Sorry, Songbird

Sorry, Songbird
By: The.Dreamwalker

A ceaseless, sifting, songbird,
On a cold September night,
Could hardly bring that passion,
Of a heart that’s still in flight.

Her song may be of sadness,
And her tune a folly too,
But nothing holds the heartache,
Of that molten azure blue.

Her wings may be of softness,
With colours of every kind,
But I prefer the clear ones,
That appear inside my mind.

I know that she sings for me;
And I’ll pity her if I must,
But nothing could be better,
Than the one of which I trust.

I’ll bear her disappointment,
Cause I know I’ve been unsound,
But without him I would be,
An insurmountable let-down.

To someone else she’s beautiful;
A treasure to behold,
But for me I’ve got my fortune,
It’s a prize that can’t be sold.

This is beautiful! It's not corny, it is poetic, you did a great job conveying a message, I really love it (and I rarely like poetry). I liked how you only made every other line rhyme, it made it less corny but gave it an extra poetic value that makes it perfect. I think you used words perfectly. you used words that are less common, which i like.

You used some good words, but I think a few more would be good. In the last four lines there weren't any amazing words that really caught my attention, so you could use more descriptive words there.

I especially like the line, " of that molten azure blue." It's extremely descriptive and the words are poetic and give a very distinct image in the reader's mind. I also liked the last line.

I hope my review helped, I'm not that good at reviewing poetry!

No, no, thank you kindly and I'm glad you took the time to review it! Made me really happy! And I'll think about changing up the word scheme . I got bored this morning and wrote this so I wasn't really thinking about wording xD. I saw blue-jays outside and it made me happy cause spring was here so I wrote about them ;D

Hey Dreamy, as requested.

Eh, as I read in your blog you're kind of out of your element? It shows, though it's always nice to see people try out poetry a little more.

It's generally an amateur take on poetry from someone who hasn't found their voice, nor become aware of the full utilization of poetic devices for description rather then sticking to the basic story telling voice. How do you separate yourself from that?

Well, the most stereotypical advice I can give you to start you off is read poetry. I read a lot of poetry from different well-known poetic users on the site when I started out. They aren't hard to find really they're scattered around the site, but you can also go for known poets in general. I was recommend a marvelous site not long ago (http://www.poets.org/)
Just read, see what people are doing that makes their work different from every other teenager on this site that wants to express their feelings while bathing us in their literary emoh genius. Take care to look past these and see where they fall flat.

You've taken a slight step away from the completely literal, but your imagery is bland. The only sort of description I get through this entire poem is:

Of that molten azure blue

Which to be honest isn't much for me to work with. Molten azure? Okay that sounds like a wonderful colour. But it doesn't paint out this bird for me and doesn't accentuate the emotions you're trying to convey within the poem.

For example, azure is a nice bright blue, but you're communicating a light sadness yes? A bright colour ferociously contradicts that. You have to be carefully with any description you put in. You want a colour that's softer, maybe not completely dull but a little more faded. And you want to really push on the fact it's bright, but still faded if that makes sense?

Then the next issue is your lack of description, it's not only for physical things. You can relate an emotion to a simple action with simple textures, sights, smells, actions. You can relate her singing to (being cliche here, don't take this word for word ) the way the wind sounds in the trees. Or the sadness to way bark cracks on a windy day. It doesn't matter what it relates to when you've thought of the feeling and image you want to create, you just have to bridge the gap between the two. Don't go comparing random things of course, there's always the boundary of sense.

Lastly the amount of it, it's not restricted to two or three images once you've stepped away from the physical and literal.
Poetry itself is really telling a story in the manner of eating a fruit like an apricot.
Soft textured words on the inside, a deep thought process and story and in the middle a feeling or general lasting emotion or concept.

I need to lay off the comparisons.

Yours,

Kamas

I just realized how late this review is! I'm extremely sorry. In fact, to make up for its lateness, I'll go ahead and review something else of yours after this review is done. I haven't read any of the other reviews, so I apologize in advance if I happen to repeat anything. So. Let's get started, shall we?

