Love Suite Chapter Five, Six, Seven and Eight!

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Hiya! This is the edited version (Thanks to SmylinG!) Did I miss something? Just tell! :) Thank you!


CHAPTER FIVE

THE INVITATION

As Ismael walked along the seashore, speaking to a client on his cellphone, he noticed a woman sitting by the shore. The tiny waves of the shallow water were reaching at her toes.
"Let's talk about this when I get back in my office." There was a pause. "I'll be back next week. We can close the financial deal in my office. Goodbye."
He quickly walked toward the woman. It was Naddie. He sat down beside her as she looked at him, granting him a simple smile.
"Why are you alone, Naddie?" he asked as he brushed away a few strands of her hair, placing it neatly behind her ear.
Naddie sighed. "I just want to think about things."
"What things?"
"About my past."
"Marky."
She nodded. Ismael sat closer to her and placed her head on his shoulder.
"What about Marky, Naddie?"
"I think I shouldn't have done that."
"Done what?"
"Screamed and screamed when he kissed me, and.."
"You just did what was right, Naddie. If you hadn't done that, we would have never found out that he's satyriatic." He patted her shoulder.
"Have the psychologists cured him?"
"I guess so. I didn't see him getting that restless when he didn't.. you know."
"Do you know that I love Marky?"
"I don't know. But I can feel it. I can see it."
She looked up at him with her head still rested on his shoulder. "What?"
"You always ask me about him when he was sent to Germany, and you always worry if his psychological therapies are effective."
Naddie smiled. "I love Marky, but I am so afraid of him."
"What he did seven years ago gave you trauma?"
"I don't.. I don't know.. I could always see his eyes, fiery with hunger for sex. Like a predator who wanted to bite his prey."
"If you love Marky, cast away all your fears, Naddie. You were at the right age anyway."
Naddie sighed. She really wished she knew what to do.

Marky scoffed harshly as he stood behind that coconut tree. He had seen Naddie with Ismael by the seashore.
"How sweet," he uttered sourly as he bit his lower lip.
As he glanced at his right , he saw a girl staring at him. She looked familiar. He walked towards the girl who stood there. She wore a purple strapless dress.
"Hello," Ronnie smirked as she winced her brown hair.
"It's you again." Marky forced a smile.
"I can see that you're looking at the couple over there." She pointed to Ismael and Naddie with her thumb.
Marky shook his head. "They're not a couple."
"Really, huh? They look like one sweet couple to me." She crossed her arms.
He threw a sad look her way. "Can you help me out tonight, Ronnie?"
The girl looked happy. "What help do you want?"
"Just go to my suite tonight." Marky turned to leave.
Veronica turned to look at Ismael and Naddie, but she found Naddie stood so close to her. This made her gasp. They didn't notice that Naddie had left Ismael alone on the seashore, deciding to walk back to her suite when she heard the last conversation of Marky and Veronica.

Ronnie tried to make herself look both brave and sophisticated at the same time. She gently raised her eyebrow. Naddie bit her lower lip.
"Are you really going to his suite tonight?" Naddie asked softly.
She knew that Naddie was her opponent. Her greatest competitor for winning Marky's heart. "Yes. He invited me and I accepted his invitation."
Naddie nodded. "Is this your first time going to his suite?"
Ronnie scoffed. How could this girl act like Marky's wife? But she had to answer. "Of course. He just checked in this morning."
"If he tries to touch you. Don't let him," she said. And Ronnie understood exactly what Naddie meant by the word, touch.
That night, Veronica wore the sexiest dress she could find. She looked at Belinda who slept peacefully on the bottom part of the double-decked bed. When she was sure that no one would notice her, she quickly went out of their room and left.


