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True Nirvana, Chapter 1

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At the time, so many things were going through Kaito Yc'Ana's head, but one thing that he is sure of, is that he was freezing.

Not just him, but the entire Northvale Mountains and the surrounding twenty mile radius. Kilometers, the surrounding twenty kilometers. Even though Kaito was in the army, he still had to constantly to remind himself to refer to the metric system when he spoke. He also had to remind himself that this isn't the Lethoc army that it used to be. No, it most definitely wasn't; the Lethoc army was destroyed when the aliens came, along with the other six nations that made up the counter-invasion force. This is now the Insurrection.

Insurrection was the wrong word, however, for this was already their home, they were just taking it back from the aliens.

That had seemed so long ago, when really, it had only been five years. Kaito and his fellow archers and rangers were fast asleep, when a runner, a young strider named Glehnt, burst into their barracks.

"Lieutenant Yc'Ana! Where is Lieutenant Yc'Ana?" The inexperienced strider shouted, waking all of the soldiers in the barracks.

"What's all the commotion, Strider?" Kaito said sleepily.

"Leto and Eala preserve us! Invaders! From the skies! Come look, sir!"

Kaito grabbed his cloak and crossbow, and followed the strider outside. It was pitch dark outside, but the aliens lit up the skies with their giant metallic bird. Kaito stared at it in amazement. The giant bird was easily 800 meters long, and had a large back end lined with large hexagonal shapes that had flames coming out the ends. In front of the hexagonal figures, was another large hexagon that reflected the light of the stars so perfectly, and was littered with small squares. In front of that, in the middle of the bird, was a slender midsection. The bird was complete with another large frontal section, that was shaped like a simple pillar. But at the front of that pillar, there was a dome, and a semi-hexagon on top of that. Underneath the large pillar were two arms that ran along the underside of it, as well as the back of the bird. But the one thing that was truly peculiar about the bird, is that it was lined with small cubes that had two cylinders poking out of them.

At first sight, Supreme commander Phage panicked, and so he sent the most skilled dragon riders skyward to combat the aliens. Two hundred dragon riders against a single metal bird--acceptable odds for someone as arrogant and stupid as Supreme commander Phage. That is, until the cubes with the cylinders jutting from them came to life and smite all but one of the dragon riders. 199 good men sent to their deaths, and the aliens' metallic beast still flew high.

After days of constant guerilla attacks and multiple firestorms from the bird, the aliens flew down to the ground in a smaller metallic hatchling, trying to communicate with the people of Lethoc. Which, they did.

Their understanding of the Elven language was limited, but when they spoke, they uttered a particular set of disturbing words: "We are the Romans of the human race. By order of Caesar Juliannus and the great laws of Jupiter, your planet of Criostra is hereby a space colony of the Novus Senatus Populusque Romanus."

After that, the aliens returned to their larger bird and then they...fled? Yes, that's how Kaito remembers it; first the humans left, then they returned three years later with an entire flock of metallic birds. But those birds were much, much larger than the first one.

On that day, Supreme commander Phage did not send any forces to combat the new threat. He was instead found in the watchtower of Castle Yerman Lethoc with an arrow through his skull--which was set in place by his crossbow.

Ironic, really, how the one person who said that he would never surrender, no matter how outnumbered he was, just one day...

Gave up.

And because he gave up, Marshall Law had receded, and so the royal family was given their power back. They met with the other nations of Criostra and formed a seven nation alliance to combat the invading aliens. Kaito was apart of that seven nation army, and so he remembers how easily it was crushed by the humans, and also how the humans tore apart the Elven system of government and imposed their own Marshall Law. Imperium sine fine is what they called it.

Under imperium sine fine, the humans had influence over the entire Northern Continent, along with a few small islands surrounding the Northern Continent. Elves were not allowed to speak out against anything that was considered "humane" (whatever that means), they were not allowed to own any sort of private land, they are not allowed to speak their native tongue--which is why all maps had it listed as "Northern Continent" rather than "N'Retron"-- they had to learn the ways of the humans, and the most important rule was that the humans are the masters of the universe, and Elves are just their slaves. Human learning facilities, towns, and factories were set up all over Northern Continent. Many fled to the southern parts of Criostra, and if they were desperate enough, to the other side of Criostra. All tales and rumors say that the other side of Criostra is where savages and demons were sent to when they were banished.

In the midst of all of this, the former seven nations of N'Retron formed an underground resistance movement. Kaito was one of the first to sign up for it, and because of his skill and experience, was immediately promoted to the rank of captain when he joined. The "Insurrection", as it is commonly referred to by the humans, had numbers well over 2,000 and growing...but that is compared to the humans advanced technology and numbers well over 12,000. You might as well be challenging a wild dragon and hoping to win just by staring it down.

The human presence wasn't all bad, however. Kaito, for one, liked the idea of learning about new cultures and languages, especially from off-worlders. He learned about the humans' home planet, Earth, their various languages, their various religions, and a little about their advanced technology. The language that these humans spoke is called "Latin", their religion consists of many deities--compared to only the two gods that the Elves worshiped--and the giant metallic birds are called "spaceships." Kaito could've gone on and on about the vague and mysterious humans, but for now the humans are his enemies.

Oh dear, it seems that in all of these recounted memories, Kaito had almost fallen asleep. The first thing that an archer learned, was to always be on guard. What was worse, is that he almost fell asleep in three decimeters of snow. Back to lookout duty, Kaito thought to himself.

