Demonic Hatred Chapter 1

His eyes dulled as he took his last breath. Ace withdrew from his friend's corpse and tears appeared on his face.
"I'll be back?! What do you mean by that?! I don't understand!" He cried.
"I meant that no matter how hard I try, I can't leave this world," said a voice. "duh."
"Dylan?!" Ace asked. The two of them smiled and laughed.
"But wait, how did you die?" Ace asked. Shrugging his ghostly shoulders, Dylan floated over to his body, only before climbing inside it. A mixed expression of confusion and disgust grew on his friend's face as he soon sat up and sighed.
"Ew. That was nasty." Ace exclaimed and laughed. He straightened up and spun around as an alien walked into the room. I say alien, but in truth, it was a creature from my realm.
"Ace, Dylan, I advise that you stay back." I called. Dylan looked as he usually does- indifferent. Yet that did not surprise me. What shocked me most, was when Ace picked up a metal pipe and ran over to the creature. Drawing four characters in the air, I stopped his movement.
"Didn't I tell you to stay back? Are you insane?" I asked.
"Probably," Ace replied. I pulled him back and placed his frozen body next to Dylan. I slowly stepped over to the creature.
" My name is Ellie. Do you understand?" I asked.
"Yes, I understand, my lady." He responded. I turned around and drew the same four characters in the air that had restricted Ace's movement and reversed the spell.
"Ellie, I am here to tell you that your death contract is almost up. Oh, may I ask what you are doing in this dreadfully gray, square, empty room?" The creature asked.
" I'm in this horrible basement because these two morons here are needed by Father." I said, turning to face the creature.
"I ask the gate that allows my entry into my realm to appear before me now." I whispered. The boys watch and I notice their faces turn to horror as a large, beautiful gate appears.
"Follow me, and keep close." I call to the boys. We walk through the gate and wander the streets 'till we arrive at my father's palace.
"You dare to enter this sacred palace?" One of the guards called.
"You dare block my entry into my father's palace?" I called back with a grin. Both guards looked nervous, but allowed us through. We had barely gotten three steps into the palace when my father catches sight of me.
"Ellie! Where have you been?! I've been so worried!" He cried. He could be such an idiot at times, but he's my father.
"Father, I have the mortals you asked for." I whispered when I passed him by. Father stood straight and cleared his throat.
"Ace and Dylan, you two boys have been chosen by our gods to save our realm." He called in what I like to call his royal voice.

Hello, Milaita!

I'll start the review with the nitpicks!

There is need of a space here:

... face."I'll be back?! What...

Replace the first full stop with a comma:

... I can't leave this world." said a voice.

"Duh." Michael replied.

As well as replacing the first full stop with a comma here, you're also missing a full stop at the end:

"Probably." James replied

Now, onto the review! I have no idea what this is about. Is it a novel? Or a short story? Is this the beginning of the story? Or an excerpt from the middle of it? I'm guessing it's just a small extract and not an actual chapter as it's way too short to be one. You really need to specify what it is because, as a reader, I'm so confused as to what's happening. Also, you need to describe more such as the setting. Where is this taking place? Little details such as this create images for readers that liven up your story. It's essential.

Regarding the way it was written, you seem to have fallen into the trap of telling not showing. Well, you did show in some parts, but it could be improved! I noticed that more than half of your sentences started with the names of your characters which made your story seem flat and bleak. Try differing the sentence structures to make it sound more interesting and gripping for the reader. There were lots of repetition of your character's names that made the story in general sound awkward such as:

... James asked. Michael shrugged his ghostly shoulders and floated over to his body. James had a look of confusion, and disgust, as Michael climbed back into his body. Michael slowly sat up and sighed.

This could easily be overcome by doing something like this:

... James asked. Shrugging his ghostly shoulders, Michael floated towards his body, only before climbing inside it. A mixed expression of confusion and disgust grew on his friend's face as he soon sat up and sighed.

Okay, granted, that wasn't the best example, but changing the sentence structure around does make a lot of difference to the way the story sounds! So try that!

Overall, I found this interesting, despite being dragged throughout the piece, not knowing what was happening at all. To really improve, you need to describe, basically. Make the story seem real to the readers! Keep writing because I'd like to see how you progress with this!

Best of luck!
Thien

Hello again!

Sorry, I just realised that you are new to YWS! Very new, actually!

Well, here's my welcome: WELCOME, PERSON!

If you have any questions or anything like that, just PM me about it and I'd be glad to help and stuff. Also, if you need anyone to review a piece of your work, I wouldn't mind doing it! I hope you enjoy YWS as much as I do!

Thien

Oh right. I see what you mean. My writing seems to be quite childish. Though, that last sentence was most likely incorrect because of my ability to forget my punctuation almost immediately. :/ Thank you for your review. It will definitely help in my future writings.

is this suppose to be a novel or a short story? And it's sort of confusing, but it's good (: I like it.

It's a novel. I want to get it published, but I do have to make corrections.

First off, the nitpicks:

"I'll be back?! What do you mean by that?! I don't understand!" he cried

"I meant that no matter how hard I try, I can't leave this world," said a voice. "Duh."

"(There was a space here that I removed)My name is Ellie. Do you understand?" I asked.

"Yes, I understand, my lady." he responded.

"Ellie, I am here to tell you that your death contract is almost up. Oh, may I ask what you are doing in this dreadfully gray, square, empty room?" the creature asked.

"(There was a space here that I removed)I'm in this horrible basement because these two morons here are needed by Father." I said, turning to face the creature.

"You dare to enter this sacred palace?" one of the guards called.

"Ellie! Where have you been?! I've been so worried!" he cried

I notice that you have quite a bit of errors in this area. If you have questions on why I changed it or if you're second guessing my corrections, then check this out: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic44898.html

"Ace and Dylan, you two boys have been chosen by our gods to save our realm." he called in what I like to call his royal voice.

Maybe it's just me but I feel like this would fit better if the sentence was flipped to where it ended with, "by our gods to save our realm." It adds more suspense and more of a cliffhanger. Just an opinion, though. :)

I really like this story so far. It's very intriguing and I enjoy your style of writing. I do have a few problems with this though. To you, this may seem to make total sense because you're the writer. But to a reader...well let's just say that I was quite confused. I didn't know what the heck was going on here, or even what person you were writing in (first person, third, etc.). Your tenses seem fine, as well as most of your grammar. But you lacked the type of description that I really enjoy. I suggest going into more detail concerning where they are, who they are, etc. As a first chapter, I'm not sure that this necessarily fits even if you do want it to be mysterious; it just might be too mysterious. As a prologue, I think it'd fit much better! Don't get me wrong, I really like this and would like to read more, I'm just giving you my honest opinions as I would want from others. Thanks for the great read! I look forward to reading more! :)

Starting out:

The beginning is incredibly confusing. I thought for the first bit that this story would be told in third person. When you first said "I say alien" it surprised me. Maybe saying something like "I watched as-" before the first sentence would clear that up?

Also, you keep switching between past and present tense.

"I ask the gate that allows my entry into my realm to appear before me now." I whispered. The boys watched and I noticed their faces turned to horror as a large, beautiful gate appeared.

This only starts happening near the end. It really throws the reader off, so I would strongly recommend fixing it.

This seems like an interesting idea for a story. Cleaning up the beginning and some minor errors would help other people see this as well.

Blood

I knew I did something with the tenses... I do that a lot. In my other posts I'm working on not doing that so much, and I haven't seen anyone comment on that yet. :/ I'll keep working on that. Thanks for noticing that problem.