CHAPTER SIX

CHAPERONE

Sandy's suite was just three doors away from Marky's suite. She decided to take some photo shots of the moon by the beach since she loved photography. She held her Canon camera and left her room. She locked the door and saw a woman standing next to Marky's door. She easily recognized who that person was. She slowly walked towards her. She was not noticed because the person was not to facing her direction.
She tiptoed and surprised Naddie as she went to tap her shoulder. Naddie gasped.
"Caught you!" Sandy whispered.
Naddie sighed in relief once she knew who it was. "Are you trying to kill me, Sandy?"
"Duh! What are you doing out here?" Sandy's eyes widened once she saw Naddie held a revolver gun in her hands. "Oh, Holy cow! What the shit is that?"
"Watch your mouth, Sandy." Naddie hated the word 'shit' . "I'm holding a gun."
The girl looked stupefied. "I know that that's a gun. But what are you planning to do with it?"
"I'll just scare that girl." Naddie looked around.
"That girl? Who?"
"I don't know!" Naddie shrugged her shoulders. "I just have to make sure that she's not going to have sex with Marky."
Sandy shook her head, "Oh, my! You're acting paranoid, Naddie!"
"We know that Marky's satyriatic."
"But we should not meddle about his sex life."
"But Sandy!"
"Look, Naddie," she held her shoulders, "Marky has recovered a little from his satyriatic case. He isn't that aphrodisiac-driven like the way he used to be, seven years ago."
"Now look at me, you ninny." Naddie shrugged away her hands from her shoulders. "He should be deprived of what's making him hyper over sex."
"It's a step by step process, Naddie. We shouldn't rush that."
"But Sandy!"
"You're saying but's again!" Sandy squealed.
"I've got to change that guy!" she squealed back.
"And step one is scaring the hell out of them with a revolver? That's so pathetic. You seem more desperate for Marky than desperate with helping him out of his psychological disorder!"
Naddie could have squabbled with Sandy, but she couldn't. Because there Marky stood -behind her. Sandy saw that scared look in Naddie's eyes. She turned and saw her cousin. He should have been offended or felt worse than that. But they had the wrong expectations. Marky nodded his head.
"So, it's me you're talking about," he spoke.
Sandy gulped. "S-Sorry, Marky."
"It's okay." He patted her head and shifted his look to Naddie's face. "And you wanted to help me, Naddie?"
Naddie gulped, too. What should she say?
"Naddie," he drew her attention back to him. "Do you want to help me?"
"If there's something I can do to help," she managed to say at last.
Marky smirked. "Good. You'll be my chaperone."
"Chaperone?" Sandy reacted. She was more disappointed than Naddie. Naddie was more focused on what else he was going to say.
"You see, I date the girls who ask me out. It's also obvious that some were flirting with me. All that you have to do, Naddie, is act like a body guard. When you know that I'm getting carried away, you'll try to handle the situation."
He's weirder than Naddie, Sandy thought to herself.
"Shoot," Naddie replied reluctantly.
Marky placed his hands inside the pockets of his pants. "Well, your job will start tomorrow. I just met Veronica at the seashore, and we already talked about our date. Be there, and don't expect me to have to come to your suite to call you on duty."
"Yes, Sir." Naddie sounded sarcastic. Marky pulled Sandy close to him and kissed her forehead.
"Good night." He glanced at Naddie. "Sleep tight, Ms. Paralejas."
He fitted the key to the keyhole and opened the door to his suite. He went inside and as he closed the door, the girls looked at each other. Neither of them could believe what had just happened.

CHAPTER SEVEN

COMPETITION

"What the-?" Belinda said when she saw Veronica in a swimsuit that morning.
"Eye-popping, huh?" she replied as she swirled around like a super model. "This swimsuit's really a life saver!"
Belinda crossed her arms. "Hah. Keep up that craziness and you'll be fired soon."
Veronica scoffed. "Stop acting like my mother, Belinda. I won't get fired. I took the night shift at the receptionist area."
"What? Sir Ismael told Mrs. Federal to assign two receptionists! Two people should be there."
"Well, I should inform you, that Mrs. Federal changed the rules," Veronica grinned. She took her faux Louis Vuitton and went on her way.
As she walked through the beach, she had a flashback of what had happened last night. She met Mark by the seashore.

