Little Macey (1)

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A/N: Hi everyone! So, here's the first chapter. I've also made a group, Little Macey for people who like groups... (:
Thank you in advance for any reviews! Especially mean ones. You're all stars.


1. Duty Calls

Brr, brr, brr. Brr, brr, brr.

David woke to the harsh buzzing of his mobile phone as it vibrated on the bedside table. Curled up beside him, his wife, Claire, began to stir. David blinked blearily, trying to make out the shape of the bedside table in the dark grey light.

Brr, brr, brr. Brr, brr, brr.

Claire was awake now. He heard her groan and pull the warm covers away from him so she could bury her head underneath them. Forcing himself into a sitting position, he reached out to grope for his phone.

“David Lawson,” he croaked into his mobile once he’d found it.

“Morning beautiful.” David scowled at the sound of Greg’s chirpy voice. He cast a glance at the glowing numbers on his alarm clock.

3:35 A.M.

He didn’t even try to hide his irritation as he growled into the phone, “Don’t you know what time it is?”

“Time you got down to the office,” Greg replied smoothly. “I can already promise you one hell of a case.”

“Can’t it wait until a more reasonable hour?” he asked as he saw Claire throw the covers away from her face. She lifted herself up onto one arm and glared at him. Even though it was too dark to see her clearly, he knew her eyes were burning with annoyance.

“It’s a big case, Dave. You’d really regret leaving this one for even a second.”

He lifted a hand and rubbed his face, trying to wake himself up a little. Finally, with a sigh, he said, “I’ll be there in twenty minutes.” As he felt Claire force herself into a sitting position, he added, “And this had better be good, Greg.”

“It will be,” Greg promised as David punched the disconnect button.

“You’re going?” Claire said. He could sense her frowning at him in the dark. “It’s half three in the morning.”

With another sigh, he reached for the lamp and clicked it on. Claire was awake enough now that she wouldn’t mind the harsh light stinging her eyes. If he’d done that while she was trying to get back to sleep, he would’ve got a pillow slammed into his face.

“I don’t know why you hire Greg when he can’t even manage on his own.” She was staring at him, eyebrows raised incredulously. Her dark blonde hair was wild and clumps stuck out in odd angles. Purple shadows stretched under her eyes and the creases of her pillow were etched across her cheek.

He stifled a yawn as he forced himself to clamber out of his bed. Immediately goosebumps sprung up as the cold air blew across his bare skin. He crossed over to the wardrobe and began to pull out some clothes. Finally, he replied, “Greg’s good at it. He’s open-minded and a fast learner. That’s all he needs to be for this job.”

“He needs to know when your actual working hours are. You don’t start until nine. Nine. Like most working people.” She tugged the duvet back over herself and added bitterly, “I wish you were actually home for once.”

David’s only response was the sudden tightening of his lips. He finished dressing and walked out of the room, heading for the study to collect his documents for work, without even trying to argue with her. Unsaid words swirled around in the bedroom, and the cold that grew in the air was no longer caused by the chill of a January morning.

* * *

...No leads in the case of six-year-old Hannah Morgan, now missing for eight days. So far the police have made no arrests and have confirmed that they are now treating this as a murder investigation. With us now is-

David turned off his car, letting the crackling radio fade to silence. For a moment he just sat there, listening to the clicking of the car’s engine as it cooled off. He turned his head to stare out of the driver’s window at the three-story building across the road. The greenish yellow glow from a streetlight illuminated the white sign bolted to the front gate.

Holloway House.

David heaved a sigh and tilted his head back to lean against the headrest. He lifted a hand to his chin and read the graffiti sprawled underneath the black letters.

Home of the Ghostbusters.

“Little buggers,” he muttered under his breath.

* * *

Their office was located on the third floor. Since the lift looked as though it couldn’t even support the weight of a scrawny rat, David took the stairs every time. By the time he reached his and Greg’s office, the pungent smell of urine lingered in his nostrils and his legs shook from the effort of climbing the stairs. He paused outside the office, allowing himself a moment or two to catch his breath and compose himself.

Greg looked up from his ancient computer as David strode into the room. Twenty-two going on seventeen, Greg brought a tireless energy and enthusiasm to the job. In the darkest cases it was his humour and determined cheeriness which kept David from grabbing his car keys and driving as far as possible from the everlasting night of his life.

Greg flashed his trademark grin, showing so many teeth he looked like he was practising for a toothpaste ad. “Yo.” He wheeled his chair over to where David was standing, crossing the small, cluttered room in seconds. “Hope I didn’t disturb any sweet dreams you were having.”

