Tophat

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A/N/Disclaimer: So, there's going to be a Flash Fiction Night at my library. Under 1,000 words, poetry or short story, and you get to read it in the theater. I wrote this for that. (Otherwise, I'll use one of my poems.) I need some insight. I'm not sure if this is my best, mainly since I cut and hacked at it until I got under 1,000 words. I'm also not sure if the tenses are right (I'm horrible with that). Um. I've been working on it--getting rid of words, re-wording things--so much I don't think I can be objective anymore. So anyone willing to tell me what they think? If so, keep reading. (And please don't flip if it's not top-notch!)

SIDE NOTE: This piece of work in its new edited state is thanks to Bolshevik, who caught my many mistakes, and so is the fresh-and-shiny title. *claps*

#


TOPHAT


Codie padded to her window. “How’s the pretty bird doing today?”
she called. She finished putting on her coat, then looked out as light washed in. Nothing.
There was one thing that set her life apart from Anne down the street. There had always been a raven sitting on the holly bush outside of her window. It came by at five o’clock sharp and left at seven. She’d timed it.
All she could do was stare, Tophat's absence was beguiling.
“Code, your cereal is getting soggy!” her mother called.
She sighed; faint worry eating at her. She pushed it aside, “Why’d you pour the milk?”
“It’s the only incentive I have to get you to come and see your mother.”
She rolled her eyes, then glanced back at the window once more--he probably died, or was ate by a cat.
The thought process made her shudder. She’d got to thinking of it as her raven over the years. She’d even given it a name--Tophat.
She narrowed her eyes. If I find feathers, that blasted half-lion of Mrs. Thompson’s is getting its tail handed to it.

#

“Finally,” her mother exclaimed.
“I came down right after you called.” Codie frowned, then sat down on one of the stools. She glanced at her half-sister, Chels. They looked absolutely nothing alike. She felt a ping of annoyance--at her mother, not the innocent seven-year-old.
“Did you study for that science test last night?” Her mother tipped her head.
Codie swallowed a mouthful of soggy grain hoops while she nodded. “Yeah, for an hour,” she said, before cramming down another spoonful.
Chels giggled. “You eat like Mister Frank did.”
A tingle started down Codie’s spine as she watched her step-dad cringe. That caused another frown.
She finished her cereal. “Mom, can I have another bowl, how 'bout some bacon?” she asked, whilst kicking her backpack.
“Do you want to be as overweight as your father?”
She opened her mouth. She closed her mouth. “No.” Her mother turned, showing off her skinny, bony back.
Codie snatched an apple out of the fruit basket and crammed it into her coat pocket. “Bye” She gulped down her orange juice and walked off.
She heard a goodbye from her sister; no one else said anything.

#

At the school stairs, she ran into a former friend. “Hello,” she said, looking anywhere but at the blonde.
“Hi,” Lynn answered. “You know, a group of--”
“You kissed Joseph--step aside.”
She obeyed, hugging her pink coat closer, and Codie walked past without another word.
I really need to find better human beings. Friends kissing your boyfriend--vice, versa.
She shrugged as she hit the rest of the crowd. She imagined the people as fat cows moving to slaughter; the guards the wavers of the plastic bags. An amusing image.
She just tilted her head to one guard and wandered through the doors, sound lost in her ears. Voices loud, swears hissed, someone’s books tumbling down.

#

The second she reached Tawny’s locker she was shoulder-checked by a much heavier person.
She exhaled. “What is it, Maybelle?”
“It’s May,” the older girl growled.
Codie looked her over. Black clothes, white cloth-belt, ruby-red lipstick. She looked like a teen out of a club scene in a horror flick.
“Sure, Burns.”
May's brow wrinkled, and then she pushed Codie. Her shoulder blades hit the locker. Slam.
“Ouch,” she joked as she coughed. May’s hand twisted in the cloth over her stomach. “Gonna ask me for my lunch money now?”
“Well, I gotta buy liquor somehow,” May said. “Cough it up.”
“Seriously?” Codie’s eyebrows rose.
“Cough it up,” May repeated.
She rolled her eyes and pulled out a dollar bill.
“That’s it?”
“You think I’d continue to bring money for lunch with you being some normal-antagonist in an after-school special?”
The kick to the shin caught Codie off-guard, she dropped like a bag of rocks. Thud.
May grinned. “Trust me, I’m not normal--or maybe I’m too normal.” May seemed to mockingly ponder it.
Then Codie saw just a flicker at the edge of her vision--she tried to focus but that ruined everything. A face was overlying May’s.
Paler skin, different from May’s light toffee, blacker hair, eyes blue, a darker shade of green eyes.
And there’s red in the hair--creeping from a deep gash on the forehead. A deep gash.
She felt bile sneak onto her tongue. “Oh my gosh.”
“What?” May and other-May look at her.
“May, how many times do I have to tell you to stop messing with my girl,” Tawny said, her voice coming from somewhere. Codie can’t look away from May’s face.
“What’s wrong with her?” May asked, fists clenched.
“What do you mean--” Tawny inquired.
Codie didn’t hear the rest. Up and running; flying down the hall. Past security--yards down the sidewalk--plopped down, panting; her head in her hands, sneakers on the asphalt.
“No, no, no,” she muttered. “What was that? Who--”
“Are you all right?”
She froze, every muscle locking. She wet her lips. “Who’s asking?”
“Me.”
Her gaze focused. Feet--bare, size twelve. Maybe. Dark jeans and the black and neon-blue of a band t-shirt. She saw his face saw among others, shifting under the surface. She blinked hard. Then she saw his outstretched arm; Tophat perched on his wrist.
Her mouth went dry.
“You look upset.” His expression pensive, curious, but she saw other people. A girl, bloodied; a woman’s face, lax; a man, half his face completely--
She doesn’t respond, can’t, so she doesn’t. She sent two fingers down Tophat’s blue-black feathers instead. She noticed the crumbs he/she was eating and every line of the boy’s hand.
“Don’t scare it off,” the boy whispered.
“I won’t,” she said. “It’s mine.”
A spark lit his irises. “We should talk.”
She nodded.
“It’s a special bird you have here,” he whispered.
She glanced sidelong at his face. Everything else has gone. “Definitely.”