"I thought I should go to your suite?" Ronnie asked.
"Not now. What's your name again?"
"Veronica. Call me Ronnie," she smiled.
"Yeah, Ronnie. I think I'll set a date for us tomorrow." He paused. He looked at her whole appearance. She appreciated that look of pleasure in his eyes.
"That's great!" she replied, "At which restaurant?"
Marky grinned, slightly emphasizing the dimples in his cheeks. "I'm not that typical guy who takes a girl out on a date at a restaurant. But I promise, you'll have fun."
That made her so excited. "Sure, Mark!"

Naddie gasped as she woke. Her alarm clock hadn't woken her, but the sunlight through the window did. She jumped out of her bed and stormed to her cabinet in search of fashionable clothes. She quickly found a sexy white dress and rushed to the bathroom.
It was already 7 A.M. by the time she got out of the bathroom. She paused for a moment to take a look at herself in the mirror.
"Oh, bother. My hair!" she groaned as she began combing through her wet hair with her fingers. She quickly applied some powder to her face and some red lipstick on her lips. Naddie was ready to go.

It was already 7:30 when Marky decided to leave his suite. He looked so gorgeous you could just die with his loose white polo and blue jeans. His wavy blond hair was gently tossed by the warm summer breeze as he set foot on the sandy seashore. His smile quickly faded away though once he saw two ladies who glared at each other.
"What are you doing here?" Veronica asked.
Naddie did an akimbo as she grinned. "Marky invited me here."
"How dare you to call him Marky!"
"Anyone who's close to him calls him Marky!" Naddie snapped.
Ronnie's jaws dropped for a second because she was speechless. After a while, she rolled her eyes.
He was quite used to being squabbled over by a lot of girls, but this instance was different. This made the devil smile. He walked closer.
"What's the fuss all about?" he spoke as he gained their attention.
Ronnie quickly tied her arm around Marky's arm. "That girl! She told me she's coming with us on our date!"
Naddie rolled her eyes and mouthed, 'what a drag' .
He held Ronnie's waist to pull her closer to him and whispered in her ear, "That's true, sweetie. I need a chaperone."
"What the-? You need a little twit to sabotage our date?"
Naddie pointed her finger at Ronnie as she looked at him. "Your girl is getting on my nerves, Marky! Have her mouth shut or I'll really sabotage your date!"
Marky grinned and returned his look at Ronnie. "Behave, sweetie. I need a chaperone, just in case I get too aggressive trying to kiss you." He touched her lips tenderly. "Or.. " he trailed off as he removed his hand from Ronnie's lips.
Ronnie clung her arms around his neck and smiled. "I like aggressive guys who want to be in control."
Naddie rolled her eyes, turning her back to them and folding her arms across her stomach. She was really beginning to hate being a chaperone. She turned her head once to glance at Marky. Their eyes met. He smirked as he let his nose touch Ronnie's nose. She quickly looked away. That devil really enjoyed flirting with that annoying miss who didn't even look sophisticated- no matter how hard she tried.

