Schraii

Spoiler

I will pull up a link for the contest later. I have no chance, but I wanted to show that I can figure out what that song means. And yea, i don't really like this.

"Caitlyn! What are you doing?" A shrill voice barks. I turn behind me abruptly to see Spencer, my brother- big, but wiry. Strong beyond comprehension, as well. And... the one who tells me what to do.

"Nothing." I reply, running my fingers through my hair one last time.

"Well, we're going out to a bar." He demands, as if he were my master. He strode past the vanity, and the bed. He never liked my tan, open, airy bedroom.

"... okay." I replied, getting up and grabbing a purse- 75% chance I was paying, unless he got so drunk he decided to. I turned my shoulder-length auburn hair behind my ears as I follow, glancing back to see the blue-eyed girl in the mirror once more before turning my back to her.

&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&

The bar was packed with burly men and drunk women. Prostitutes, no doubt. And maybe pimp daddy or something.

"What can I get you, sweets?" A flirtatious bartender asked. He was burly and ugly, not to mention ten years older than me,

My heart kicked. Someone was asking me something!

I glanced worriedly at Spencer. "She'll have water." He hissed, before turning to me. "You're too young to drink. You'd better not think you want it, either." I was 22- easily old enough. But... I had no choice, as I sipped my cup of water.

&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*

"Thanks for paying, Caitlyn." My drunk brother acknowledged as I drove back home. "It was really... nice. Do you want to get ice cream or something?"

My brother, who always pushed me around, was asking me a question!

No,no,no,no,NO! I yelled in my head. I never had an opinion- I didn't want one now. Why was he asking me?

"Oh, right. You have the brain capacity of a toaster."

"Yeah." I lied. How was it I could drive if I had the brain capacity of an electrical appliance?

"Are we here yet?" He asked. If this were a cartoon, he would have the little spiral over his head to imply that he was dizzy.

"Not much longer." I replied as I turned onto the street, Peacock Place, yawning. The car clock read about 10:40.

Our poor, dilapidated olive green minivan turned into our driveway. If out parents weren't millionaires, we would never be able to have out own house. Even one as bad as ours.

It seemed, as my brother waddled from the car, that he would hate me in the morning.

I got out slowly as well. Unlike my brother, though, one thought ran through my mind- Will I ever get my opinion
told?

"Hey, Kait... you know you can speak up about... whatever you want?" He said, swaying as he unlocked the door.

I waited patiently for his snide remark about how stupid I was. It didn't come.

"Sure." I replied.

"I'm being... serious!" He yelped. "If you don't take me... seriously... I'll move out." He said.

"No, no. I take you seriously, I promise." I replied.

"Good." He replied.

He went as still as a stone.

"What am I... saying? You are a stupid... brute. You don't deserve... an opinion." He replied.

"That's what I thought." I mumbled.

"What?" He asked drunkenly.

"Oh, nothing." I retorted.


P.S-

Spoiler

'You have the brain capacity of a toaster' quote is trademarked by Skins.

Hey, just a quick review
Firstly, it seems like I've said this a lot today, but the piece is just a little to short and also seems totally out of place in the fantasy section. Anyway this means that there is just not that much to say.

my brother- big, but wiry
not right

I turned my shoulder-length auburn hair behind my ears as I follow.
maybe tucked instead just seems wrong

But... I had no choice, as I sipped my cup of water.
should be I had no choice so I sipped my water

Any way there are more issues with grammar but I don't think we should focus on them, tiresome for me and you. Generally I would say you need more description, what does the bar look like. What are the eyes of the barman like, cunning? kind? wide and innocent? or more likely small round eyes hidden in the skull of a man making money out of getting young people dangerously drunk. Generally I'd say you need more character and to flesh out the story. Remember we can't see whats happening, we only know what you tell us, as some one once told me you don't need to tell us everything we can't know, but you can tell us anything. You paint the picture we just sit back admire and then critique it
PM me with any questions
Quibbons

MilkNCookies wrote:[spoiler]"Caitlyn! What are you doing?" A shrill voice barks Sounds weird. I'd get rid of "shrill." . I turn behind me abruptly to see Spencer, my brother[- big, but wiry. Strong beyond comprehension, as well. And the one who tells me what to do.] Rework this whole last part. Also, the "strong beyond comprehension" part is way too much of an exaggeration.

"Nothing," I reply, running my fingers through my hair one last time.

"Well, we're going out to a bar," he demands I don't see how that's a demand. Sounds more like a statement to me. , as if he were my master Again. Don't see how it's a demand. . He strides past the vanity, and the bed Rework this. . He never liked my tan, open bedroom. "Open?" How does that work?

"... Okay," I reply, getting up. I turn Not the right word.my shoulder-length auburn hair behind my ears as I follow.

