Stars in the fallen sky

I’d like to be a star in the fallen sky,
Watch the world change as time passes by.
To be a burning bolt of eternal fire,
Be the item of others desire.
The ultimate gift to show ones love,
Be the one who gazes from above.
To see that longing in your eyes
Be the one to whom you uncover your lies.
I’d like to be the symbol of joy,
The secret bond between girl and boy.

And in the end I’d fall from my place,
And spread my fire all through space.
I’d be a meteor caught in a loop,
Circle around you like a hula hoop.
Lovers will wait for me to come around,
And I will be what’s keeping them bound.

But see I’m no star shining from above,
I’m simply a lost girl insanely in love,
Who stares at the stars amazed,
Wishing to with one of them be replaced.
In love with the stars and space,
I something impossible chase.

I liked this. However, a few lines for me stuck out as not making sense until you really looked at them:

I something impossible chase.

Wishing to with one of them be replaced.

And then I thought this sounded out of place:

Circle around you like a hula hoop.

Besides that I loved this poem. I loved the concept and the delivery.

Keep Writing,

Kay

Interesting. Here are my nitpicks:

The ultimate gift to show ones love,

"Ones" should be possessive: "one's."

Be the one to whom you uncover your lies.

"Uncover" isn't the right word. "Reveal," maybe?

Lovers will wait for me to come around,

I don't particularly like this line. Too straightforward.

Wishing to with one of them be replaced.
In love with the stars and space,
I something impossible chase.

First line: too weird of phrasing. Yoda, are you now?
Second line: Too short. Doesn't flow well.
Third line: Doesn't make any sense at all.

Hope this helped.

-Kafka

I’d like to be a star in the fallen sky,
Watch the world change as time passes by.
To be a burning bolt of eternal fire,
Be the item of others desire. It would be others apostrophe because it's the desire of others but since others already has an s on is you just add an apostrophe
The ultimate gift to show ones love,
Be the one who gazes from above.
To see that longing in your eyes
Be the one to whom you uncover your lies. Uncover doesn't seem like the right word. Perhaps try "reveal"
I’d like to be the symbol of joy,
The secret bond between girl and boy.

And in the end I’d fall from my place,
And spread my fire all through space.
I’d be a meteor caught in a loop,
Circle around you like a hula hoop.
Lovers will wait for me to come around,
And I will be what’s keeping them bound.

But see I’m no star shining from above,
I’m simply a lost girl insanely in love, Nice lines here!
Who stares at the stars amazed,
Wishing to with one of them be replaced. This line doesn't make sense
In love with the stars and space,
I something impossible chase. I something? Perhaps just say "something impossible I chase"

I liked this poem a lot and I like the idea and how you start it. There's not much problems with meter and rhyme and there are just simple spelling and grammatical errors. I really liked it; keep writing!

Very nice poem! I loved how everything flowed and had a beat. Other then the changes that were already stated, I would not change a thing. My favorite part of the poem was the topic, it was very clever.

But see I’m no star shining from above,
I’m simply a lost girl insanely in love,

This was the best part of the poem in my opinion! I look forward to reading more of your work!
-Jessa

I really liked this ^.^ The symbolism was my favorite! Just a few things:

I’d like to be a star in the fallen sky,
Watch the world change as time passes by.
To be a burning bolt of eternal fire,
Be the item of others desire. [Maybe you should use 'and' instead of 'be'?]
The ultimate gift to show ones love,
Be the one who gazes from above. [Same thing here...]
To see that longing in your eyes,
Be the one to whom you uncover your lies.[And again..]
I’d like to be the symbol of joy,
The secret bond between girl and boy.

And in the end I’d fall from my place,
And spread my fire all through space. [To help this flow better, you should use 'throughout' rather than 'through']
I’d be a meteor caught in a loop,
Circle around you like a hula hoop. [I Love the imagery!]
Lovers will wait for me to come around,
And I will be what’s keeping them bound.

But see I’m no star shining from above,
I’m simply a lost girl insanely in love,
Who stares at the stars amazed,
Wishing to be with one of them be replaced.
In love with the stars and space,
I something impossible chase.

I really like this poem. I don't have any critique that hasn't already been mentioned though =)

This is a very deep and inspirational poem. I can just see the image now, a nighttime sky filled with stars all streaking gold across the deep blue. Ooooh, chills! Anyway, let's see the specifics...

To see that longing in your eyes
Be the one to whom you uncover your lies.
I’d like to be the symbol of joy,
The secret bond between girl and boy.

I think this is my favorite passage here. Oh, that I had a girlfriend to stargaze with! It's so beautiful and vivid an image, the symbol of joy between lovers. Lovely!

I like this poem a lot, and I hope you continue to keep writing with such good imagery. Ever need a review or want to bounce an idea off someone, you're more than welcome to drop me a line!
- SOCKS