Lost Horse

There's a man out to get you
get me
underfoot
underheel
to heel
not toe the line
to kotow to him
and there's nothing
you
can do about it
except Rebel in
small ways
simple ways
petty ways
that He will never
care
to notice
to quell
to repress
to even suggest
the thought of eradication
but
the small things add up for want of a nail and
soon He has lost his hold
over you over
me over everyone and
noone has control over
anyone.

No Control
no control
nocontrol

noteven over yourself

Interesting poem. Because I've been analyzing a lot of George Herbert's poetry recently, and reading Melville through a religious lens, I found this poem to have significant religious overtones, possibly as a tirade against God. Of course, my interpretation could be severely off-base, with the meaning lying loosely within the category of "anti-authoritarian".

The writing style here -- the linguistics, aesthetics -- is not one I generally read in my off-time, much less write in. However, I am able to appreciate what you are trying to do here. For the most part, I would appreciate something with a little more lushness, metaphor, conflict at the level of the word. Though your approach here is valuable in diving meaning and suits the topic.

The main reason I believe that this poem concerns God, specifically a Christian God, is due to the capitalization of "He" in line 15. Perhaps this is "the man out to get you" -- a phrase which conjures up images of Santa Claus, Boogeyman, a wrathful God -- something on higher ground, mystical and extra-human. The man out to get us is striving to oppress, and demands a show of subservience (kotow). More evidence that a godlike figure is involved is that he will never "even suggest the thought of eradication", perhaps harking back to the promise given by God post-great flood, that he would never cleanse the world in such a way again. Besides, there is not much which humans like you and I can do to protest against the unseeable.

The other internally capitalized word is "Rebel", investing in it a sense of importance and significance. You also isolate the word "you" in line 9. You obviously want to draw attention to the individual, which you specifically address in the closing line. It is interesting that you choose to approach this subject so microscopically, as a figure like God is umbrella over nations, kindreds and tongues. Here is some of the strongest meaning. That God works on an individual basis, treasured differently or not at all from person to person, rebelled against not by entire populations, but in minds, in hearts, kept quietly. You reference nails, which is fascinating if you consider its religious imagery connected with the crucifixion. All the small rebellings lead up to a nail to crucify our diverse Lords.

However, you point out, once this crucifixion is accomplished, the illusion of cosmic control flees from the picture, and we are abandoned in space with no laws, and no control. If there is no higher control, control at a lesser inter and intra-human level is, at best, a farce. The dissolution of grammatical correctness parallels the physical de-evolution that occurs as consequence. You argue finally against revolutions against authority and godlike figures, because as a consequence, there is an unraveling that occurs within ourselves, as we realize that there is nothing upholding us and we fall.

After all, what is a horse without a master, a rider. A lost horse is nothing at all.

Eli

Hi Ky, you observed this and we talked about it. But I'll leave this here for you nonetheless because I added in some more thoughts.

There's a man out to get you
get me
underfoot
underheel
[to heel
not toe the line
to kotow<- This made me pause and say what? to him] - awkwardly phrased
and there's nothing
you
can do about it
except Rebel in
small ways
simple ways
petty ways
that He will neverfullstop
care
to noticefullstop
to quellfullstop
to repressfullstop
to even suggestfullstop Gahhhhhhh
the thought of eradication moar
but moar
the small things add up for want of a nail and
soon He has lost his hold
over you over
me over everyone and
noone has control over
anyone. Like this though.

[No Control
no control
nocontrol] --> Gimmicky

noteven over yourself <- nice ending, but still gimmick

Okay so, all in all I thought this was boring. Hard to read actually.
I understand your attempts to flow etc. But by the end of one line, I had to force myself down to the next and the next and the next.

I see the stop, I head towards it and turns out there was a trip wire on the way there. And several, every couple of strides.

But you know all this.

There is a religious connotation, whether you like it or not. I think it's kind of rammed in with the capitalization of "He" because it holds a whole lot of religious reference. I think it comes from the fact your idea is still in it's infancy here, you could really expand it here because you have a strong base. It's a good idea, just not nurtured out of it's infancy.
If you want to steer it out of the religious undertones, consider a second theme to come alongside this poem. A story of some sort to steer along your reader, because right now, their imagination is on the loose. Reign them in gently.

There's actually not much to say about this because there isn't much here. It's dull and generally, I don't think, communicates what you want it too. Though you've lost the verbose thing that you had going for a while, for which I'm glad. Definitely makes your poetry stronger, though it's not here for me to see because it's all bones, nothing to bite down on and enjoy.

Nurture this, it's got a great deal of potential, just needs a little more love and affection.

Kamas