They rode on Marky's white yacht. It was actually a yacht that belonged to the Bella Amor resort, which was supposed to be used for rent. A mouth-watering set of breakfast meals was served there, but Naddie refused to eat with the two.
"Don't be a party-pooper, Naddie. Let's eat," Marky whispered into her ear while Ronnie had excused herself to the ladies' room before having breakfast.
"It's your date, remember? Eat on your own or I'll sabotage everything." She rolled her eyes.
Marky smirked. "You're getting jealous, huh?"
Naddie scoffed. "What the-? Do you want to get a kick in the ass?"
He grinned. "That's what I really like about you, Naddie. Your unbearable mouth."
After they ate breakfast, Marky took Ronnie to the deck of the yacht to let her view the ocean. The girl was amazed by the paradise before her very eyes. Marky stood behind her, placing his arms around her waist as they remained standing there. They talked a lot about Bella Amor and the ocean.
"I wish I were able to see this everyday," Ronnie said, as if she would die soon.
After a long silence, Marky turned his head. He saw Naddie on the opposite side of the deck. She sat by the white chair as she coolly sipped her tequila sunrise. She wasn't keeping an eye on them. She was staring intently at the beautiful view of the beach, smiling by herself.
"Smiling by herself? I think she has a cuckoo in the head," Ronnie grinned. That made Marky feel annoyed by her remark toward Naddie. But he also felt the same way toward Naddie for her obvious irritation to Ronnie.
"She just loves the beach. That always makes her smile," he replied to Ronnie. She looked at him with disbelief.
"Who's that girl to you? Why do you have to bring her with us?"
Marky grinned. He didn't want to answer that question. Maybe he would answer that when he knew the right time had come.
"Marky?" Ronnie spoke as she turned her head. In that position, their faces were merely inches apart. He remained frozen, while Ronnie was more tempted to kiss his lips. She pulled her head closer to him.
He gulped. He didn't want to kiss her, but could he ever refuse?
"Hold it," a voice interrupted them.
"Holy cow!" Ronnie growled as she turned to face Naddie. "She's going to kill us, Marky!"
Mark looked at Naddie. He got coward when he saw her revolver gun pointed to them.
"Shit, Naddie! You're going too far!" He was too nervous to move.
Naddie grinned. "You idiot, you're the one who's going too far."
"But it was just a kiss, I'm not...," he trailed off. He didn't want someone else to find out that he was a sex addict. "Alright." He stepped back to create a distance between he and Ronnie.
Naddie placed her gun back in her tote bag. "Very good, Marky." She threw another look at Ronnie. She raised an eyebrow while Ronnie glared at her. She turned to leave them.
"I hate that girl!" Ronnie whined to him.
"What should I do?" Marky asked her.
"Shoo her away!"
He sighed heavily. "I can't."
"If you don't do that, I'll leave you right now."
"Okay, leave." He shrugged his shoulders.
Last edited by cali34rniasummer on Wed Mar 09, 2011 5:41 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Every day is beautiful with a little arm stretch and a smile :)




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HOLY SHIT! GO NADDIE :)
I love that girl. Im not going to correct anythiung
because you seem to do fine on your own, more than fine!
Sorry for the useless reviews but i hope i
encouraged you :D
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Wow, you're making it very hard to have just one favorite chapter. Now I have three more favorite chapters. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I loved how you made Marky here. It was funny and sweet. And Naddie was great as well. You can really tell how crazy in love they are. I love this story. :) Naddie and her sex addict suitor. Great story.. great story. I thought this part was funny:

He got used to be squabbled over by a lot of girls but this incident was different. This made the devil smile. He walked closer.


This is what I mean by your way with words. It just flows effortlessly. I will be glad to run a full review on this for you as soon as I find the time. Which may be pretty soon. :) You'll know what exactly to edit because I will correct you in red. Easy to follow. Like this

He got (Change got to was) used to being squabbled over by a lot of girls(insert comma) but this incident(change the word incident to instance) was different. This made the devil smile. He walked closer.


Great job again! Be looking out for my full review. And if you like what I do, I would be glad to edit the others for you as well. :)
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---> summerlovee
+ so glad that you loved Naddie, I was imagining one specific girl that inspired me to 'create' Naddie :3 haha, never knew that I could make her lovable and how glad I am because you loved her! :)
+ it's okay if you really can't correct anything & I'm thankful for your feedbacks. Yes, they encourage me so much, summerlovee. :3

---> smyling
+ hello! I will be so happy if you'll help me with editing :3 I see how good you are in correcting "Mind Reader" and so, I believe that you're a good editor. :3 I will appreciate to get full reviews from you & telling me what to edit! I hope that my brain could absorb all the things I could learn from you and be a good at grammars someday! :3
Every day is beautiful with a little arm stretch and a smile :)




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Hello CS :) Back to do a full review on this for you. Hopefully my editing helps and you like my suggestions. Of course I do not want to change a thing you've written! But I will let you know if there's a sentence that confuses me. That way maybe I can help you rewrite it later on. Okay, here we go!

