Bodies

Your hot hands like needles playing on my skin,
Scratching at my surface to see what I hide within.

Your hands underneath my clothes, underneath my skin,
Like bolts of lightening on untouched flesh.
But now the clouds are rolling in,
Your touch is wearing thin.

How I wish we could lie here forever
In the ground.
Two bodies, the cause of each other's decay.
I promise you, I wont make a sound.

I can feel, next to your body
My flesh begin to creep.
I need to wake myself up,
from this half awaken sleep.

You came to me falling with the rain.
Now it is the rain I must use to wash you away.
To remove the pain.

You are the best. I don't say this much, but I really liked this.

"Your moist hands (are) like rain playing on my skin. (comma)

Scratching (lower case--but does rain really scratch? how about "Probing", and if you use probing, then delete the "at")

at my surface to see what I hide within. (good start)

Your hands ("are" or how about an action, like "feel beneath," or "reach") underneath my clothes, underneath my skin

Like bolts of lightening on untouched flesh (awww., powerful)

But now the clouds are rolling in (I like this, but it's kind of awkward how you say the hands are rain and lightning, so wouldn't clouds be a good thing- I think you can take the clouds and make them good, which would be very original)

Your touch is wearing thin. (aww.)

How I used to wish we could lie here forever
In the ground (comma)

Two bodies, the cause of each (space) other's decay

I promise you, I wont make a sound. (Doesn't fit, continue the metaphor of decay throughout the stanza, don't give up on it)

I could feel next to your body (is it in past tense now)

My flesh begin to creep (you switch tenses again, MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!!!!)

I need to wake myself up (comma)

from this half awaken (awkward, how about "lucid", instead of "half awaken") sleep.

You came to me, falling with the rain (I thought they were the rain? Im confused)

Now it is the rain I must use to wash you away

To remove the pain." (Like, awww. good ending)

Very touching...tissues please...just make sure you don't compromise your own metaphor, as it is a good one. And if I missed the point, then disregard my review and curse my stupid name.

This was a very nice piece of fiction. I could've did the whole big edit thing but I'm sure another reviewer got to you!

I like the last line, about washing away the pain, that sounded very well and was my favorite part of the poem. You seem to have a nice gift for writing and I hope you pursue poemism It was sweet and I could've inserted "awwwwws" everywhere!

-- Delanie

Your moist hands like rain playing on my skin. "Playing?" Not really the right word.
Scratching at my surface to see what I hide within.

Your hands underneath my clothes, underneath my skin Too long.
Like bolts of lightening on untouched flesh ...Comma...
But now the clouds are rolling in Meh. Cliched. And this should end with a comma.
Your touch is wearing thin.

How I used to wish we could lie here forever
In the ground
Two bodies, the cause of eachothers decay "Each other's." Two words, with apostrophe S.
I promise you, I wont make a sound. "Won't." And this line is a bit bland.
What's up with the rhyme scheme? Why would you change it?
I could feel next to your body Now you're in past tense?
My flesh begin to creep These last two lines have such a cliched rhythm.
I need to wake myself up
from this half awaken sleep.
This stanza's rhyming is the same as the last one's, but the first stanza really needs to get with the flow.
You came to me, falling with the rain
Now it is the rain I must use to wash you away Too long.
To remove the pain.

Keep writing.

-Kafka

it was amasing,and almost sad <3 i almost wantedto know more about what,who, were and why but that gave it mistery and i love that. someof the lines were almost gory,and i liked that aswell,my theme is horror\romance, but this was actualy quite entertaingin in the way it was a romance yet put the love, as if it was bad almost painfull.

I like the way everyone can create their own little story about what this poem means

You are a beautiful writer. It was exquisite, and that's not a word I use very often. I loved the metaphors you used, especially the "But now the clouds are rolling in." It reminds me of a relationship I once had. Beautiful, besides the grammatical and tense-change mistakes. I love the storm references you used. And thank Jashin that it is not one of those lengthy poems with words I can't pronounce! I love the sweetness and sorrow in this. It is truly exquisite.

Your all amazing. thankyou!!!

I always love your poems so much, they're always so beautifully written..I really loved the first stanza, but then all the rest of it as well for your wordplay. Bravo

Woah, you are clearly very talented and I love this poem very much. This poem made me feel both warm "your hands underneath my clother" and cold "My flesh begin to creep". I really want to know more about what this poem is actually about but at the same time I enjoy that we can all interpret i differently. Good job!