My Dieing Thoughts

Just some stuff I threw together real quick.

Edit: Lol, I put through instead of threw...

Spoiler

My mother walks; eyes glazed
Stuck behind invisible haze
Her glasses reaching off her nose
Her bony fingers curled and rose

Drops of sweat rolled down and down
“Dawn your shoes; lets go to town”
Her voice was soft like horse’s mane
Covered with pride and vain.

The sun reflects from fresh new paint
Pangs of city life bring me hate
I wish the sky was actually blue
Instead it looks like a tarry glue

The car door slams; the brakes squeak
I soon found out that I am weak
I decided that I hate my life
As our car became the deathly scythe

I loved the description of your mother and the final line! Great job.

Okay, no hard feelings, Unun, but you spelt "dieing" wrong. It's "dying"... Just pointing that out

My mother walks; eyes glazed
Stuck behind invisible haze It seems like there should be a "d" at the end, but it's not too noticeable
Her glasses reaching off her nose How can they reach off her nose?
Her bony fingers curled and rose Huh? This line is confusing...

Drops of sweat rolled down and down Down what?
“Dawn your shoes; lets go to town” You need a comma after town
Her voice was soft like horse’s mane Like A horse's mane
Covered with pride and vain. So her voice shows her pride and how vain she is? Perhaps reword to something less confusing

The sun reflects from fresh new paint
Pangs of city life bring me hate
I wish the sky was actually blue
Instead it looks like a tarry glue Tarry. My extensive vocabulary doesn't register this word. Meh, sounds cool

The car door slams; the brakes squeak
I soon found out that I am weak
I decided that I hate my life
As our car became the deathly scythe Deathly. Perhaps use deadly?

Yay! I loved it, so much detail I love details. Anyways, the poem is promising but there's a lot of questions the reader asks and a couple of the lines don't make sense. Other than that, it's great!

Hey there! I'm The.Dreamwalker, but most people call me Dream, and I have yet to have the pleasure of reviewing one of your pieces. So, here it goes!

My mother walks; eyes glazed
Stuck behind invisible haze <-- Interesting imagery! Good flow as well. Add an 'an' behind 'behind'.
Her glasses reaching off her nose
Her bony fingers curled and rose <-- maybe change this line to some imagery instead, like 'curled like a withered rose' or something a little less... unexplanatory.

Drops of sweat rolled down and down
“Dawn your shoes; lets go to town”
Her voice was soft like horse’s mane <--- a should be behind horses. It wouldn't cut the flow
Covered with pride and vain. <-- reword. Maybe 'covered with pride; exuberantly vain'. It will flow better

The sun reflects from fresh new paint <-- love this line!
Pangs of city life bring me hate
I wish the sky was actually blue
Instead it looks like a tarry glue <--- take the a out. I love how this kind of gives it a more personal feel than just emotion, emotion, emotion!

The car door slams; the brakes squeak
I soon found out that I am weak <--- reword. Maybe "A constant reminder than I am weak" or something like that.
I decided that I hate my life
As our car became the deathly scythe <-- love love love that this was the end. You have an interesting way for wording the dramatic. Very interesting!

Alright, so the red is immediate corrections. The Blue is my personal opinion. The green is what I liked!

Overall:

I think you have an interesting voice! You have a way with the dramatic of which gives your piece something that isn't really 'melodrama' nor is it 'teenage angst'. Its hard to write anything with such lines as 'I hate my life' and have it work out. For that, I congratulate you.

Other than that, you have to work on your 'a' placements. The letter will help with the flow of which seems to be missing in some of these lines. Don't fear having it. It doesn't stop the feel.

That being said, keep practicing and I hope to read more of your work!
~The.Dreamwalker

I somewhat enjoyed this poem. As said before your voice is interesting, but overall I didn't really find this poem all to amazing. I know you said you just threw it together and that's what is seems like. It seems as though you clipped three different poems from their source and glued them together as one. As I read i found the first part quite boring, and a little choppy in the sense that the words did not go together as well as they could have.

This was your best stanza:

The car door slams; the brakes squeak
I soon found out that I am weak
I decided that I hate my life
As our car became the deathly scythe

It had the emotion which I like to see in poems. It showed both sorrow and acceptance andd spoke solemnly. I suggest you look at this poem again and try to bring what I liked in the last stanza.