CHAPTER FIVE

THE INVITATION

As Ismael walked by the seashore and talked to a client on his cellphone, he saw a woman who sat by the seashore.(This sentence would sound better rewritten as: "As Ismael walked along the seashore, speaking to a client on his cellphone, he noticed a woman sitting by the shore.) The tiny waves of the shallow water reaching at her toes.
"Let's talk about this when I get back in my office." There was a pause. "I'll be back next week. We can close the financial deal in my office. Goodbye."
He quickly walked towards ("towards" should just be "toward") the woman. It was Naddie. He sat beside her and she looked at him. She granted him a simple smile. Change this last sentence to: "He sat down beside her as she looked at him, granting him a simple smile.)
"Why are you alone, Naddie?" he asked as he brushed some of her hair strands and placed it behind her ear. (Change sentence to: "he asked as he brushed away a few strands of her hair, placing it neatly behind her ear.")
Naddie sighed. "I just want to think about things."
"What things?"
"About my past."
"Marky."
She nodded. Ismael sat closer to her and placed her head on his shoulder.
"What about Marky, Naddie?"
"I think I shouldn't have done that."
"Done what?"
"Screamed and screamed when he kissed me(insert comma) and.."
"You just did what's(what was) right, Naddie. If you didn't do that,(If you hadn't done that,) we will never find out(we would have never found out) that(remove the word "that") he's satyriatic." He patted her shoulder.
"Have the psychologist("psychologists" -plural sounds better here.) cured him?"
"I guess so. I didn't see him getting that restless when he didn't.. you know."
"Did(Change "did" to "do") you know that I love Marky?"
"I don't know. But I can feel it. I can see it."
She looked up to(change "to" to "at") him with her head still rested on his shoulder. "What?"
"You always ask me about him when he was sent to Germany(insert comma) and you always worry if his psychological therapies are progressive." (Change "are progressive" to "are effective".)
Naddie smiled. "I love Marky, but I am so afraid of him."
"What he did seven years ago gave you a(take away the "a" here) trauma?"
"I don't.. I don't know.. I could always see his eyes, fiery with hunger for sex(.) Like a predator who wanted to bite his prey(.)"
"If you love Marky, cast away all your fears, Naddie. You were at the right age anyway."
Naddie sighed. She really wished she knew what to do.

Marky scoffed harshly as he stood behind that coconut tree. He saw(change to "had seen") Naddie with Ismael by the seashore.
"How sweet," he uttered sourly as he bit his lower lip.
As he glanced at his right side(remove "side"), he saw a girl staring at him. She looked familiar. He walked towards the girl who stood there. She wore a purple strapless dress.
"Hello," Ronnie smirked as she winced her brown hair.
"It's you again." Marky forced a smile.
"I can see that you're looking at the couple over there." She pointed (to) Ismael and Naddie with her thumb.
Marky shook his head. "They're not a couple."
"Really(,) huh? They look like one sweet couple to me(.)" She crossed her arms.
He threw a sad look at her.(You should change this to, "He threw a sad look her way.) "Can you help me out tonight, Ronnie?"
The girl looked happy. "What help do you want?"
"Just go to my suite tonight." Marky turned to leave.
Veronica turned to look at Ismael and Naddie(,) but she found Naddie stood so close to her. This made her gasp. They didn't notice that Naddie had left Ismael alone on the seashore(,) deciding to walk back to her suite when she heard the last conversation of Marky and Veronica.

Ronnie tried to make herself look both brave and sophisticated at the same time. She gently raised her eyebrow. Naddie bit her lower lip.
"Are you really going to his suite tonight?" Naddie asked softly.
She knew that Naddie was her opponent(.) Her greatest competitor for winning Marky's heart. "Yes. He invited me and I accepted his invitation."
Naddie nodded. "Is this your first time going to his suite?"
Ronnie scoffed. How could this girl act like Marky's wife? But she had to answer. "Of course(.) He just checked in this morning."
"If he tries to touch you. Don't let him," she said(.) And Ronnie understood exactly what Naddie meant by the word, touch.
That night, Veronica wore the sexiest dress she could find. She looked at Belinda who slept peacefully (on) the bottom part of the double-decked bed. When she was sure that no one would notice her, she quickly went out of their room and left.