“No, I slept like a log.” As he set his briefcase down on his desk, David searched for any documents Greg might be holding or any that lay open on his desk. It seemed every folder from all the cases they’d ever taken lay scattered on Greg’s desk; David couldn’t see if he was compiling a new one or not. “So, what case did you want to talk about? I hope you didn’t mean the graffiti outside.”

That familiar grin broke out on Greg’s face again. “You saw that?”

“It was hard to miss.”

“Ha. Whoever it was sure is a funny one. That’s probably the wittiest we’ve ever had.”

“God help us,” David added under his breath. He checked his watch. “I’m still not due to wake up for another four hours. Why did you call?”

Greg’s grin grew and he pushed his chair back across the room to his desk. David marvelled at his energy when the sun wasn’t even due to rise for hours yet. Greg pushed a bunch of papers off a blue folder. They slid off the desk and to the floor.

“I’ll pick ‘em up in a moment!” he reassured David without pausing his frantic search.

Moments later he turned and wheeled back to David, clutching the blue folder. “You are going to love this.” Greg chuckled as he handed it to him. David took it and checked the name on the front.

Hannah Morgan.

He frowned, sure that it sounded familiar.

“When I rung you, I’d just gotten off the phone to the mother. Hannah Morgan is the missing six-year-old on the news,” Greg explained. “You know, the high profile case? Did you hear they think she’s dead?” David opened his mouth to reply, but Greg cut across him. “Anyway, Mrs. Morgan wants us to see if we can dig up anything more.”

“Hannah Morgan… The girl missing for eight days?” David thought of the new-bulletin on the radio not ten minutes ago and felt a chill of dread roll through him.

Greg beamed at him, not seeing the spark of anxiety in David’s eyes. “You see? You have heard of her! Mrs. Morgan wants to see you as soon as possible, but I thought you might want to research it a little more? I told her I’d let you know and ring her back when you’d decided if you wanted to take the case or not.” Greg tilted his head to one side as he looked up at David. “What do you think?”

David opened his mouth, searching for the right words. His stomach churned as though he’d just swallowed a bucket load of snakes. “I, ah… fail to see how a missing person case could require our services…”

“Well, that voodoo stuff you practise might come in handy.”

“For the hundredth time, it’s-”

“I know, I know. It’s not voodoo. Sorry.”

David glanced down at the folder in his hands. He opened it and a picture dropped to the floor. As he bent to pick it up, he saw it was a photograph of a small, smiling girl. She was squinting in the bright sunlight, one hand pushing her blonde hair from her face as she looked up at the camera. A dusting of brown freckles covered her nose and cheeks, and around her neck hung an askew necklace with the letter ‘H’ dangling from it.

‘H’ for Hannah.

“You could just talk to her parents,” Greg suggested gently. “Give them some hope.”

“So it can be taken away from them?” he forced himself to look away from the picture.

Greg’s scowl looked strange on his face; David wasn’t used to seeing him frown. “Is there something wrong? Something you’re not telling me?”

“It’s an important case,” David hedged.

“You don’t sound interested at all.”

“It’s just that… I… Well…”

Greg narrowed his eyes, but his voice was light as he said, “Don’t tell me you suffer from stage-fright. The paparazzi won’t hound you as much as you think.”

David sighed and turned away. He ran a hand through his hair, feeling sluggish and tired. “This is the first case you’ve brought to my attention that has so much…” He struggled for the right word.

“Publicity?” Greg suggested.

“Expectation.” David looked down at the photo he was holding. “This isn’t an old woman refusing to leave her house after she has died. This isn’t a mad man saying his neighbour has sent evil spirits to hound him. This is a little girl… missing… maybe even dead. There’s nothing supernatural about this case. There’s only a desperate mother searching for someone who can bring her daughter back.”

Greg didn’t say anything for a second, but then he smirked. “That’s what you think. You should hear what Mrs. Morgan thinks happened to her daughter.”

David locked his eyes on Greg. Taking the bait, he said, “Go on.”

“Mrs. Morgan tucked her daughter up for bed at half seven. Before she goes to bed too, she locks all the doors and windows. She said something about being robbed last year.” Greg shrugged dismissively. “In the middle of the night, she and Mr. Morgan are woken up by Hannah’s screams. When they barge into her room, there’s nothing left but her crumpled bedspread. Mrs. Morgan told me that, afterward, they checked all the windows and doors – they were still locked.” Greg lifted his chin and met David’s eye. “Hannah had just vanished into thin air.”
Your = Possession. Your shoes are so sweet!
You're = Omission. You're quite strange...