&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&

The bar was packed with burly men and drunk women. Prostitutes, no doubt. And maybe pimp daddy or something.

"What can I get you, sweets?" a flirtatious You can't say he's flirtatious if you've only heard him say one thing. bartender asked.

My heart kicked. Someone was asking me something!

I glanced worriedly at Spencer. "She'll have water," he hissed, before turning to me. "You're too young to drink. You'd better not think you want it, either." I was 22- easily old enough. But... I had no choice, as I sipped my cup of water.

&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*

"Thanks for paying, Caitlyn," my drunk brother acknowledged Not the right word. as I drove back home Not really in character. . "It was really nice. Do you want to get ice cream or something?"

My brother, who always pushed me around, was asking me a question!

No,no,no,no,NO! I yelled in my head. I never had an opinion- I didn't want one now.

"Oh, right. You have the brain capacity of a toaster." Meh.

"Yeah," I lied said. How was it I could drive if I had the brain capacity of an electrical appliance?

"Are we here yet?" he asked. If this were a cortoon, he would have the little spiral over his head to imply that he was dizzy.

"Not much longer," I replied, as I turned onto the street, Peacock Place, yawning. You never even said that she was driving. This caught me off-balance. The car clock read about 10:40.

Our poor, dilapidated olive green Too many adjectives. minivan turned into our driveway. If outour parents weren't millionaires, we would never be able to have outour own house.

It seemed, as my brother waddled from the car, that he would hate me in the morning.

I got out slowly as well. Unlike my brother, though, one thought ran through me mind- Will I ever get my opinion
told Not the right word. ?

Okay! Good luck with the contest!

-Kafka

Hi! I'm entering this contest as well, and just for fun I thought I'd review all the other entries so I know what I'm up against. ^_^

Firstly, I'm assuming this story was based on this song? I'd like to see the lyrics for that song, to see where you got your inspiration, but I can't find them anywhere. Oh well. I have listened to it, and I think I understand what you're going for mood-wise.

I think the setup you have here is full of potential. The characters of the girl and her brother, and the tension between them, are really interesting. I'm intrigued by the way they communicate and the way they interact. But I really want to know more about them--why does he lord over her like that? Why does she allow him to? Why doesn't she put up a fight? I think if you really let us know the thoughts and emotions of the characters, this piece would be a lot stronger. Fleshing out the piece would also make it longer which, in my opinion, would be a plus because it's hard to review something so short.

I feel like nothing really happens in this piece. It's more like the "plot" is just there to expose the characters. That's fine, I'm all for flash-fiction that's more of a character sketch than a short story... but if you're going to do that, you have to commit to it. You have to actually do your best to sketch your characters. The way this is written feels like you're putting plot above characters, but because there isn't really much plot I think you probably are trying to do the opposite.

There are a lot of typos and odd wordings and such. Kafka and Quibbons seem to have pointed out most of them, so I'm not going to dwell on that, but I do suggest you read this out loud or have someone read it out loud to you. Doing that usually helps me find all the stumbling blocks and awkward parts.

Also, I'm not exactly sure why this is in Fantasy. I might be missing something (I probably am) but it seems completely realistic to me. Would you like me to move it to the General Fiction section for you? Just let me know, okay?

I hope this review helps! PM me or write on my wall if you've got questions or anything. And, even though I probably shouldn't be saying this... good luck with the contest! ^_^

a

P.S. I added a 12+ rating to this, because of some of the subject matter. Feel free to contact me about this if you want to!

Mmmmm, alright, alright, I can see the connection here. When I posted that song, I intended for people to write a story that follows the same tonal/emotional pattern as the song does. Although DVAR doesn't really have lyrics (well, they do, but they're supposedly in a mix of several dead languages, so it takes multiple professors to figure out even one line), their vocalist is awfully good at expressing emotion through his voice. So as far as I understood, the emotion went something like this: the vocalist quietly rants about something in a ballad-like way, until it gets to the point that it all boils over and he starts screaming. I can see traces of this in your story.

Caitlyn lives in oppression from her brother. She does have opinions about this kind of life, but she keeps them quiet and to herself. After a night out at the bars, her brother asks her to really speak her mind (which WOULD be an out-of-character moment for him, but he's drunk, so this gets a pass - and, in fact, might reveal certain hidden depths about his relationship with his sister). At this point, we get oh-so-close to the point where Caitlyn can rant her pretty head off with everything she's ever wanted to say to this brute, but... she doesn't. And here the emotional path diverges from the source song. But that's fine, since I said that the ending may be changed.

Overall, although this is not very polished, it's filled to the brim with potential. So much potential, in fact, I highly suggest you expand this into a full story. Great job! The contest results will be announced tomorrow.

Relevance to the source material: visible. I went over the details in the rest of the review.

No discernible lyrics in the song.

Your judge,
cC