Son of the moon

Son of the moon

- Slightly edited -

That red sky tonight, means the moon is on fire.
Your black tongue, hints you’re a pretty little liar.
That pale skin of yours, as solid as stones,
means you’ll break my heart as you broke my bones.

In a secret world in black and white
you’ll whisper lies as you hold me tight.
I’ll try to escape your hungry kisses,
I’ll realize now, we’ll never be Mr. and Mrs.

I’ll forget you now, while I still can,
I’ll walk away quick, you can’t have me man.
But in a dilemma where I fail, it’s too late,
I can’t move on, and you’ll claim it is fate.

But you must realize eventually,
that you and I aren't meant to be.
You’re too false for my innocence,
but to you it makes no sense.

Love for you is as obvious as air is to me,
but I can feel pain, and I’m not free.
I can bleed and hurt and even die,
while you just through eternities fly.

You live for love,
while I love to live.

That red sky tonight, means the moon is on fire,
and I’m caught and you’re my only desire.

Your black eyes, reveals the lies,
you’re not a beautiful angel,
you’re a seducing demon.
You’ll take me down soon,
you son of the moon.

Son of the moon

That red sky tonight, means the moon is on fire <-- interesting imagery!
your black tongue, hints you’re a big, fat liar. <-- good attempt at creating a flow, but the use of language here makes it sound juvenile. Try unfortunate liar or something of that general sort.
That pale skin of yours, as solid as stones
it’s a hidden sign, that you’ll break my heart as you broke my bones. <-- again, good attempt, but too choppy and long

In a secret world in black and white
you’ll whisper lies as you hold me tight.
I’ll try to escape your hungry kisses, <--- change kisses to kiss because to a reader, that could mean more than one. That and it flows better.
I’ll realize now, we’ll never be Mr. and Mrs. <-- this line kind of seemed silly anways

I’ll forget you now, while I still can,
I’ll walk away quick, you can’t have me, man. <-- that comma is necessary
But in a dilemma where I fail, it’s too late, <-- sounds wonky. Try 'But its a dilemma where I fail, much too late'
I can’t move on, and you’ll claim it is fate.

But you must realize eventually,
that I can never love you really.
you’re too false for my innocence,
but to you it makes no sense. <-- this stanza as a whole sounds wonky because of the rhyme scheme you used here. It sounds far too strange and out of sorts.

Love for you is as obvious as air is to me,
but I can feel pain, and I’m not free.
I can bleed and hurt and even die, <-- A little too melodramatic
while you just through eternities fly. <-- wonky line. Doesn't make any sense.

You live for love, <-- then why hurt yourself over him? Or as the the narrator. If he loves then hes not all that bad of a person. Maybe if he lived for self-gratification or to say he loves but doesn't mean it?
while I love to live.

That red sky tonight, means the moon is on fire,
and I’m caught and you’re my only desire.

Your black eyes, reveals the lies,
you’re not a beautiful angel,
you’re a seducing demon.
You’ll take me down soon,
you son of the moon. <--- I like this last stanza!

Okay so what I marked in blue is my personal opinions. What I marked in red are immediate corrections that should be made. What I marked in green show what I really liked about this piece!

Overall:

I thought it was interesting. Confusing cause you throw it around a bunch of different ways. I can't tell whether he is to blame for whats going on or she. That and if hes paranormal in any sort of way, cause you speak of him as being almost beastly and ghastly, yet he has the capacity and ability to love.

That being said, it was interesting and I enjoyed reading it!

That red sky tonight,
means the moon is on fire
your black tongue, hints you’re a big, fat liar.
That pale skin of yours, as solid as stones
it’s a hidden sign, that you’ll break my heart as you broke my bones.

I liked this part of the poem the best I liked this poem and you could see the feeling in it. Some parts didn't go well together but I think another reviewer got the whole shabam already. Good writing however, continue to write!

-- Delanie

I like this, your (or the speaker's) emotion regarding the issue is very evident.
The imagery of the first stanza is great! I wish you continued more of the captivating imagery throughout, because it grabbed my attention at first but didn't keep it. Some of the sentences seem very forced just to make the rhyme. As the reader, I would rather see you break the scheme for flow rather than limit the potential.
Overall, I enjoyed reading it! Keep writing.