If you are confused about which to put, simply say in your mind "you are" and see if that fits the sentence. If not, you are looking for your.

Little Macey | Got YWS? | KOTS:BD




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Emmmmmmmmaaaaaaaaa Tis me, your friendly neighbourhood stalker.

I am so glad to be first again (coughs), seriously.

I wasn't sure where you were going to take this story. I mean, it was only meant as a short piece originally, right? Well, you've expanded it and so far I think it's fantastic!

I was wondering what kind of job David had. I loved the tension between them and the cold air in the house having nothing to do with the month. Brilliant. You didn't have to tell us they were tense, fighting, that she disapproved. You showed it.

I have no nitpicks, I love how you didn't tell us what David did: you showed us. I'm really impressed with this so far. I love the detailing and the description and how very vivid the characters were.

Sorry I have no other nitpicks, very sorry I can't be mean about it either. Beautiful work, my friend.

Keep working that keyboard!

Tanya




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Oh boy, this is getting better. I do hope you will keep writing this. This has suspense like I've never seen before. I cannot wait to see what you decide to write next. Keep goin', it's good. :)
“There is a tide in the affairs of men, Which taken at the flood, leads on to fortune. Omitted, all the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and in miseries. On such a full sea are we now afloat. And we must take the current when it serves, or lose our ventures.”- William Shakespeare




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Lots of tension here. You've started this off like many detective stories (which I'm guessing this is going to be) - couple people discussing the details of the case, setting the scene. However, the issue I had with this is that the two men seem to be making small talk - or, at least, relatively small talk - without getting to the actual details until the end. Since Greg was so urgent about the whole thing, I'd expect him to get right to the details, and then go into how David's all scared and that stuff.

Well, I hope this was helpful!

-Kafka
#TNT

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Very good! I like the way that you don't necessarily have to tell the readers what's going on; you're just showing us. :) You're also very good at adding suspense but not making it overbearing and completely forced. A very nice job, indeed! :) Keep writing!
"Everything has beauty, just not everyone sees it." -Jen Meyers





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Hi! Thanks for the request.

I'm not going to do a bunch of nit-picks, because I see that you're at war with typos... and... well, you seem to be winning. ^_~ There aren't really many mistakes, and for the most part your writing flows really well and is easy to read. There is one mistake that I noticed, though:
"Ha. Whoever it was sure is a funny one. That’s probably the wittiest we’ve ever had."
Shouldn't that be "Whoever did it was sure a funny one?"

All in all, I don't really have much to say about this, because there isn't really much here. From what I can see so far, though, your characters are well-defined and well-fleshed-out. I can tell you've put thought into designing them and you've done an excellent job of portraying them in a way that is clear and vivid, but not in the least bit caricatured or cartoon-ish. You've also done a great job of pulling me in and making me want to read more. I like that you're starting the novel by just diving right into the action, and then you're going to give your readers more information as the novel goes on, rather than flooding us with information in the first chapter. This makes me eager to know things, like what David's work is, exactly, and how he is going to deal with Hannah's case. It's intriguing and makes me want to read on. Good job!

Like I say, it's hard to really criticize this because not all that much has happened yet. It feels more like an intro than anything else. But there are a few things I'd like you to look at. Firstly, as soon as I read what he was listening to on the radio, I thought to myself "I bet that's what the 'case' is." I was, of course, right. I wasn't at all surprised when Greg told David why he'd called him. In fact, I was a little frustrated by how long it took David to figure it out since, because of the way you wrote it, it was a lot more obvious to the reader than it was to David. I think this is something you need to watch out for in a detective-type story. I'm assuming you want David to be pretty smart, right? Pretty quick and good at his job? Yes? Well, he should be better at his job that the readers are. Things that he figures out shouldn't be things that we've known for a long time. Personally, I always find it really annoying when it takes the characters half a novel to figure out something I knew after the first chapter.

It's not that bad in this chapter, but I do suggest you watch out for it in the future. For this chapter, maybe just take out the bit where he's listening to the radio? If this were a movie, that would be fine, because it would just be background noise and the viewer might not really even notice it. But in writing it's really hard to do something like that, because everything you write is important. In this case, I think you can just take out the part where he's listening to the radio. Hannah's name will still be familiar to him because her case is all over the news. You can mention it on the radio and in newspaper headlines and stuff after this, too, if you want, because then it wouldn't be ruining the surprise.

