Barbie Girl...

I guess I came up with this one after meeting those seemingly flawless women who tear down everyone else because that image is all they've got.....

~*~ Barbie Girl ~*~
Maboline babies scream while mommy sings don't you wanna be pretty?
Hold your nose too high, they can't see you cry and act saditty
Pretend you'r better in a Prada pink sweater
Following your 'How To Be A Bytch" bible down to the letter
Talkin down to those less visually flawed than you
Never knowing that taboo shyt you spew in untrue
Like the less black you look, you're more likely to get a man
With colored contacts from a wig show and weaves from Japan
But I see all around you, these eyes are panaramic
I'm tryin to mold a new lady, I call it project ceramic
And though I love to hate you for hating me
I've got to shed light on eyes that can't see
What were doing is destroying the fibers that keep our people from division
Make a smarter decision so peace between women's wisdom becomes vision
And eternally restore the balance of the strong black family
So we don't have to look to the street for relatonships less damaging...


And oh! for those who have no idea what 'saddity' is, it's just another word for being conceided/stuck up =)

God that powerful and true did you did you misspell shite and Bitch deliberately. Apart form that seems generally a good poem keep it up.

Maboline babies scream while mommy sings don't you wanna be pretty?
Hold your nose too high, they can't see you cry and act saditty
Pretend you're better in a Prada pink sweater
Following your 'How To Be A Bytch" bible down to the letter
Talkin down to those less visually flawed than you
Never knowing that taboo shyt you spew in untrue
Like the less black you look, you're more likely to get a man
With colored contacts from a wig show and weaves from Japan
But I see all around you, these eyes are panaramic
I'm tryin to mold a new lady, I call it project ceramic
And though I love to hate you for hating me
I've got to shed light on eyes that can't see
What we are doing is destroying the fibers that keep our people from division
Make a smarter decision so peace between women's wisdom becomes vision
And eternally restore the balance of the strong black family
So we don't have to look to the street for relatonships less damaging...

Just a couple of mistakes i've highlighted. When it comes to the poem, the rhyming and rhythm was really good in my opinion. I thought it flowed really well. The way this poem was written really helps the reader understand your opinion. I really liked this!

great poem keep it up

Hola, Señorita.

Firstly, some of the imagery was exceptional. The "project ceramic" line in particular caught my eye, but it was very good as a whole.

Problems: rhythm. There were some lines that just about made it into a decent rhythm with the one after them, but for the most part, you were just making the line lengths random: "What were doing is destroying the fibers that keep our people from division" has 20, for example, while "Make a smarter decision so peace between women's wisdom becomes vision" has 19; "Pretend you'r better in a Prada pink sweater" has 12 syllables, while "Following your 'How To Be A Bytch" bible down to the letter" has 16. It's not even just the couplets, either - you've got to work harder at making the poem flow as a whole: you're not going to get away with a 8/8, 15/15, 13/13 kind of get-up. The line-lengths need a least a bit of standardising - read it out loud, making sure you use the same speed of reading for each syllable, and figure out how to cut some down to make it flow.

Punctuation: there's just not nearly enough of it. When you're dealing with a poem this high-powered, beathing space for the reader becomes even more important than usual - here, however, there's not a single end-stopped line except for the first one, and barely any punctuation mid-line either. The thing is, the reader isn't going to read this all through without taking a breath - it's a piece of poetry, not a piece of rap music, and you have to use punctuation a lot more frequently.

Other people have picked up on typos and stuff, so I won't bother with those - this is a very, very strong poem, it just needs a little more tweaking to make it... well, more poetic.

I guess when I write, I never try to make to rhymth perfect so I can see where you think it needs work. Plus this is my first draft. In any case, if I want to do something with this poem then maybe I'll revise it...Till then, THANX!

Here, I've put my suggestions in bold and my [comments] in brackets:

~*~ Barbie Girl ~*~
Maybelline babies scream while mommy sings don't you wanna be pretty?
Hold your nose too high, they can't see you cry and act saditty
Pretend you're better in a Prada pink sweater
Following your 'How To Be A Bytch" bible down to the letter
Talkin down to those less visually flawed than you
Never knowing that taboo shyt you spew is untrue
Like the less black you look, you're more likely to get a man
With colored contacts from a wig show and weaves from Japan
But I see all around you, these eyes are panoramic
I'm tryin to mold a new lady, I call it project ceramic [Awesome line!]
And though I love to hate you for hating me
I've got to shed light on eyes that can't see
What we're doing is destroying the fibers that keep our people from division
Make a smarter decision so peace between women's wisdom becomes vision
And eternally restore the balance of the strong black family
So we don't have to look to the street for relatonships less damaging...

This poem is so unlike anything I've ever written, so I can only make limited suggestions. I, personally, would like to see you extend the idea of a 'strong black family' more, either in this poem or another. That way you could contrast your vision of what it means to be a strong family and what it means to be a superficial Maybelline girl. Keep it up!