(I don't know what to name it yet)

First, i must say I did not like this poem. To me this does not not even seem like a poem, simply a statement of fact, especially towards the end.

Who you hang with is who you tend to become.
The things that surround you can change you for better or worse.

This cliche should not be in this poem. There are better phrases that could be used.

Become one with darkness of the world around you,
Or become a part of the little of the light that is left.

Next these two lines don't flow right.

Of

in the first line should be deleted. Perhaps in its place in. The second line is okay.

Overall this poem struck me as mundane, and not overly unique. Keep trying though.

Hello.

This poem suffers from a few things. Namely: vagueness, rhyme, and a too slow pace.

The vagueness first. It comes from two primary problems: weak phrasing and no grounding in an event. "Weak phrasing" means that you don't create an image in our minds; you use general terms like "a kiss and a punch" without elaborating. This leads me to grounding the poem. Even though it is dramatic poetry and discusses emotion, which is generally abstract, you should always make poetry relate to something solid. By grounding the poem in something solid, you'll start to create an image in our minds. Once an image is created, you can use poetic devices to show the emotions you want to show.

Next, the rhyme. You limit yourself to very simple phrasing by forcing couplets (two lines in a row) to rhyme every single time. This very limited rhyme scheme is probably one of the reasons you don't ground the poem in anything too solid; your rhyme forces abstract concept after abstract concept.You can keep the rhyme scheme, so long as you get rid of the vagueness.

The slow pace last. To put it bluntly, you take too long to get to the point. Cut out a lot of the early imagery in this, as I had a near impossible time getting to the end. I started skimming (primarily because of the aforementioned vagueness issue) about mid-way through and registered at the end, and even then just barely.

Overall, this needs work. I'd work on picking one metaphor and exploring it in-depth, instead of taking every image under the sun and not expanding on them enough.

~Rosey

Hi there. Lavvi in to review.

So this is cool. Whimsical. I'm liking the comparisons. It's interestingly set up. However, it has a bizarre vagueness about it.

Rosey's already said tons to help so I'm not sure what to say. But it's good.

The ending seems a little clunky, however. It's just kind of said, And I' don't like that. Perhaps take it out?

Lavvi

Hi there

I think this as potential but needs some work.

Firstly I really think you should lose the rhyme here, it doesn’t work here at all. It just makes it feel very repetitive

Secondly the thing with naming two different things like

"A smile, A frown,
There's up and down,
The sunshine and storms,
The candy and worms,
A gift, a prank,
A hope and hunch,
A kiss and punch,
Ice and fire,"


Gets old quickly.

So keep working at it.