That red sky tonight, means the moon is on fire
your black tongue, hints you’re a big, fat liar.
That pale skin of yours, as solid as stones
it’s a hidden sign, that you’ll break my heart as you broke my bones.

First line creates an atmosphere told clumsily. Means the moon is on fire. Why have you presented this line in such a way, as if the reader needs help? Granted, a red sky doesn't mean the moon is on fire so it isn't intrinsic, but the way you've phrased it makes it sound as if it's a synopsis to a booklet advertising a kind of Northern Lights editorial. You say 'your' in the next line which tells me you're speaking to someone. Your black tongue. You're a big, fat liar. Does this person, presumably a he, need to be told that the red sky means the moon is on fire? The way your present this 'he' sounds as if he's mentally superior to you. Does he need to be told?

So, you're a big, fat liar. Ditch the rhyme scheme. This poem is about love, likely you've tried for it to be dark somewhat, and rarely can poetry with a rhyme scheme ever achieve this. Contemplate what rhyming does, for one moment. What effect does it have on me as the reader? I could find it catchy, I may marvel every now and again (if it's done well) at the ingeniousness of a certain rhyme couplet, and...that's about it. I think Auden did it well in Refugee Blues. But that is because that poem is miserable. It digs itself a ditch, brings you along with it and leaves no ledges that'd allow you to climb yourself out. While this, it builds an image and that is it.

So he'll break your heart as he broke your bones? Seems like you've slung that line in because it's an easy analogy. It also (bonus!) rhymes. Now, taking into account the fact that this line actually has value and was not simply put in because it was the easy thing to do, I'll just say why it doesn't work. He broke your bones. Abusive. Not metaphorical and if it is then it's carried very badly. Not only have you put that line into an atmosphere that you've attempted to weave with the dark, you've said that line so nonchalantly it immediately takes away any emotional impact it might have held, had it been places somewhere better.

"Sarah, did you hear? He's going to break my heart like he broke my bones."

The first stanza is too filled already. You've introduced abuse, you do not make it a consistent theme throughout the poem. Instead of telling me that he broke your heart like he broke your bones, why don't you show me? Learn how to incorporate your view of the 'dark' side of the world into your poetry. You do not tell me that he is going to break your bones. You say that your bones are deodorant wrapped in a thin quilt but it doesn't matter if the quilt doesn't do it's job right because the deodorant ran out. Or, more seriously, your china teacups are your thin wrists and daintiness, when endured, tends to shatter on its own and mysteriously leave asphalt marks on the rim. Etc, etc.

Love for you is as obvious as air is to me,
but I can feel pain, and I’m not free.
I can bleed and hurt and even die,
while you just through eternities fly.

Comparing. A recurring theme in this poem. How he is better than you and saying how. Through eternities he can fly. Others might not value immortality as you do. Or flying. Why not give several reasons why is freer than you? What I'd find freeing, likely you wouldn't find it as much. You value immortality, I value being able to stand on the balcony of an arcade with an ice-cream in hand and being happy. Another might value being at peace, ashes spread across South Africa and never having the choice to return. Your view of free and its value is limited, it is trite, it is something everyone has seen before, it's a heap of sparkly vampire. Don't you want to make this poem beautiful? If you describe something people are familiar with, it will evoke emotion that people are familiar with. Create something beautifully new so your audience can feel something beautifully new.

You’ll take me down soon,
you son of the moon.

I like this line a lot, assuming it wasn't written down purely for the sake of rhyme. Son of the moon. That could definitely be expanded upon, make your poem longer which benefits elaboration skills and thus benefits perspective skills and filling empty edges. Son of the moon. Is he...natural? Of nature? Metaphorically, does he glow? Wear a smile of malice, or sadness? It is only you who can decide that. Also, here: http://www.poetryintranslation.com/PITB ... mbaud1.htm You might find yourself enjoying it.

