Ask Me, I'm Fine

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SporkPunk
Gender Female
Points 15813
Reviews 213
Tue Mar 15, 2011 6:32 pm
SporkPunk says... · Tue Mar 15, 2011 6:32 pm
A/N: I actually like the subject matter of this poem. However, for some reason I am absolutely terrible when it comes to rhythm or meter. I don't possess that quirky talent, I suppose. And that's okay. But I want to submit this to my school's lit mag. As the Layout Editor, and as we only had 120 submissions this year, I'm almost guaranteed a spot. But I want this to actually, y'know, look good. So, if you could take a look at it, rip it to shreds, and whatnot, go for it. I'd appreciate any thoughts.:)


It's all about stuff.
What you can see.
What you can touch.
Everything worth anything
condensed.

Reader's Digest of your life.
Commemorative plates of
precious moments. Special
edition memories. Limited
time only successes. If you
call in now we'll throw in the
overwhelming sense that you
failed.

Buy buy buy.
Spend spend spend.
You are nothing
without those trends.

Xanax dreams of plenty.
Broken hearts encased
by white picket fences.

You tell yourself this
isn't what you wanted.
You just wanted to
be happy.
Grasped by the throat, grasped by the throat. That's how I feel about love. That it's not worth it.

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icanbefixed
Gender Female
Points 10456
Reviews 95
Sun Mar 20, 2011 1:43 am
icanbefixed says... · Sun Mar 20, 2011 1:43 am
Hey there, Spork. So, first of all. I like the subject of your poem as well! I think that with a little trimming (or adding, if it helps), it could be quite the poem!

Off to the actual review!

So, this is just the rhythm stuff. You have a tendency to favor a period. Poetry is usually very... legato, so periods are taken very literally. They make the poem extremely choppy and hard to read. A lot of times, a stanza can be condensed into one sentence. If you do that, it helps with the flow.

Spoiler
SporkPunk wrote:It's all about stuff.
What you can see[.] make this a comma
What you can touch.
Everything worth anything
condensed.

Reader's Digest of your life[.] a comma as well
Commemorative plates of
precious moments[.] comma! Special
edition memories[.] comma here Limited
time only successes. new paragraph

If you call in now [new line]
we'll throw in the
overwhelming sense rhythm here was off
that you failed.

Buy buy buy. add in commas
Spend spend spend. redundant, but add commas
You are nothing
without those trends.

Xanax dreams of plenty[.] comma
Broken hearts encased
by white picket fences.

You tell yourself this
isn't what you wanted.
You just wanted to
be happy.


Alright. Next part.

Spoiler
SporkPunk wrote:It's all about stuff.
What you can see,
What you can touch.
Everything worth anything
only condensed.

Reader's Digest of your life,
it makes commemorative plates of
precious moments: semicolon instead, haha (:
Special edition memories,
Limited time only successes. what? more detail, please(:

If you call in now,
we'll throw in the
overwhelming sense
that you failed.

Buy, buy, buy.
Spend, spend, spend.
You are nothing
without those trends. give me more with this. the buy,buy,buy stuff is redundant. instead, use the spend,spend,spend in another stanza and add detail to it! or just take the stanza out all together.

Xanax dreams of plenty,
Broken hearts encased
by white picket fences. love this. (:

You tell yourself this
isn't what you wanted.
You just wanted to
be happy.you could make the ending stronger. add some meat to this poem's bones!


All in all, I liked it. notify me if you change it up any! and good luck with your feedback in the paper (:

love,
fixed
smt:027
The hardest mountain to climb will have the greatest view. Everything at a different angle: memories serve as double vision, a view from the valleys as well as the precipice. But everything that goes up must come down.The descent from the peak will be twice as graceful & three times as difficult
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ForsakenAngel
Gender Female
Points 1944
Reviews 116
Fri Mar 25, 2011 4:07 am
ForsakenAngel says... · Fri Mar 25, 2011 4:07 am
Hey, Sporky :D I like this, it's pretty cool! It deserves a 'like' ^.^

~Forsakinshadow~
Hakuna Matata <3
RIP to all my friends who didn’t make it.

Hop freight or get lost.
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Lavvie
Supporter
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Points 18916
Reviews 530
Sun Mar 27, 2011 7:55 pm
Lavvie says... · Sun Mar 27, 2011 7:55 pm
Hi Spork. Lavvi in to review.

I sort of read this like an oddly broken up very, very short story. Like icanbefixed already pointed out, the periods make it kind of choppy. They already pointed out some worthy ideas to consider.

Perhaps it's just me and my fatigue, but I really didn't understand the poem. I felt like it kind of just jumps all over the place, y'know? This can easily be fixed by taking out some words, making it more poem less prose. The periods, as well, have got to go someplace. I'm not saying totally remove the periods, but make them minimal in count.

Lavvi
this tender self • metamorpoiesis • i have returned with the swell

What is to give light must endure burning. – Viktor Frankl
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Jas
Gender Female
Points 805
Reviews 336
Sun Mar 27, 2011 8:09 pm
Jas says... · Sun Mar 27, 2011 8:09 pm
Hey,

I liked this but I think it needs some help. It read as a story, as sentences rather than a poem. It's a bit choppy at times and there were occurences of enjambment that didn't sound right. I think you need more imagery, description and symbolism. This is very literal, very 'I'm telling you this bluntly' instead of 'I'm telling you this, but it might imply something else' which is what you should be aiming for in a poem. I really liked 'Broken hearts encasedby white picket fences.' and I think stuff like that is what you should try to write because it was brilliant. You have a good start, but now you need to edit a little.

Favorite Line: Broken hearts encased by white picket fences.

Grade: B+

~Jas
I am nothing
but a mouthful of 'sorry's, half-hearted
apologies that roll of my tongue, smoothquick, like 'r's
or maybe like pocket candy
that's just a bit too sweet.

~*~
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KatTrain
Gender Female
Points 7297
Reviews 156
Sun May 01, 2011 7:51 pm
KatTrain says... · Sun May 01, 2011 7:51 pm
It's all about stuff.
What you can see. comma
What you can touch. comma
Everything worth anything comma
condensed.
Aside from the punctuation, outstanding first stanza.

It's the Reader's Digest of your life. comma
Commemorative plates of
precious moments. Special
edition memories. Limited
timehyphenonly successes. If you
call in now we'll throw in the
overwhelming sense that you
failed. Wow, really riveting.

Buy buy buy.
Spend spend spend.The random rhyme scheme here is really counter-productive and just throws me out of the loop
You are nothing
without those trends.

Xanax dreams of plenty. I don't really understand this line. Xanax is for anxiety? ;/
Broken hearts encased
by white picket fences. lovely. I can really see this and relate to it.

You tell yourself this
isn't "what you wanted".
You just wanted to
be happy.


I think you should end with a thought provoking question of some sort. The ending- while clever - doesn't feel finished.
Don't worry about rhyming. Sometimes it can be beneficial but some of the best poems ever written (in my opinion of course) have no rhyme or set meter.
Good luck and keep writing!
-KatTrain
So, a dyslexic man walks into a bra....
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