Red, White, Blue, Brown.

This needs a little TLC.


Her knuckles were an iridescent white as she scrubbed out the pots in the sink. Tiny water droplets peppered her blue, cotton dress.
Midmorning glinted off the silver body of a half-submerged saucepan while a continuous loop of shrieks and laughter wafted in from the open window. Children were starting to conglomerate on the streets playing, fighting, imagining.
The small joints in her fingers rejoiced as she relaxed them, finished with another round of scrubbing. She ran a hand through her red tresses and sighed, eying the work still left to be completed.
Her son sat in the living room where she could see him. Content to play with his toys, Michael was uncharacteristically quiet this morning, enthralled in the train set his father had made for him, his pride and joy. Its track lay in a blocky, t-shaped fashion along the carpet and Michael adored spending time with the shiny silver cars and bright red caboose. He loved to enthrall himself in the gleam of the polish, the intricateness of the design, the wholesome attractiveness of the set.
The doorbell went off in the house with a resounding ding dong. Michael’s mother glanced up from the dishes and rung her wet hands out on a dishrag. Her bare feet padded on the floor as she went to answer the door on the east side of the house, shooting her son a smile on her way there.
She opened the door to find a small, brown face looking up at her.
“Hello Jay,” she said.
“Hi ma’am,” returned the boy with a little, toothy smile upon his lips.
“Won’t you come in?” she asked, opening the door wider so that Jay could enter.
“Michael,” his mother called into the house as her eyes took Jay in, standing quietly and reservedly in the corner of the rug. “Jay is here to play with you.” Her voice climbed in octave near the ends of her sentences.
Michael quickly stumbled in from the adjacent room to greet this new playmate. Their initial greeting reminded her of a pair of dogs greeting each other for the first time, testing boundaries, establishing territories, exchanging high pitched small talk in place of explorative sniffs.
In a matter of seconds, they scampered off to play and she slowly meandered back to the kitchen. The pots taunted her as she mused upon Jay’s influence over Michael. She’d heard enough of the neighbors talk about how his brothers had become somewhat of a terror in their neighborhood. The most infamous instance was purposely kicking over the beautiful mermaid fountain in Nina Ying’s garden. Still, it was not her place to judge Jay on the actions of others.
As the day wore on, Jay and Michael seemed to be getting along fine enough.
“Do you boys want a popsicle?” she found herself asking as they emerged from the backyard, rosy cheeked from exercise. Their small faces nodded in eagerness and she made her way to the freezer and pulled out a box. She reached a hand in only to discover only one icy package in the corner of the cardboard.
“Oh,” she said, pulling it out by the edges of the white plastic, “I guess there’s only one, kids.”
She looked at both boys, each already salivating at the thought of frozen cherry flavoring between their lips.
“Well,” she screwed up her lips and then smiled at Jay.
“Jay, would you like the last popsicle?”

Hey. So, I liked this piece. It's interesting, though the end has me all confuzzled. But that's my normal state, so maybe I'm just missing something. I was sort of like: Hm, so she didn't pick her son...or decide to let them share it. Curious.

Your use of color as a topic was interesting as well. Was this a free write?

I will give you the needed "TLC" now. First off, all names must be set off. "Yes ma'am" needs to be "Yes, ma'am". Secondly, try not to use too many unneeded words. You're trying to give the reader something to grasp, so they can then imagine the thing in their head. Giving them boundaries can make them annoyed.

I suppose that's about it. I liked it more before the dialogue started, mainly because it started to confuse me after that. This still doesn't make sense to me: "...his mother called into the house as her eyes took Jay in, standing quietly and reservedly in the corner of the rug."

Other things, like saying "his Mom" when you were talking about Jay, as well as using "brown face" and then "brown little boy" adds unneeded repetition. I won't get too nit-picky, but there's some pointers for you.

So, good luck and if you want me to get nit-picky, ask me in a PM and I'll go over this with my finest comb. *nods*

-Casper

Hello FRAYEDjade! First of all, I love your verbs. Water droplets peppered, and midmorning glinted, and her fingers rejoiced, for example. Verbs like that are descriptive and fun to read. I also like what you've done with Jay's character. You explained how the mother had heard bad things about the boy's siblings, but the way you described Jay gave me the sense that he was different. Especially here:

“Michael,” his mother called into the house as her eyes took Jay in, standing quietly and reservedly in the corner of the rug.

The only question I have is, what exactly does the last line mean in terms of the circumstances of this scene? What is its significance, and what affect do you want it to have on the reader? I took it to mean that the mother had decided that Jay was, in fact, a good boy and not necessarily like his siblings. However, it could also have meant that the mother was just being polite to her guest.
And for one last, nit-picky thing, I would just watch out for repeating words in the same paragraph. I think you used enthral more than once somewhere, for example.
Other than that, I really enjoyed this piece. I thought it was interesting and well-written, and, like I said before, I love your descriptive language.

Hope this has helped! PM me with any questions!

GreenFinch

Hey there! First of all, I'd like to say that your style is beautiful. I find this very, very necessary for writing short stories to make up for the lack of plot to carry on the story. The description leaves a clear sense of the setting to the reader.

As beautiful as the description is, it leaves a little to be desired in the area of character. There's a very brief sense of them, but nothing revealing their motivations or anything beyond the surface. I want to know why Michael's mother invites Jay into the house, despite what his brothers are known for, and why she decides to give him the popsicle to Jay over Michael. Give me something so that there's a sense of involvement instead of just observing a suburban scene.

Also, I don't know the purpose of the story, but it felt a little unsatisfactory by the end. The conclusion didn't feel like a conclusion. Nothing changed. Michael's mother already accepted Jay when he walked in the door, nothing is said if Michael seems to form a significant bond with Jay. This problem could be solved easily just by having Michael's mother suspicious on Jay's entry and him proving that he is unlike his brothers, or Michael sharing his beloved trainset with his playmate.

All in all, I would say the most significant thing you could focus on improving would be involving the reader. Unless being only an observer is important to the idea of the story, go beyond the surface of the action.

Christy