#

A/N: So that's basically it. If you have any better ideas for a title, that's welcome, too. Any feedback is welcome, but please, if you just hate it, think twice about commenting, if you would. Still comment if you want, but maybe it's not worth your time. Thanks.
Last edited by Cspr on Tue Mar 08, 2011 5:42 pm, edited 4 times in total.
My SPD senses are tingling.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 575
Reviews 80
I liked this, and I think if you can revise it then you definitely should read it, but it needs some work-I'm not a close enough reader to just tell you, so I'll paste the entire thing and go line by line. uhhhh! :)

First off, you should change the title-1) there's a great song by Pearl Jam with this title, soooo...2) I don't think "black" really is good for this, you should just call it Tophat. :) or black tophat :)

Second, the single clause, simple sentences are good, but you use them too much, they can be used in many ways to great effect, but too much of them just bore the reader-so we'll fix that. :)

Third, there's some thoughts here at least at the beginning, so you should italicize them to let the reader know.

“How’s the pretty bird doing today?” (Though this is fine, it usually isn't good to start off with a quote, in a narrative you should describe the scene, or the feeling, and then you can start the action)
Codie cooed (eh. how about just "called"). She finished putting on her coat; (You misuse semicolons throughout, a comma is all you need here, any semicolon that is orange should be changed) then looked out as light washed in. Nothing.

There was one thing that set her life apart from Anne down the street. There had always been a raven sitting on the holly bush outside of her window. (I don't know if you realized what you did here, but breaking those two clauses into sentences is a great effect) It had come by every morning, five o’clock sharp, and left at seven, when she went down to scarf breakfast. (Sentence too wordy, revise) She’d timed it.

She could only stare, the fact Tophat wasn’t there not clicking. All she could do was stare, Tophat's abscence was beguiling.
“Codie, your cereal is getting soggy!” her mother called. Maybe have her mother call her "Code"
She sighed; faint worry eating at her. She pushed it aside, “Why’d you pour the milk?”
“It’s the only incentive I have to get you to come and see your mother.”
She rolled her eyes, then glanced back at the window once more-he probably died, or was ate by a cat.
The thought process made her shudder. She’d got to thinking of it as her raven over the years. She’d even given it a name--Tophat.
She narrowed her eyes. If I find feathers, that blasted half-lion of Mrs. Thompson’s is getting its tail handed to it.
#

“Finally,” her mother exclaimed.
“I came down right after you called.” Codie frowned, then sat down on one of the stools. She glanced at her half-sister, Chels. Curly hair, dark eyes.(I don't think you need to really tell us what the sister looks like, just say that they are half-sisters and they look nothing alike) They looked absolutely nothing alike. She felt a ping of annoyance--at her mother, not the innocent seven-year-old.
“Anyway, did you study for that science test last night?”
Codie ate (swallowed) a mouthful of soggy grain hoops while she nodded. “Yeah, for an hour,” she said, before cramming down another spoonful.
Chels giggled. “You eat like Mister Frank did.”
A tingle started down Codie’s spine as she watched her step-dad cringe. That caused another frown.
She finished her cereal. “Mom, can I have another bowl, how 'bout some bacon?” she asked, whilst kicking her backpack.
“Do you want to be as overweight as your father?”
She opened her mouth. She closed her mouth. “No.” Her mother turned, showing off her skinny, bony back.
Codie snatched an apple out of the fruit basket and crammed it into her coat pocket. “Bye” She gulped down her orange juice and walked off.
She heard a goodbye from her sister; no one else said anything.

#

At the school stairs, she ran into a former friend. “Hello,” she said, looking anywhere but at the blonde.
“Hi,” Lynn answered. “You know, a group of--”
“You kissed Joseph-- step aside.”
She obeyed, hugging her pink coat closer, and Codie walked past without another word.

