darkness

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it come for you
the quick but moveless beast
like a hand grabing your soul
it pulls you to the other side
the darkness.
your world becomes nothing more then a empty void
with nothing but black walls and shadow watching your every move
you are traped like a mouse in a cage,
with no were to go
trap from the light
the golden light
which you shall never see again.




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Hello! I'm Jojo and i shall be your reviewer for today!
Here we go-
Grammar is in red.
Others are in blue.

It come? for you- that is grammatically incorrect. Try"came" or "it's coming"
the quick but moveless-motionless beast- "moveless" is not a word.( quick but motionless doesn't really add up... what are you trying to say?)
like a hand grabbing your soul,(comma)
it pulls you to the other side
(of)the darkness.
Your world becomes nothing more than a empty void,(comma)
with nothing but black walls and shadows watching your every move.(period)
You are trapped like a mouse in a cage,
with no were to go;(semicolon)
trapped from the light,(comma)
the golden light
which you shall never see again.- that's seems sort of incomplete, if you ask me. I think you should change it to "That you may..."


Now, with all of the edits...

It's coming for you
the quick but motionless beast
like a hand grabbing your soul,
it pulls you to the other side
of the darkness.
Your world becomes nothing more than a empty void,
with nothing but black walls and shadows watching your every move.
You are trapped like a mouse in a cage,
with no were to go;
trapped from the light,
the golden light
that you may never see again.



Overall:
I love the concept and story you have here, but the overall grammatical flaws are really distracting. You need to add more punctuations and try to do a spell check, because you missed a few simple letters.
Also, ensure that your use of tense is constant, and add more detail to keep the reader interested.
other than that, nice job!

Keep writing!
---------------------------
-Jojo
Solvalery/GeeLyria Fans
Link




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Gender Female
Points 5010
Reviews 133
It's coming for you --
the quick but moveless beast,
like a hand grabbing your soul
it pulls you to the other side
of the the darkness.
Your world becomes nothing more then an empty void
with nothing but black walls and shadows watching your every move.
You are trapped like a mouse in a cage,
with nowhereto go
trapped from the light--
the golden light
which you shall never see again.


I'm guessing that you're not a native speaker. If so, I should explain the corrections I've made.

First of all, I wrote "it's coming" because you are describing an action which takes place right now, as you write your poem/as others read them.

Then you have "other side the darkness", which needs a connector there to show what the relation between the words. I assume you wanted to write about the other side of the darkness.

After that, you have two verbs "grabbing" and "trapping". Well, you need a double letter there. In the case of the verbs ended in "p" and "b" the final letter gets doubled.

Well, and that kind of sums it up.
Julie, a sucker for romance, historical fashion, medieval fairs and blues music. Add photography and you already know me 50%. The rest of me you'll discover through my writings and my photos.

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