Be mine

Were you taking this poem seriously when you wrote it? I hope not.

This isn't original at all. It's just another "omg I luv u y cant u be mine" teenage love poem. Each line says the exact same thing, over and over. I can just read the first two lines, and I know exactly what the rest of the poem is going to say. It would be just as intriguing if you wrote this instead.

When I’m with or around you, I love you.
I just lose myself, I love you.
Your heart is the only place where, I love you.
I want to dwell. I love you.

That's how I read it. Now you see why I almost threw up reading the entire thing.

But I'm not going to leave you hanging. I have some specific things you can work on. Imagery. You need it to back up your ideas. Not only will it make this somewhat more original, it will add depth as well. Right now, you might as well be two dimensional as far as depth. Also, spice up your vocabulary. All these bland words don't do anything to make this better.

I'm not just being harsh for the sake of being harsh. I think these things will help make this poem more enjoyable, and make yourself an overall better poet. Hope you found this helpful.

-Kafka

Okay, so this is a very cliche song/poem, but I think that it could be made much more original. I think you can change it and remove some cliche from it. I would take the above critiques into account and see if you can make it your own. Now, cliche is not bad in PARTS, but this wreaks of it. I don't think it is to your best potential and would love to see some revisions. Talk about how the boy/girl has someone else or something, i'm not sure. There needs to be more. NOw if you wrote this to get rid of your emotions, than good job, but if you wrote it in the sake of being published, i would strengthen it.

Feel free to PM me if you need/want any help.

Tommybear

Deep in my heart I'm concealing things,
that I'm longing to say;
Scared to confess what I'm feeling,
frightened you'll slip away.

I always wonder what you’re thinking,
When I look at you, This line makes the poem flow uneasily
But I’m afraid to say anything,
Don’t you feel this too?

When I’m with or around you, [b[ Too long. [/b]
I just lose myself,
Your heart is the only place where,
I want to dwell. This stanza doesn't rhyme and it's just all awkward.

I know someday, you’ll have a beautiful life,
Every thing ideally aligned.
I know, you’ll be a sun in someone else’s sky,
Why can’t it be mine???
Why, why can’t you be
The reason of my smile??? This extra line seems to ruin the end for me

I liked it but it was very cliche, like the other reviewers have said. This whole love poem idea and the stanzas and ideas you portrayed in it have been used countless time through the ages, and it's very tiring. The poem itself is good and just some thoughts about the structure and all, but other than that, it's great