Young Writers Society

There's a black hole where there should be a beat,
Eating all my emotions and feelings
Causing me stagger, stumble, and cry,
Feeling so heavy, making me sigh

Feelings march in, two by two,
Anger and fear stem from a few.
There's no holding them back,
This is just how I feel,
Maybe someday,
I'll heal

I like this a lot. I think, howver, you might have had a typo in your first line:

There's a black where there should be a beat,

This doesn't make sense....

Otherwise, I liked it.

Keep writing!

Kay

There's a black where there should be a beat, Huh? Clear up this wording a little.
Eating all my feelings, emotions... I really don't like this ellipsis. Especially since it's so early.
Causing me to stagger, stumble, and die,
Feeling so heavy, causing me to sit here and sigh Second time you've used "causing." If that was intentional, it sounds weird.

Feelings march in, two by two. Too abrupt, compared to that last line.
Anger and fear stem from a few
There's no holding it back, You went from plural to singular.
That's just how it is,
How it's going to be, What happened to the rhyming?
I really can't take much more, Doesn't flow well.
Before I walk out the door

Hope this was helpful.

-Kafka

There's a black where there should be a beat, Take out the "a". There's a black what?
Eating all my feelings, emotions...
Causing me to stagger, stumble, and die,
Feeling so heavy, causing me to sit here and sigh How can you sigh if you've already died?

Feelings march in, two by two.
Anger and fear stem from a few This line feels too long
There's no holding it back,
That's just how it is,
How it's going to be,
I really can't take much more,
Before I walk out the door Out of the door where?

This is a very promising poem but there are just too many questions I have to ask about it. Perhaps add more stanzas to elaborate on the idea; this idea needs to dig deeper. But it looks like it can become a very good poem Keep writing!

This poem seems like it's a first draft, which is not necessarily a bad thing because of the nature of this site, but I hope you don't consider this a final, because you can really improve it.

Is the first line supposed to say "hole"? I agree with Kaf that the ellipsis is ineffective and forced like most of the rhyming. As a matter of fact I would seriously take into consideration all of Kaf's critiques.

Other than it wasn't a bad start of a poem at all.

Like it, especially the simplicity and the message, and I think the first line is good how it is, seeing how other people seem to think it's a typo, which maybe it is, but I think it worked out for the best,

need a comma after "few" and periods to end the stanzas, I'm not big on changing other people's words or wording, but I don't like "sigh" at the end of the first stanza, even though it has the effect of a sigh, kind of just trailing off, so maybe it's cool,

and maybe I missed something, but you say that the hole eats your feelings, but then they have an effect in the second stanza, maybe you should talk about feeling lifeless without the capacity to love...

anyway, I liked it, but there is plenty of room for improvement,

i loved the first stanza.. its a great poem but i think you should make it longer. i felt like i was left hanging there.

I really like this poem! I think you did a really good job on it. The only thing that I have a problem with is the rhythm and timing seems a bit off. Maybe it's just the way that I'm reading it, though.
Keep writing! :)

This poem is good! I likehow the title makes you want to read it! Anyway the poem is awesome and I know I've said that like 3 times but I'm just making sure that you know that!

This is really good!! i enjoyed it a lot. I wouldn't say I enjoyed it, but it made me think very hard, and i connected with it. I'm sure one day you will heal......just don't give up hope.

Iliked the concept of this but I think you should edit and make sure all of the lines flow smoothly. Some of the wording was just a bit akward to me. It was very nice though, you just need to make sure everything works and there's no typo's. Other then my little nitpicks, great job and good luck on future writes.

Hi there kimalane. Lavvi in to review.

This was a good concept, but it's just about executing it properly. You need to expand your vocabulary to ensure better imagery. In your poem especially, visualisation needs to be there. And it's one of those poems that it's all or nothing. Elaborate about these pictures you're trying to paint and it'll be all the more interesting and enjoyable for the reader.

Yours,
Lavvi

This was good. I liked the very end of it. I think you have great potential as a poet and should keep on doing what you are doing

Keep writing- good luck
JJxVoodo

Hi Kim! I liked your poem, but there were a lot of issues as well. But don't worry, we all make mistakes. Your fellow YWSers are here to help you become an awesome writer(:

Lesson #1 is punctuation. 2 stanzas, 6 end of line commas, 9 total commas, and one period (in the first stanzas, may I add!)

This is what I suggest:

There's a black hole where there should be a beat, a beat? I'm a bit confused...
Eating all my emotions and feelings period.
Causing me stagger, stumble, and cry,
Feeling so heavy, making me sigh period.

Feelings march in, two by two, You don't need a comma after in
Anger and fear stem from a few.
There's no holding them back,
This is just how I feel, period.
Maybe someday,
I'll heal period.

the
With more (and in some cases less) punctuation, you have therefore broken up the poem and lessened the flow. (When have you ever heard that?) Haha, but without enough punctuation, you are creating one large run on sentence. Like when you are giving a speech, and you run out of breath because the sentence is too long without a period/comma.


Lesson #2: Stanzas

I see 2 stanzas. That's fine, a short and sweet poem. But one stanza has 4 lines and the other has 6. I suggest 5 and 5, to make it look more even and neat. Stanzas are also meant to be two separate (but also relating, I know, confusing right?) thoughts. Like two chapters in a book, or two paragraphs. So, don't get crazy if you decide to even out the stanzas.


Lesson #3: Rhyming

Firstly, the rhyming is partially thrown off because of the uneven stanzas. But, in the first stanza you rhymed lines 3 and 4. In the second stanza, you rhymed lines 1 and 2, and 4 and 6. I suggest to firs even the stanzas then rhyme the same lines in both stanzas. This would be very beneficial to the flow of your poem. Again with the flow, right?

The lyrics we very nice, don't get me wrong! I hope to hear more poems out of you in the future!

~Fortiiiii (: