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...

I loved it. I feel deep sympathy for the "character" of this other poem. I loved it.

Hi, Kaitlin.

There're a number of reasons why this doesn't work. First off, this is incredibly meandering. I read the first two stanzas, and then I know exactly what the next three are going to say. You repeat the same idea (I love you but I'm ready to move on) over and over and over again, so much that I really don't find the body of this poem at all interesting. Maybe if you actually took the time to support your ramblings with some imagery or more powerful phrasing, it'd come together. But as of now, this could use some major improvements.

Secondly, this whole poem, save the very last part, has a irritatingly detached feeling to it. I can't feel what the narrator is saying. That's because, nearly throughout this entire piece, you have no remorse, like you're trying to comfort this entity but evasively refraining from actually showing the reader your feelings. I'll elucidate more on that matter later, while I'm giving you some more fine-tuned critiques.

i could write love poems all day long
(in fact, i do—i've doodled them into the margins of my
notebooks and sketched their bones during chemistry lectures)
but darling, you have to understand those poems
are not for you.

You've got some interesting and somewhat original ideas here, at least for a love poem, but the way you say them is nothing short of cliched. First line - you get me intrigued with the poetry idea, but then you estrange me with the cheesy "all day long" thing. Second line - "doodled" doesn't work. Third and fourth line...don't fit together. Grammatically, they do, but as far as poetry, the parentheses are lethal flow-breakers. And the last line is too straightforward. Too obvious. Already, I'm beginning to be annoyed by your inability to break from the string of cliched love poem platitudes. And there's much more to come. This is not the best way to start out a poem.

i need you to understand that your seaglass eyes
don’t caress me the way the other boys’ do;
don’t you see that your hands are altogether too
sweet and hesitant? do you know that your kisses
never make me tremble?

This stanza fell like a brick. For a number of reasons. First off, there's your wording. I've seen some poems - in fact, quite a number of poems - that attempt to baffle the reader with esoteric phrasing and jargon, but this doesn't do that. In fact, it annoys me for just the opposite reason: it's too simplistic. You've got, again, some intriguing ideas, but the way you put them into words is most unsophisticated and boring. And then there's your flow. Well, more like your lack of flow. You're kind of missing it. When you've got numerous questions and/or statements, like you have here - all of which do not flow into each other (again, like what you have here) - it will never sound good. Not unless you have a line break separating each question/statement. But that won't get you far. I have a feeling you didn't want to go there; I wouldn't, either. Not the most creative of ways to do things. Try to tweak this so that your emotional birdy won't hit water hazard with the flow of your ideas. I want to know what you're feeling, but only in a way that actually sounds somewhat decent.

but remember: it’s you i spend sunday mornings with,
when the sun is making hollows of my eyes and
skeletons of my cheeks, and it’s your words that are
sparking their way through me late at night
when the other boys are fast asleep, heavy on my chest.

...Nowww you're irritating me. You're inundating me with expansions on ideas that don't need expansion on. Or at least, not in this way. Not in this emotionally perfunctory way. This is the bug behind your apparent poetic wanders: the disengaged fashion you in which try to express your feelings. But it doesn't work. You say that you spend Sunday mornings with this mystery person, but what does this mean to you? In other poetry, emotion is not as important; but in love poetry such as this, it is absolutely necessary that you disclose your sentimental opinion, so that the reader can at least feel some sympathy and/or understanding.

you said you wanted me to tell the truth, but
i always tell the truth. it’s just that my truth is all clichéd
(i don’t love you but
i need you)
and you never believe me anyway.