I will review and edit the other chapters as well, I just figured I'd do them one at a time. Make it easier to focus on where exactly your writing could use improvement. As you can tell, I got a little lazy with some of the notes and began to just show in red what I corrected. :) I hope this was clear enough to understand so that you can edit your post for this chapter. Promise to be back to do the others in this section.

Sincerely,

SmylinG ;)
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Hello CS :) Here to edit some more. I'll just be putting in red the alterations I have made mainly. Easy peasy. Here we go.

CHAPTER SIX

CHAPERONE

Sandy's suite was just three doors away from Marky's suite. She decided to take some photo shots of the moon by the beach since she loved photography. She held her Canon camera and left her room. (I changed this sentence slightly. The word "suite" didn't sound right being used so frequently.) She locked the door and saw a woman standing next to Marky's door. She easily recognized who that person was. She slowly walked towards her. She was not noticed because the person was not to facing her direction.
She tiptoed and surprised Naddie as she went to tap her shoulder. Naddie gasped.
"Caught you!" Sandy whispered.
Naddie sighed in relief once she knew who it was. "Are you trying to kill me, Sandy?"
"Duh! What are you doing out here?" Sandy's eyes widened once she saw Naddie held a revolver gun in her hands. "Oh, Holy cow! What the shit is that?"
"Watch your mouth, Sandy." Naddie hated the word 'shit' . "I'm holding a gun."
The girl looked stupefied. "I know that that's a gun. But what are you planning to do with it?"
"I'll just scare that girl." Naddie looked around.
"That girl? Who?"
"I don't know!" Naddie shrugged her shoulders. "I just have to make sure that she's not going to have sex with Marky."
Sandy shook her head, "Oh, my! You're acting paranoid, Naddie!"
"We know that Marky's satyriatic."
"But we should not meddle about his sex life."
"But Sandy!"
"Look, Naddie," she held her shoulders, "Marky has recovered a little from his satyriatic case. He isn't that aphrodisiac-driven like the way he used to be, seven years ago."
"Now look at me, you ninny." Naddie shrugged away her hands from her shoulders. "He should be deprived of what's making him hyper over sex."
"It's a step by step process, Naddie. We shouldn't rush that."
"But Sandy!"
"You're saying "but's" again!" Sandy squealed.
"I've got to change that guy!" she squealed back.
"And step one is scaring the hell out of them with a revolver? That's so pathetic. You seem more desperate for Marky than desperate with helping him out of his psychological disorder!"
Naddie could have squabbled with Sandy(,) but she couldn't(.) Because there Marky stood -behind her. Sandy saw that scared look in Naddie's eyes. She turned and saw her cousin. He should have been offended or felt worse than that. But they had the wrong expectations. Marky nodded his head.
"So, it's me you're talking about," he spoke.
Sandy gulped. "S-Sorry, Marky."
"It's okay." He patted her head and shifted his look to Naddie's face. "And you wanted to help me, Naddie?"
Naddie gulped(,) too. What should she say?
"Naddie," he drew her attention back to him. "Do you want to help me?"
"If there's something I can do to help," she managed to say at last.
Marky smirked. "Good. You'll be my chaperone."
"Chaperone?" Sandy reacted. She was more disappointed than Naddie. Naddie was more focused on what else he was going to say.
"You see, I date the girls who ask me out. It's also obvious that some were flirting with me. All that you have to do, Naddie, is act like a body guard. When you know that I'm getting carried away, you'll try to handle the situation." (I changed the word "satyriatic" here)
He's weirder than Naddie(,) Sandy thought to herself.
"Shoot," Naddie replied bravely. (I think you could remove the word "bravely" here. Maybe replace it with "reluctantly". It sounds a little better here)
Marky placed his hands inside the pockets of his pants. "Well, your job will start tomorrow. I just met Veronica at the seashore(,) and we already talked about our date. Be there(,) and don't expect me to have to come to your suite to call you on duty."
"Yes, Sir." Naddie sounded sarcastic. Marky pulled Sandy close to him and kissed her forehead.
"Good night." He glanced at Naddie. "Sleep tight, Ms. Paralejas."
He fitted the key to the keyhole and opened the door to his suite. He went inside and as he closed the door, the girls looked at each other. Both of them couldn't (Change this part here to "Neither of them could". It flows a lot smoother.) believe what had just happened.