Also, I have to agree with Kafka with what he said about making Greg feel more hurried. I know he (Greg, not Kafka!) is a laid-back kind of person, but it seems to me like if he bothered to wake up Dave at 3:30 am, he would be a little stressed out, or at least anxious. I guess maybe this isn't necessary, but it just feels like you're setting up a state of emergency and then making everyone be strangely calm. If Hannah has been missing for eight days, why couldn't Greg wait 'till morning to tell David? Or at least wait until a more godly hour? It's a suspenseful beginning to have him get a call in the middle of the night, but I'm just not sure it makes sense. Of course, I don't really know what's going on yet, exactly, so there's a good chance that I'm completely wrong about all of this.

I'm intrigued by this! I'm curious to know what the "voodoo" is, and why the children would call the David a Ghostbuster. You have a good start here, now I just want to see where you go with it!

I hope this helps. Please PM me or write on my wall if you have any questions or anything.

Keep on keepin' on.

a




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'Tis me, Emma. Yo. 8)

You've already gotten yourself an Azila review, as well as some other great reviews, so I'm a bit paranoid that I'll be useless. Nonetheless, I'm determined to find something to help you out. So yeah, here we go.

Before I begin...
“...No leads in the case of six-year-old Hannah Morgan, now missing for eight days.

Holy sh*t, that's one of my best friend's name, like, seriously. Now that, my friend, is what you call creepy.

Hannah Morgan.

That's still creeping me out.

... it was a photograph of a small, smiling girl. She was squinting in the bright sunlight, one hand pushing her blonde hair from her face as she looked up at the camera.

My friend, Hannah Morgan, has blonde hair. (As you may be able to tell, I'm still freaked out by this)

I think I've gotten over the fact that the little girl's name has the same name as one of my best friend's now, as well as the same hair colour, so I'll continue with the review.

Okay! I'll begin by saying that I really do like this story, so far. It's exactly my cup of tea... like, perfect for me. Something I'm currently writing/is tearing my brain apart due to a messed up plot actually has a freakishly similar idea to this. It's a about some guy who sees and speaks to ghosts e.t.c. so I feel like I can kind of relate to this story. Speaking about my story, this piece right there is making me want to take a shot at rewriting it... for the second time. Anyways, yeah, so far, so good. I think this has a pile of potential and you've kept the perfect amount of mystery in here too.

Hmmm... All nit-picks and critiques seem to have been taken...Okay, I think I've got something. Oh, before I begin though, well done on avoiding the clichés in this chapter. You had a few of them in the prologue, so I'm more than happy to see none here. Anyways, the critique. Basically, I think you could have created the atmosphere more effectively in places. In the prologue, I think you did a good job with that, so I know you can do it. Let's take tension, for example. When David was being told about the fact that there was a big case in the middle of the night would have been a brilliant place to cause some good tension. I mean, the MC's getting a phone call in the middle of the night. That's just one example of one kind of atmosphere, err, thing.

To be honest, I can't really think of anything else. Nothing that hasn't already been mentioned anyway. That's a good thing though, right? So yeah... so far, so good!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins
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EMMA! So sorry it took me this long to review! But 'tis okay; Aunt Spit is here now 8)

Skins wrote:You've already gotten yourself an Azila review, as well as some other great reviews, so I'm a bit paranoid that I'll be useless. Nonetheless, I'm determined to find something to help you out. So yeah, here we go.

Ha ha! That's totally ironic 'cause, when I scrolled down to click the reply button, I saw everyone who had reviewed and I was like oh crap, am I really gonna have something to say to this? Lol.

But I will try my best anyways!

Azila wrote:Firstly, as soon as I read what he was listening to on the radio, I thought to myself "I bet that's what the 'case' is." I was, of course, right. I wasn't at all surprised when Greg told David why he'd called him.

I totally agree with Azila on this one. It was too obvious that that was what was going to happen. I also suggest you remove the part with the radio; give it some more suspense.

Other than that, I'd suggest you be a bit more careful with the typical good-detective-character. I mean, he's a good character and all, you portrayed him well, but the parts where he gets woken up early in the morning and his wife complains about him not being home often and all seem so typical for good cop/detective movies and books. It's always those kinds of scenes we read/see and I'm just afraid that it'll become...predictable. Like he'll be a sefless guy, always think the right things and never stray from what's right, his wife leaves him because he's never around, those kinds of things, you know?

Anyhow, that is all I have to add. It was a good chapter with well-put scenes and characters.
Keep 'em coming! ;)
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Punctuation is the difference between "Let's eat, Grandma" and "Let's eat Grandma".