Believe it or not, I like this stanza. You're finally telling us your emotions. Oh, wait. Scratch that first sentence. I do like it - all except for the last line. It 1) doesn't flow, 2) sounds unfinished, and 3) doesn't fit. Again, your parentheses are killing you. They interrupt the idea you're developing - which would be fine, except that you try to continue with that idea after the parentheses. This doesn't work. It makes your reader have to stop and try to figure out what you're talking about, which immediately annihilates any tenuous feeling you had developed thus far. Parentheses can be dangerous in poetry. Be careful with them. But now I'm rambling - which, ironically, is exactly what I've been criticizing you about. Anyway. This stanza should have been much earlier. By the time I reached this point during the first time I read the poem, I was already so bored by the preceding stanzas that the emotional impact this should have had on me had absolutely no effect. You're either going to have to relocate this and make some changes here and there so that it actually works, or modify the earlier stanzas so that they're more emotional.

so i’ll say: my truth is burning-bright at my fingertips,
and it sears black scars onto your chest as i drag my hands
across your heart, so i’ll tell you a lie. i’ll tell you
i hate that i’m your crown of thorns, the cross slung splintered
across your back.

While everything preceding this was halted and chained down, this actually worked. Emotion-wise, that is. Seems like you've figured out that the only way you'll get your feelings across is by bleeding them all out onto the paper (or, in this case, keyboard). Took you long enough. But, while I did enjoy the sentiment in this, there are a few things I think would be wise to change. Firstly, the hyphen between "burning" and "bright" is unneeded. Then, in the second line, the word "black" flows very badly with the rest of the line. In the third line, you used "so" a second time in the stanza (normally repetition of small words like that don't make too much of a difference. But the word "so" has a meaning more fine-tuned and unique: it is the connector of a first clause with a second clause that serves as an acknowledgement or response to the first clause. No other word can perform this task, or any task relatively near its own. It is more noticeable in this way.). And in the fourth line, the wording is really strange near the beginning.

i hate the way you’re twisting your mouth, darling;
i hate the way my name is bleeding from your lips.
i’ll tell you that i’d change if i could; i’d become a
saint for you. please stop looking at me like that—
i cannot stand your broken heart.

And you're back to holding back your emotions and trying to be cute and tentative with them. Do you know how annoying that's getting? You're trying too hard to make this good. Much too hard. Why else would you throw in unnecessary words like "darling" at the end of a clause? Perhaps you're trying to use it as some sort of connector, without considering that you could modify the following lines instead of ruining the first to make the second line flow more smoothly. I'm guessing that's the reason you inserted it - so that there'd be a cushion to ease the previous haltedness of line one and two. But you're going to need more than that. Single additional words alone don't tend to make a stanza sound better. I do, by the way, like the last line. But other than that, you're going to have to fix up the bluntness of the rest of the stanza.

just stay here tonight, and i’ll light you a cigarette
(my dear, my dear, i’ll paint you smoky pictures and trace
rivulets of poison through the air)
and we can sit and talk. you can say more of your sparking words
and i will tell you that i cannot live without you.

But you keep at it. You continue to be brusque and halted in your phrasing. It's obvious that you were aiming for some sort of emotion with this, but, once again, your inability to open up your heart to the reader leaves me feeling alienated and irked. Line one - "cigarette" flows badly. Line two - I had to actually stop and think about why you would be under the impression that reiterating "my dear" would somehow make the poem better. Was it because you thought repetition would strengthen your point of still loving the person? Yes, I believe that's it. Unfortunately, it was in vain. Moving on to line three - I'd get rid of "the." Line four - what's up with "sparking?" It sounds odd here. And line five needs complete reworkage. Now you're telling me that this whole thing was fake? What? If this isn't what you were going for, it's certainly how I interpreted it. Say what you're trying to say in a different way.

it’s a lie, i suppose. but i also suppose you are
too pure for the truth.

Nice ending. I don't have any nitpicks.

Well, I hope this helped. Keep writing.

-Kafka

Okay I thought this was really beautiful and truthful, sorry for my pathetic attempt to gain a review but I did not see any nit picks that bothered me in this poem, yes it wasn't perfect but I'm all about not being perfect. The previous reviewer seemed a bit harsh in my opinion but that's just a comment.
The idea of this poem is clear and simple yet no matter how many times I read poems with the subject of not loving someone anymore I'm never tired of them. I liked this piece especially because because it is written so raw like and filled with blinding emotion, thank you so much for posting and I will look at more of your work!
P.S- Harsh reviewers/reviews scare me don't know if it's the same for you but I just always imagine them yelling at me
Peace,
SnickerDooly