CHAPTER SEVEN

COMPETITION

"What the-?" Belinda said when she saw Veronica in a swimsuit that morning.
"Eye-popping, huh?" she replied as she swirled around like a super model. "This swimsuit's really a life saver!"
Belinda crossed her arms. "Hah. Keep up that craziness and you'll be fired soon."
Veronica scoffed. "Stop acting like my mother, Belinda. And Remove this "And".) I won't get fired(.) I took the night shift at the receptionist area."
"What? Sir Ismael told Mrs. Federal to assign two receptionists! Two people should be there."
"Well, I should inform you, that Mrs. Federal changed the rules," Veronica grinned. She took her faux Louis Vuitton and went on her way.
As she walked through the beach, she had a flashback of what had happened last night. She met Mark by the seashore.

"I thought I should go to your suite?" Ronnie asked.
"Not now. What's your name again?"
"Veronica. Call me Ronnie," she smiled.
"Yeah, Ronnie. I think I'll set a date for us tomorrow." He paused. He looked at her whole appearance. She appreciated that look of pleasure in his eyes.
"That's great!" she replied, "At which restaurant?"
Mark grinned. His dimples were slightly emphasized. Change this sentence her to, "Marky grinned, slightly emphasizing the dimples in his cheeks." I felt that sentence could use a little more oomph(: ) "I'm not that typical guy who dates a girl on restaurants. But I promise, you'll have fun." (Change the first sentence of what Marky says to, "I'm not that typical guy who takes a girl out on a date at a restaurant.")
That made her so excited. "Sure, Mark!"

Naddie gasped as she woke. Her alarm clock hadn't woken her(,) but the sunlight through the window did. She jumped out of her bed and stormed to her cabinet in search of fashionable clothes. She quickly found a sexy white dress and rushed to the bathroom.
It was already 7 A.M. by the time she got out of the bathroom. She looked at herself in the mirror. (Try changing this sentence to, "She paused for a moment to take a look at herself in the mirror.")
"Oh, bother(.) My hair!" she groaned as she began combing through her wet hair with her fingers. She quickly applied some powder to her face and some red lipstick on her lips. Naddie was ready to go.

It was already 7:30 when Marky decided to leave his suite. He looked so gorgeous you could just die with his loose white polo and blue jeans. His wavy blond hair was (gently) tossed by the warm summer breeze as he set foot on the sandy seashore. His smile quickly faded away though once he saw two ladies who glared at each other.
"What are you doing here?" Veronica asked.
Naddie did an akimbo as she grinned. "Marky invited me here."
"How dare you to call him Marky!"
"Anyone who's close to him calls him Marky!" Naddie snapped.
Ronnie's jaws dropped for a second because she was speechless. After a while, she rolled her eyes.
He was quite used to being squabbled over by a lot of girls, but this instance was different. This made the devil smile. He walked closer.
"What's the fuss all about?" he spoke as he gained their attention.
Ronnie quickly tied her arm around Marky's arm. "That girl! She told me she's coming with us on our date!"
Naddie rolled her eyes and mouthed, 'what a drag' . (This part here is so funny! Good job.)
He held Ronnie's waist to pull her closer to him and whispered in her ear(,) "That's true, sweetie. I need a chaperone."
"What the-? You need a little twit to sabotage our date?"
Naddie pointed her finger at Ronnie as she looked at him. "Your girl is getting on my nerves, Marky! Get her mouth shut (Tweak this part to, "Shut her mouth" or " Have her mouth shut.") or I'll really sabotage your date!"
Marky grinned and returned his look at Ronnie. "Behave, sweetie. I need a chaperone, just in case I get too aggressive trying to kiss you(.)" He touched her lips tenderly. "Or.. " he trailed off as he removed his hand from Ronnie's lips.
Ronnie clung her arms around his neck and smiled. "I like aggressive guys who want to be in control."
Naddie rolled her eyes(,) turning her back to them and folding] her arms across her stomach. She was really beginning to hate being a chaperone. She turned her head once to glance at Marky. Their eyes met. He smirked as he let his nose touch Ronnie's nose. She quickly looked away. That devil really enjoyed flirting with that annoying miss who didn't even look sophisticated -no matter how hard she tried.

