Thank You

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You opened my eyes,
to bright daytime filtering through the murky water.
It took my eyes a moment to adjust,
precious time wasted on empty things.
When my eyes adjusted they saw wonderous things,
not the barren wasteland I saw in my dreams.
My eyes still burning from the shocking brilliance of your beauty,
they saw the lush forests of another world.
I wanted more,
and you told me no.
I ignored you,
and sought my foolish wish.

My failure was my own,
and not your fault.
I kept trying,
and trying,
and trying.
I was wrong,
and never could suceed,
nor would you let me.

I began to learn from my mistakes,
and my knowledge grew.
It wasn't enough to save me,
from the terrible words you could hold in no more.
I kept to myself,
after that self-consuming accident.

I began to know what life was like,
and I prepared myself for the worst.
Thank God for the protection I had,
for the walls I had let myself build.
My walls came tumbling down,
the life I had created gone.

My walls were rebuilt soon,
but they were not made of stone.
They were made of glass,
open, and bright.
I became a happier person,
and for that I thank you.


-thestorygirl :twisted:
Nella vita vi è la distruzione, desolazione nella morte, ma c'è speranza nella rivoluzione.




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I liked it, i could relate to it well, where at the time you don't like a person, then you realize later that they were trying to help you.
I will say though, you could change one of the ending words for these 2 lines

thestorygirl wrote:precious time wasted on empty things.
When my eyes adjusted they saw wonderous things,


You use the word thing twice, it doesn't sound quite right to me, but hey, that's just me.

but other wise, nicely done.
" I am a greaser. I am a JD and a hood. I blacken the name of our fair city. I beat up people. I rob gas stations. I am a menace to society. Man, do I have fun!" - Sodapop, The Outsiders




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Wow.. this poem is so beautiful! It tells the story really well, and doesn't go overboard on imagery or description like some poems tend to do. You kept it at a good length and it flowed well.

Two points that I thought you could improve on.
Firstly, I agree with JRaye about using the word 'thing' twice in two lines, it doesn't quite work but I think it's up to you as to whether you change it or not.
Also, I think that on the line
My eyes still burning from the shocking brilliance of your beauty,
they saw the lush forests of another world.

I think that it would work better if you put: 'My eyes, still burning...' but I admit that I tend to go overboard on commas so it's up to you if you want to leave it or not.

I found this poem an absolute joy to read and really loved it; well done on a fab poem! :)

~strawberrypop13
there's footprints on the moon... so don't tell me the sky's the limit



I think Amelia Earhart wants you to get some ice cream.
— SilverNight