He scanned the ever darkening forest for movement of any kind--humans, wolves, orcs. Kaito flung off his ghillie suit and was about to head back to camp, when something caught his eye. There was a heavy cranking noise, and two lights shone bright--it was a human patrol.

Kaito dropped back into the snow that he had concealed himself in and took out his crossbow. He loaded a fresh magazine on its top and pulled the string back. He steadied his breathing and took aim at the two lights. Out of the brush, a human all-terrain vehicle jumped out and nearly made Kaito reveal his position. Two humans got off of it--one male and one female. Kaito set his finger on the trigger, held his breath, and...

He stopped. Kaito set down his crossbow and instead took out his binoculars. He stared at the two for a moment, and realized that they were not soldiers, but instead civilians. All Insurrectionists were told to kill a human wherever and whenever, even if they bore no arms, but Kaito had never gotten to examine regular human activity this close before. The male dimmed the lights on the vehicle down, and, after looking both ways to make sure no one was watching, took up the female with an embrace.

She put her arms around his neck and then put her lips against his. Curious. Then the two fell into the snow laughing. Interesting. They then stared at the nighttime sky while laying on the ground. Then the male did something very, very interesting; he held the female's hand and said a set of words. She then said the same words back. Had they gone crazy? Why would you just lay in the freezing snow like that? Don't they know they could die?

Kaito took out a Latin dictionary and looked up the set of words they told each other. He found the words. The first one, te, meant "you", and the second one, amo, meant "I love". Kaito jumped when he finished declining the words; they were the human words of affection...

I love you

Kaito was very intrigued by this human nature, but his officers would have his rear end if he didn't report back to camp because he was studying humans. He drew a picture of the two and wrote down the words. He then picked up his crossbow and headed back into the snowy, dark woods.
Last edited by maverickjg1 on Sun Mar 13, 2011 4:03 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Megszakod a szivem...




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Hi! :) Welcome to YWS (even though I joined the same day you did :)). I'm glad to be your first reviewer! I just have a few comments to help you improve this a bit.
how easily it was crushed bu the humans

I'm guessing you mean "by"?
Elves were not allowed to speak out against anything that was considered "humane" (whatever that means), they were not allowed to own any sort of private land, they are not allowed to speak their native tongue--which is why all maps had it listed as "Northern Continent" rather than "N'Retron"-- they had to learn the ways of the humans, and the most important rule was that the humans are the masters of the universe, and Elves are just their slaves.

You switch back and forth between past and present tense a lot. Since you are talking about the past in this particular spot, I would talk only in past tense.
The language that these humans spoke is called "Latin", their religion consists of many deities--compared to only the two gods that the Elves worshiped--and the giant metallic birds are called "spaceships." Kaito could've gone on and on about the vague and mysterious humans, but for now the humans are his enemies.

Again, you switch between past and present tense.
Oh dear, it seems that in all of these recounted memories, Kaito had almost fallen asleep.

This doesn't make any sense. I see what you meant to do here, but considering that you're writing in third person then it just doesn't work. Consider revising.

Overall, I think you did a great job! Usually I don't like this kind of story but you did a very good job at capturing my attention. There are only a few things that you should remember to watch: the grammar/punctuation and past/present tense. I can't wait to read more! Hope this helped! :)
"Everything has beauty, just not everyone sees it." -Jen Meyers





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Hai!

First off, you need spacing between your paragraphs, otherwise all I see is a huge block of text with an unfriendly glare. Leave a line between each paragraph and each line of dialogue and it’s much easier on the eyes.

"Lieutenant Yc'Ana! Where is Lieutenant Yc'Ana?" The inexperienced strider shouted, waking all of the soldiers in the barracks.


That should be a small “t”. If you have a tag with dialogue (a “he said” or “she said” or “they shouted” or whatever), then you end it with a comma and begin the tag with a small letter. Also, personally, I dislike fantasy stories where the names have loads of apostrophes and consonants close together. It's gimmicky.

I have to say, I did find this very info-dumpy. It was basically all back-story, and do we need to know all that all at once? All I really felt I needed to know was that there was a war between Elves and Romans (which is an awesomely cool idea, btw); I kind of skim-read the bit about alliances and stuff. So I don’t think you need as much of the back-story as you have here. If it’s absolutely vital to the understanding of the story, then drop the info in gradually, gently. Like leaves on a pile, gently and softly falling until we have a heap of understanding, not dropping a twenty ton weight on the head of Francis X. Bushlad.

I didn’t get a very good feel of the character either. Kaito (is there a reason for him having a Japanese name?) was basically just having a huge flashback so we got some facts about the story, which was kind of awkward. There were very few actual emotions and after reading this, I’m not sure that I could give a very good impression of his character because this chapter showed very little about him. Personally, I always like to get a feel for the character fairly early on, but it is only the first chapter, so there’s room for development later. ^_^

The idea itself is seriously froody. I mean, froody. :D Romans in a fantasy = seriously cool. Having Elves on a planet = groovy. Romans with spaceships (come on, how amazing is that?!) with Elves on a planet in a fantasy = one seriously fantastic premise for a story. Like, totally, dude.

Anyway, lol, I really heart the idea, and the bit with the humans in the snow. The fact that Kaito has to look up the words for “I love you” in his dictionary is a nice stroke, and it suggests that he’s out of touch with emotions, and that Elven society is very different to human, which I like. If that’s the case, I’d be interested in seeing how that develops.

PM me if you have any questions!

~twit


Oh yes, and as the previous reviewer said, you skip tenses quite a bit, which is distracting.
"TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this. We have you." -Abed Nadir



A wizard is never late. Nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
— Gandalf