They rode on Marky's white yacht. It was actually a yacht that belonged to the Bella Amor resort(,) which was supposed to be used for rent. A mouth-watering set of breakfast meals was served there(,) but Naddie refused to eat with the two.
"Don't be a party-pooper, Naddie. Let's eat," Marky whispered into her ear while Ronnie had excused herself to the ladies' room before having breakfast.
"It's your date, remember? Eat on your own or I'll sabotage everything(.)" She rolled her eyes.
Marky smirked. "You're getting jealous, huh?"
Naddie scoffed. "What the-? Do you want to get a kick in the ass?" (This is so funny. Great job with Naddie's character!)
He grinned. "That's what I really like about you, Naddie. Your unbearable mouth."
After they ate breakfast, Marky took Ronnie to the deck of the yacht to let her view the ocean. The girl was amazed by the paradise before her very eyes. Marky stood behind her(,) placing his arms around her waist as they remained standing there. They talked a lot about the Bella Amor resort and the ocean.
"I wish I were able to see this everyday," Ronnie said(,) as if she would die soon.
After a long silence, Marky turned his head. He saw Naddie on the opposite side of the deck. She sat by the white chair as she coolly sipped her tequila sunrise. She wasn't keeping an eye on them. She was staring intently at the beautiful view of the beach, smiling by herself.
"Smiling by herself? I think she's cuckoo in the head," Ronnie grinned. That made Marky feel annoyed by her remark toward Naddie. But he also felt the same way toward Naddie for her obvious irritation to Ronnie.
"She just loves the beach. That always makes her smile," he replied to Ronnie. She looked at him with disbelief.
"Who's that girl to you? Why do you have to bring her with us?"
Marky grinned. He didn't want to answer that question. Maybe he would answer that when he knew the right time had come.
"Marky?" Ronnie spoke as she turned her head. In that position, their faces were merely inches apart. He remained frozen(,) while Ronnie was more tempted to kiss his lips. She pulled her head closer to him.
He gulped. He didn't want to kiss her(,) but could he ever refuse?
"Hold it," a voice interrupted them.
"Holy cow!" Ronnie growled as she turned to face Naddie. "She's going to kill us, Marky!"
Mark looked at Naddie. He got coward when he saw her revolver gun pointed to them.
"Shit, Naddie! You're going too far!" He was too nervous to move. (This part is hilarious to me. I love Marky's reaction, hahha!)
Naddie grinned. "You idiot, you're the one who's going too far."
"But it was just a kiss, I'm not...," he trailed off. He didn't want someone else to find out that he was a sex addict. "Alright." He stepped back to create a distance between he and Ronnie.
Naddie placed her gun back in her tote bag. "Very good, Marky." She threw another look at Ronnie. She raised an eyebrow while Ronnie glared at her. She turned to leave them.
"I hate that girl!" Ronnie whined to him.
"What should I do?" Marky asked her.
"Shoo her away!"
He sighed heavily. "I can't."
"If you don't do that, I'll leave you right now."
"Okay, leave." He shrugged his shoulders.

There's more that I've edited that isn't in red, but that's just because It was a word I took out mostly. I hope you like the editing. I didn't really want to change anything! Just help with the flow of your work. You really are a wonderful writer. I hope you only get even better. :)
Paul is my little, evil, yellow bundle of joy.



Some people file their [tax] returns inside of a dead fish.
— John Oliver