I really need to find better human beings. Friends kissing your boyfriend--vice, versa.
She shrugged as she hit the rest of the crowd. She imagined the people as fat cows moving to slaughter; the guards the wavers of the plastic bags. An amusing image.
She just tilted her head to one guard and wandered through the doors, sound lost in her ears. Voices loud, swears hissed, someone’s books tumbleling down.

#

The second she reached Tawny’s locker she was shoulder-checked by a much heavier person.
She exhaled. “What is it, Maybelle?”
“It’s May,” the older girl growled.
Codie looked her over. Black clothes, white cloth-belt, ruby-red lipstick. She looked like a teen out of a club scene in a horror flick.
“Sure, Burns.”
May's brow wrinkled, and then she pushed Codie. Her shoulder blades hit the locker. Slam.
“Ouch,” she joked as she coughed. May’s hand twisted in the cloth over her stomach. “Gonna ask me for my lunch money now?”
“Well, I gotta buy liquor somehow,” May said dryly. “Cough it up.”
“Seriously?” Codie’s eyebrows rose.
“Cough it up,” May repeated.
She rolled her eyes and pulled out a dollar bill.
“That’s it?”
“You think I’d continue to bring money for lunch with you being some normal-antagonist in an after-school special?”
The kick to the shin caught Codie off-guard, she dropped like a bag of rocks. Thud.
May grinned. “Trust me, I’m not normal--or maybe I’m too normal.” May seemed to mockingly ponder it.
Then Codie saw just a flicker at the edge of her vision--she tried to focus but that ruined everything. A face was overlying May’s.
Paler skin, different from May’s light toffee, blacker hair, eyes blue, a darker shade of green eyes.
And there’s red in the hair--creeping from a deep gash on the forehead. A deep gash.
She felt bile sneak onto her tongue. “Oh my gosh.”
“What?” May and other-May looking at her.
“May, how many times do I have to tell you to stop messing with my girl,” Tawny says, coming from somewhere. She can’t look away from May’s face.
“What’s wrong with her?” May asks, fists clenched.
“What do you mean--” Tawny inquired.
Codie doesn’t hear the rest. Up and running; flying down the hall. Past security--yards down the sidewalk--plopped down, panting; her head in her hands, sneakers on the asphalt.
“No, no, no,” she muttered. “What was that? Who--”
“Are you all right?”
She froze, every muscle locking. She wet her lips. “Who’s asking?”
“Me.”
Her gaze focuses. Feet--bare, size twelve. Maybe. Dark jeans and the black and neon-blue of a band t-shirt. She his face saw among others, shifting under the surface. She blinked hard. Then she saw his outstretched arm; Tophat perched on his wrist.
Her mouth went dry.
“You look upset.” His expression pensive, curious, but she sees other people. A girl, bloodied; a woman’s face, lax; a man, half his face completely--
She doesn’t respond, can’t; so she doesn’t. She sent two fingers down Tophat’s blue-black feathers instead. She noticed the crumbs he/she was eating; every line of the boy’s hands.
“Don’t scare it off,” the boy whispered.
“I won’t,” she said. “It’s mine.”
A spark lit his irises. “We should talk.”
She nodded.
“It’s a special bird you have here,” he whispered.
She glanced sidelong at his face. Everything else is gone. “Definitely.”

Sorry I couldn't do better, just make sure that you adress your tense issue, you switch around a lot, and just make sure it is all in the past tense. I really liked this. :)
"This is our decision,
to live fast and die young...
Yeah it's overwhelming,
but what else can we do?
Get jobs in offices and
wake up for the morning commute?

The models will have children,
we'll get a divorce,
find some more models;
everything must run its course!

Fated to Pretend




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 575
Reviews 80
Nice, but there are a few mistakes left, actually pretty glaring ones that can stop the story dead as its read aloud---

1) Though it's not a mistake, I don't know about "padded" in the first line, is that a way of saying "walked?"

2) "A face was overlying May%u2019s." I'm not sure if "overlying" is a word, hou about just "overlapping"

3) "eyes blue, a darker shade of green eyes." I think this was my mistake, sorry, I don't really know what to put, you should just go back to the original and work it out :(

4) "She noticed the crumbs he/she was..."--another mistake of MINE, I tried to get you to define what gender the raven is, but I don't think that is possible and it really isn't even important, so just leave it as and IT


This is great, now that we got the grammatical stuff worked out, even though I have this feeling im missing something...

Bravo! :P
"This is our decision,
to live fast and die young...
Yeah it's overwhelming,
but what else can we do?
Get jobs in offices and
wake up for the morning commute?

The models will have children,
we'll get a divorce,
find some more models;
everything must run its course!

Fated to Pretend




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1172
Reviews 10
I Like It! It Sounds Interesting! And I Have Trouble With Titles Also, Tophat? Please Explain The Whole Title To Me Please. And Also I Love How You Put # To Switch Setting, Smart!
Reality Is A Lovely Place, But I Wouldn't Want To Live There.



The most important thing is to preserve the world we live in. Unless people understand and learn about our world, habitats, and animals, they won't understand that if we don't protect those habitats, we'll eventually destroy ourselves.
— Jack Hanna