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Happiness in its entirety,
Has hidden itself so well,
Never has it shown itself to man,
For fear that he would tell.
If he saw more than a peek,
How terrible it would be!
Not precious at all--but known to many,
Then give me misery!
Last edited by Ritaki on Sun Mar 06, 2011 8:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Hello! :)

Interesting poem. I quite liked its rhyming scheme; it gave the poem rhythm and made it easier to read, though I did notice a few problems!

I think you mean 'its' rather than 'it's':
Happiness in it's entirety


I found this verse a bit too long and it slightly disrupted the poem's rhythm. Perhaps you should cut this down a bit in terms of length:
Never has it shown itself to man


How comes 'Give' is capitalised? Is this personification or a mistake? I couldn't tell:
Then Give me misery!


Overall, I liked this poem. Keep writing!

Thien
‎"I dream my paintings, then I paint my dreams" - Van Gogh




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Woops! I wrote this quite a while ago and posted the unedited version! Thank you for pointing those out :) Made the changes...




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Hey Ritaki,
I thought that the voice that you gave yourself in this poem was really appropriate, but I didn't like what you are trying to say here. It didn't make to much sense to me. Yes, happiness can be hard to find, but to associate happiness with "If he saw more than a peek, How terrible it would be!" just does not make much sense at all. I think that maybe you should rethink that. I have no other criticizm. Keep up the good work!
-Alex
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This poem is really well written. I definitely agree that happiness is hardest to find for those who seek it most. I definitely think that this is man's greatest struggle. You do a great job of portraying that in this piece.




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Not precious at all -- but known to many,
Then give me misery!



Great poem, first of all and cute rhyme scheme :) I like the theme you added and I was about to be like "Entirety isn't a word," but dictionary.com proved me wroong! Anyways, I like this poem and the quote above is by far my favorite line of the poem :)

Thanks... I like this :)

Writing is a haven. Writing is a solitude. Writing is a passion.

-- Delanie Heart




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Hi Aki :)

Brilliant poem, and I have to nitpick to criticize it. Most of the reviewers have already done a good job of it.

I found this verse a bit too long and it slightly disrupted the poem's rhythm. Perhaps you should cut this down a bit in terms of length:
Never has it shown itself to man

This, try removing "has it" and that should improve the flow.

That's the only nit I could pick out of the poem, other than that it was really good :)

Keep writing :)
Splenig Metsackes Ink.
Flowing Scribble




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Hi Aki :)

Brilliant poem, and I have to nitpick to criticize it. Most of the reviewers have already done a good job of it.

I found this verse a bit too long and it slightly disrupted the poem's rhythm. Perhaps you should cut this down a bit in terms of length:
Never has it shown itself to man

This, try removing "has it" and that should improve the flow.

That's the only nit I could pick out of the poem, other than that it was really good :)

Keep writing :)
Splenig Metsackes Ink.
Flowing Scribble




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Gender Male
Points 3166
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Hi Aki :)

Brilliant poem, and I have to nitpick to criticize it. Most of the reviewers have already done a good job of it.

I found this verse a bit too long and it slightly disrupted the poem's rhythm. Perhaps you should cut this down a bit in terms of length:
Never has it shown itself to man

This, try removing "has it" and that should improve the flow.

That's the only nit I could pick out of the poem, other than that it was really good :)

Keep writing :)
Splenig Metsackes Ink.
Flowing Scribble




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 3166
Reviews 21
Hi Aki :)

Brilliant poem, and I have to nitpick to criticize it. Most of the reviewers have already done a good job of it.

I found this verse a bit too long and it slightly disrupted the poem's rhythm. Perhaps you should cut this down a bit in terms of length:
Never has it shown itself to man

This, try removing "has it" and that should improve the flow.

That's the only nit I could pick out of the poem, other than that it was really good :)

Keep writing :)
Splenig Metsackes Ink.
Flowing Scribble




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I love it. I really do. I am big on that sort of stuff. I think you should revise it, though. Make it more deep. But other than that small input I love it.




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Wow!!! I really liked reading your poem... You are right about happiness being difficult to find. My friend once told me "Happiness is like a butterfly. The more you try to catch it, the farther it goes. Just be quiet and it'll come to you."
Altogether, I quite liked reading it... :)
(:I'm going to live my life, or die trying... :)



He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.
— Fredrich Nietzche (Philosopher)