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Hey Emma, sorry it's taken me so long to review!

Okay, so first off I'm super stoked (yeah, I just used that word) that this is going into the supernatural/paranormal setting -- I'm something of a fan of that kind of stuff, if you couldn't tell. ;) I'm really looking forward to seeing what Dave and Greg are going to do and what sort of creatures they're going to have to face.

I have a question -- is this girl, Hannah Morgan, the same girl from the prologue? Because that's what I was thinking at first, and then I remembered that in the prologue the name was Macey (duh, Hawk!) and so now I'm thinking this is just a different occurrence altogether? If there's any way you could clarify, that'd be great.

I'm also wondering why Greg's at the office so early; is it part of his job to be on night shift or something? Is he just that zealous about his work? Something?

And one last thing I have to mention -- I know it's the first chapter and all, but so far the characters are feeling clichéd. You have the serious, duty-focused cop-type character who's obviously done tough cases before and is pretty capable, and then you've got the new, cocky, energetic, comic relief character. It's nothing bad, but it all has a very familiar feel, and I'd like to see a little more freshness concerning the people. You've already nailed that new, unused sound for the writing itself, which is great; I'd just like to see the characters become a little more memorable. That being said, I realize this is just the first chapter and you've got a lot of room to explore their personalities, and you might end up surprising me with whatever else you've got written.

Anyway, that's really all I have to say. Fantastic work, which is nothing I didn't expect. I'm eagerly awaiting the next chapter! :D
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

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Hey. :D I'm so sorry that I'm only able to review this late. >.< :( I was supposed to read and review it the day I read the update in the club page but I was sleepy back then. And the exams week were so soon. Anyway...

Nitpicks:

Brr, brr, brr. Brr, brr, brr.

- I didn't think that this was a phone buzzing until I read the first line.

“Morning beautiful.”

- Put a comma after 'Morning' and change the period into a comma since a sentence follows directly after it.

If he’d done that while she was trying to get back to sleep, he would’ve got a pillow slammed into his face.

- I appreciate how you let us know more about Claire's personality here.

“I don’t know why you hire Greg when he can’t even manage on his own.”

- I actually am not sure whether you should change the period into a comma or just separate the sentence that follows 'cause it doesn't refer to the dialog. o.o

Immediately goosebumps sprung up...

- I think you should put a comma after 'Immediately'.

“I wish you were actually home for once.”

- I'm confused with the meaning of this sentence. >.<

So far the police have made no arrests...

- I think you should put a comma after 'far'.

For a moment he just sat there...

- Comma after 'moment'

Twenty-two going on seventeen...

- I'm confused here.

In the darkest cases it was his humour...

- Comma after 'cases'

...any that lay open on his desk.

- I think you changed the tense here. Change 'lay' to 'laid'.

“So, what case did you want to talk about?”

- You shouldn't put a comma after a coordinating conjunction like 'So'. If you intended a pause, maybe, an ellipsis would be better?

“I’ll pick ‘em up in a moment!”

- I don't think the exclamation point here is necessary unless Greg shouted or something.

“Hannah Morgan… The girl missing for eight days?”

- Don't put space after an ellipsis.

David thought of the new-bulletin...

- I wonder why you hyphenated 'new' and 'bulletin'. o.o

“I, ah… fail to see how a missing person..."

- Same here about the ellipsis.

A dusting of brown freckles...

- I'm confused with the word 'dusting' here. >.<

“It’s just that… I… Well…”

- No space after ellipses.

“Don’t tell me you suffer from stage-fright..."

- I don't think there should be a dash between 'stage' and 'fright'.

"...you’ve brought to my attention that has so much…”

- Same with the ellipsis here.

When they barge into her room,

- You should write 'barge' in past tense.

"Mrs. Morgan told me that, afterward, they checked all the windows and doors..."

- I'm confused with how you used 'afterward' here. Please rephrase.

“Hannah had just vanished into thin air.”

- Ooh. I love how you ended the chapter with this. :)

- - - - - - -

I like this chapter. :D But I don't like it as much as I liked the first chapter. Maybe, it's because the story began to sound more serious and because the way you wrote the story changed. Hmm...But that's not really a big deal. :D Anyway, you're good at describing the personalities of the characters. ;) But you didn't 'show' us what they look like. o.o Nevertheless, I'm excited to keep reading! ^_^

Never stop writing!
“(...) and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” - Gandalf, The Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring



Why do we only rest in peace? Why don't we live in peace too?
— Alison Billet