Fear is Coming

Something dangerous is coming,
something mysterious.
Older than DaVinci,
older than Shakespeare.

Under the water,
cold and dark,
a faint rumbling noise,
as a plane flies by.

Sleeping, desiring, sleeping,
a red rose withers,
a black hydrangea dies.
A depressed child cries.

A visit to Japan,
the sight of a bird,
the sight of a fish,
my soul cries out.

Friends, my brother,
my family,
my heart cries,
my heart dies.

The fear of losing,
those I love most,
takes my heart and soul,
and confuses them.

Milaita wrote:Something dangerous is coming,
something mysterious. Meh.
Older than DaVinci,
older than Shakespeare. These last two lines neither flow well nor develop the feeling any further. Rework these entirely.

Under the water,
cold and dark,
a faint rumbling noise,
as a plane flies by.

Sleeping, desiring, sleeping,
a red rose withers, Cliched.
a black hydrangea dies.
A depressed child cries. Last two don't flow well.

A visit to Japan,
the sight of a bird,
the sight of a fish, Nah. This sounds out of place.
my soul cries out.

Friends, my brother, Change this to "my friends, brothers."
my family,
my heart cries,
my heart dies. Change this to "and dies."

The fear of losing, No comma needed.
those I love most,
takes my heart soul, Heart soul? Huh?
and confuses them.

Hope this helped a bit.

-Kafka

beautiful!!!
perhaps you should change fish into something else yeah
and I didn't really get the 'heart soul' thing either but other than that:
I absolutely love it! great write

Oops, I guess I forgot a word. :/