A ceaseless, sifting, songbird, The alliteration is cool, but I'm not exactly sure what it's intended to accomplish.
On a cold September night, Already you're beginning to fall into the downward spiral of a cliched rhythm. Compare these two lines to two lines from any given children's poem. Chances are, they'll be more than a bit similar. For the reader's sake, please think of something a bit more...original? Interesting? The pros: You have a rhythm. The cons: It's pathetic.
Could hardly bring that passion, Sounds incomplete. Is "bring" really the right word here?
Of a heart that’s still in flight. Better, but my criticism stands - you need a more intriguing rhythm. What you have thus far is utterly pitiful in its predictability. And this is unfortunate, considering it's also clear that you have an image in your head, but there seems to be some sort of retardation, if you will, in your ability to personify these conceptions.

Her song may be of sadness, Again, the predictability is menial. Remember that in poetry, one doesn't have to be restrained by the laws of grammar nearly as much as one is in prose. Also, the genericalness of your word choice does little to do this any justice; and not just in this line, but in earlier ones as well.
And her tune a folly too, A folly? This 1) ruins the sentimental atmosphere, 2) sounds utterly strange, and 3) is not the right word anyway.
But nothing holds the heartache, Nothing does? What about the bird itself? I think you should aim more for a comparison adjective here.
Of that molten azure blue. Good description, but honestly, I should be seeing more of this. It saddens me to think that you are this adroit at description, but this is the only instance in the poem you've added any of decent caliber.

Her wings may be of softness, Seriously? Starting off on the same note as last stanza? The rhythmic homogeneity is bad enough. Repetition won't get you anywhere.
With colours of every kind, There are so many better ways to describe a polychromasia. "Colors of every kind" is upsetting, to say the least.
But I prefer the clear ones, I like this. Your word choice is, as always, somewhat simplistic, but the idea is appealing.
That appear inside my mind. The same can be said for this line.

I know that she sings for me; Doesn't flow well. I'd cut the "that," as pronouns tend to do little but clutter an idea in most cases.
And I’ll pity her if I must, Is "pity" really the right word?
But nothing could be better, No comma necessary.
Than the one of which I trust. The worst you could do is start to slaughter proper grammar, on top of everything else. In poetry, of course, grammar can be flouted at times, but to attempt sophisticated phrasing and so openly fail at it looks very, well, bad. In fact, I would just toss this stanza altogether, as none of its contents seem especially necessary. Its flow is off compared to the rest of the poem, and the feeling does not appear to be quite synchronized.

I’ll bear her disappointment, Good. I can see where this is coming from, which is a first. No critiques for this line, though I do hope your word choice perks up a bit soon.
Cause I know I’ve been unsound, For some reason, "cause" has never sat well with me. Perhaps it's that its origins are nothing less than of informality, a shortened form of "because." So I'd personally recommend changing that - or at least adding the proper apostrophe at the beginning.
But without him I would be, "Him?" Is there a male songbird now?
An insurmountable let-down. I'm both relieved and disappointed here. This flows with the gracefulness of a dying cat, but, then again, your use of a word more advanced than "sadness" is lightening.

To someone else she’s beautiful; Bland. And what backup do you have for this? If this is the last stanza, one would think that you were going to summarize the ideas presented earlier. But instead, you're presenting new concepts, after all that? Up till now, I've thought that you did find the songbird beautiful.
A treasure to behold, Don't even get me started on how exasperatingly cliched this line is. Seriously.
But for me I’ve got my fortune, What? I know what you're trying to say, but the wording is off. Try messing around with this line a bit.
It’s a prize that can’t be sold. Erm...what is? What are you referring to with "it?" Your fortune? Or the songbird?

I'm honestly sorry for being so harsh with you. With work, I think this poem could amount to something beautiful. And, again, I'm even more sorry for being this late. :p

I do hope this helped. PM me with any questions or comments regarding this review, and, as always, keep writing.

-Kafka

This is absolutely beautiful! Please keep writing, I counted no flaws except the advise that, don't sacrifice expressing yourself for a rhyme.