for your precious wonderful mercies, Father..." Those make me gag.

But, in the tradition of a great old hymn, you did the power and majesty thing, and I loved it. My only suggestion for the closing two stanzas would be to capitalize Saviour and King, and put a period after Jesus, just to make it say, bam.

But overall, lovely work, Keowyn. Thanks for sharing.

thanks for that. I did realize I should have capitalized and all, so I'll go edit it and see if you like it.

I do like it capitalized much better, but I much prefer a simple "for Jesus" than "this is for Jesus." I think the "for Jesus!" idea is a lot stronger because it's so straightforward, less sweetness and more warriors for Christ, which I don't think we see enough of these days. Plus, it reminded me of "For Narnia!"

Another quick suggestion: Do you think you could get rid of some of the spaces between stanzas? It's harder to follow when it's that far apart.

*grimances*
well, it was a good poem
but it repelled me from christianity, when i was trying to desperately to hang on
i don't know. it sort of killed that spirit.
but otherwise, you got it all down.

how did it repel you?

well, God be with you.

if you were trying to hang on to Christianity. . .

i can only advise you to find a local youth group or something. . . regular church is ok, so yeah.

anyways, hang out with Cristians and ask someone to tell you more about it.

In Christ,
Keowyn
<><

very nice poem, and I'm proud to have voted the second option!

One comment, the 'something clicked' seems slightly out of place...

I too am a christian and want to write something for God, but so far haven't known what to put. This is well-written, and really speaks of the glory of Christ without going too far in, or over the top.

Good rhythm, only thing I'd suggest would be a few commas, but if you did that on purpose then don't listen to me; it's your style so it's your format too.

Actually, one thing did jump out at me which is that I would have written 'Saviour', and not 'Savior' but I guess that's an americanism(?)

Good work, and keep it up!! :thumb:


~KayJuran~

I'm am not a Christian but I don't think it matters, this is an awsome poem. The words you used were great and for some reason I kind of liked the long spaces inbeetween the stanzas, but that's just me.

A black forest
mingled with loss
mingled with fear

LOVE that stanza and the imagry, I love the word "Mingled" always have. Great poem, keep it up!