OH MY GOSH! This is amazing work, I really enjoyed it! I felt that the rhythm was generally good, but with one or two errors. Oh well, nobody is perfect.

That red sky tonight, means the moon is on fireyour black tongue, hints you’re a big, fat liar.That pale skin of yours, as solid as stonesit’s a hidden sign, that you’ll break my heart as you broke my bones.In a secret world in black and whiteyou’ll whisper lies as you hold me tight.I loved this line.I’ll try to escape your hungry kisses,I’ll realize now, we’ll never be Mr. and Mrs. This line does not flow. It would seem in some places that you may be just trying to rhyme, but not entirely thinking about what you are writing. This is something you should work on. It's good, but it makes the rhythm fall off the edge. Try - 'I'll realise we'll never be Mr and Mrs.' I’ll forget you now, while I still can,I’ll walk away quick, you can’t have me man.But in a dilemma where I fail, it’s too late,I can’t move on, and you’ll claim it is fate.But you must realize eventually,that I can never love you really.I just don't feel that this flowed very well. I would change it to 'But you must realize, eventually, that we were never meant to be.' Or something like that. It flows more with the rhythm.you’re too false for my innocence,but to you it makes no sense.Love for you is as obvious as air is to me,but I can feel pain, and I’m not free.I can bleed and hurt and even die,while you just through eternities fly. I loved this line. I loved this line, bravo! You live for love,while I love to live.That red sky tonight, means the moon is on fire, and I’m caught and you’re my only desire.Your black eyes, reveals the lies,you’re not a beautiful angel,you’re a seducing demon.You’ll take me down soon, you son of the moon.Fantastic finish.

General opinion, I am very impressed. You are very talented and that is clear from you're clever choice of words and metaphors. Very good piece, the only thing I would say is watch out for the rhythm errors. Other than that, I find this poem absolutely mesmorizing. Well done!

Oh, thankyou guys for the great reviews. I can see now that this piece is full of errors, the rhyming do sound forced at many places... I wrote this awhile ago and just looked it through and thought it might be wort posting. I still think it was, but I will definately try to improve it. Thanxxx!

First of all...I love this!

Son of the moon

- Slightly edited -

That red sky tonight, means the moon is on fire.
Your black tongue, hints you’re a pretty little liar.
That pale skin of yours, as solid as stones,
means you’ll break my heart as you broke my bones. ----------------> I love this entire stanza!Very powerful imagery! However, I think

as you broke my bones

is somewhat out of place..

In a secret world in black and white
you’ll whisper lies as you hold me tight.
I’ll try to escape your hungry kisses,
I’ll realize now, we’ll never be Mr. and Mrs. [color=#FF0000I felt that this rhyme was a bit forced...perhaps you could try changing the line before it and replace "hungry kisses" with something that would give you a better rhyme...[/color]

I’ll forget you now, while I still can,
I’ll walk away quick, you can’t have me man.-----> Once again, the rhyme seems forced...changing the line prior to it would really make it easier for you..I'd make a suggestion but it's your work!
But in a dilemma where I fail, it’s too late,
I can’t move on, and you’ll claim it is fate.

But you must realize eventually,
that you and I aren't meant to be.
You’re too false for my innocence,
but to you it makes no sense.

Love for you is as obvious as air is to me,
but I can feel pain, and I’m not free.
I can bleed and hurt and even die,
while you just through eternities fly.

You live for love,
while I love to live.

That red sky tonight, means the moon is on fire,
and I’m caught and you’re my only desire.

Your black eyes, reveals the lies,
you’re not a beautiful angel,
you’re a seducing demon.
You’ll take me down soon,
you son of the moon.

I find this poem quite captivating overall, I only had problems with many rhymes that seemed very much forced on the poem...I think you find your strength in your imagery...so use that to your advantage!

Keep Writing !

Rita

Thank you so much for the great review. I know the rhymes are forced at times... I just get so mad when I get this great first line and then nothing will fit with it, sometimes I'm to stubborn to replace it to make it fit better with another line but.. yeh, it ruins the whole thing a little I guess. ^^