Descendant - Chapter Two

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Chapter Two
The only light in the room was a lamp that flickered in the corner of the cramped room. Two chairs huddled close to the worn couch between them, their color clashing fiercely against the stained carpet. Eon sat on the couch, his mother to his right.

His father sat on the chair to their left, his face hidden by his hands. When he finally lifted it, he tried desperately to meet Eon’s eyes. Instead, Eon faced forward, his jaw clenched tightly.

“Eon,” his father’s voice spoke, pleading with his son to understand. “I had to tell you this. I want you to understand.” Eon’s hands tightened into fists. His mother placed her own hand on his, trying to relax him. It only caused his fists to tighten further.

“Please, Eon,” this time, the voice cracked. “I’m still your father.” At this, Eon jumped up from the couch. It took him two steps to cover the space between himself and the man he had spent the past ten years believing to be his father.

“You are a follower of the devil. You sinned,” he said, venom lacing each word, “and I must pay for this?” The light flickered, casting a shadow over Eon’s already dark skin. It gave the young boy a menacing look.

“My angel,” his mother’s voice pleaded from behind, “listen to what your father is saying. He made one mistake, many years ago. He never meant to harm anyone.” The nickname seemed ironic to Eon, after what he’d just been told. It wasn’t her fault though. He wouldn’t blame her.

Instead, his eyes remained locked with his father’s. “Tell me, when will they come?”

His father shook, whether from fear or sorrow, Eon neither knew nor cared. The man remained silent, further frustrating Eon. He grabbed the collar of his shirt, forcing him out of the chair and into the wall mere feet behind them.

“Tell me!” he demanded, anger fueling his strength. His forearm pressed into his father’s throat, forcing out a croak. Eon was so focused on him that he was caught off guard by a small shriek from his mother. His grip loosened, and he shifted away from his father slightly.

It was his first mistake, one that would be followed by many more. Something cold pierced his shoulder: something clearly intended to sink into his heart, but thrown off by the shaking of the hand that held it.

Eon turned to look at his father, the knife sliding further down as he did so. His father looked at him with a face twisted by a wave of emotions.

“Why?” Eon managed, his breathing labored by the pain. Once again, the man was silent. In a rage, Eon pushed himself back, stumbling as he did so. Warmth spread over his shoulder as blood slowly seeped from the still-embedded dagger. He tripped over the cord of the small lamp, tearing it from the socket and sending the room into darkness.

A spark clung to the curtains, feeding desperately and growing into hungry flames. The room glowed brighter as the flames seemed to create a wall between Eon and the most obvious escape. He turned back to where his parents had been, only to see he’d been deserted.

Desperately, he ran to the door they must have gone through. His right hand grabbed hold of the brass, but it was useless. The handle refused to give in to him, and each shake only sent pain to his shoulder. He was trapped.

>>>>>


Eon’s eyes fluttered open, bringing him back to present day. He shook with the pain, the betrayal, the anger.

He turned on the faucet and filled his cupped hands to the brim. The water hit his face with an icy vengeance, whisking away the confusion that had slid into place on his features. He’d felt so hurt by the way his family had treated him. They’d acted as if he was the one who had brought the trouble into the house.

Yet, here he stood. Alive. It was more than he could say for his mother and father. Why he was alive, and neither of them had survived would perhaps forever remain a secret to him.

Slowly, the breath slipped from his lips in a way that seemed to release the anger that had been building since he’d thought of his father earlier while fighting with Kiel. He turned away from the mirror, removing the rest of his clothes before washing the rest of his emotions down the shower drain.

After he had showered, he made his way to his bed. He hadn’t lied to Kiel. Their fighting had worn him out. It was going to be a long day tomorrow, anyway. The first day of school never failed to be a long one, especially in smaller towns. The stares and the whispers, the curiosity and questions – they all built up to be rather tiring indeed.

His eyes slipped shut, his last thought a silent prayer that he would sleep without memories clawing their way in.

Spoiler
Note: I foresee this being nitpicked, so I want to just include a note about something here. If you read chapter one, you know Eon is only 10 years old in this flashback. You may think what I've done here (the strength he has, the way he acts) is too mature for such a young boy. Please remember he isn't completely human and has quite a temper. Maybe no one would have said anything, but I didn't want anyone getting caught up with that. ;) Now, critique away! Its the first writing of it, so all help is appreciated.
Last edited by Tayler on Sat Mar 19, 2011 3:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Hey there,
Normally I hate to jump in and comment on the second chapter before I've read the first but this was a must. There is a very intriguing story here but unfortunately it is hiding behind a mask of grammatical mistakes. There are quite a few errors you might fix. Here are a few I noticed.

"The only light in the room was a lamp that flickered in the corner of the cramped room"- You don't need to mention "room" twice in this sentence. Try to avoid such repetition because the reader is already aware of where the scene is. So use 'here' more often.

"Two chairs huddled close to the worn couch between them, their color clashing fiercely against the stained carpet".- This is a very faulty sentence. First of all, animals huddle but the word huddle is not used much for objects. It is a bit awkward so I suggest use words like 'crowded together' or anything other than huddle to describe objects. Secondly, colors clash "with" not "against" so you might want to think of changing that so the sentence is clearer.

"The only light in the room was a lamp that flickered in the corner of the cramped room. Two chairs huddled close to the worn couch between them, their color clashing fiercely against the stained carpet. Eon sat on the couch, his mother to his right".- This entire paragraph was very faulty. You have to go over it, construct the sentences better.

'“Eon,” his father’s voice spoke'- You are giving the voice life and that is incorrect because voices don’t speak, people speak using their voices. So try and revise this because it is a very awkward sentence.

"Why he was alive, and neither of them had survived would perhaps forever remain a secret to him".- Here the word ‘mystery’ is more fitting. So replace ‘secret’ with ‘mystery’ for this sentence to flow more and so that it doesn’t turn people’s grammatical-error radars on.

So just fix up those little errors. And be a bit more vivid with your descriptions, use more gripping words, think completely outside the box and you'll find yourself taking this story where it deserves to go. Your keyboard/pen will lead you, don't worry you'll do great.
Keep writing!!!
Bravo!
xxx Upile xxx




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Here I am again!

The most obvious problem with the flashback is Eon's voice. He speaks and moves about as if he were, like, 20. I am aware that you put a little note about that in the beginning, but it doesn't matter that he has special powers. It doesn't sound right. Read this through and try to imagine a ten-year-oldsaying and doing all that.

And then there's the fact that his father attempted to kill him. This is really weird as well. Early on, they didn't seem to be on particularly bad relations. And then, wham, a knife's sticking into his shoulder. What's with that? And how could anyone be heartless enough to try to murder a ten-year-old? Perhaps this will come to mean more as the story progresses, but don't you think that's a bit eccentric anyway? At least, that's how it sounded to me.

You're going to need to describe that knife scene more. Not describe, but add some emotion to it. Some pain. Having special powers isn't a universal excuse for everything. Keep that in mind.

So. I'm sorry if this sounded harsh. It's just how I roll. Believe it or not, I really enjoyed this.

-Kafka
#TNT

WRFF




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Hey there Tayler!

Ok, first off, spoilers are great, but I suggest you put this at the end of your chapter. Because the whole time, we're really paying attention to how he's acting, instead of concentrating on the ebb and flow of the story.

That being said, I agree with what everyone said. He's acting too old, way too old. What doesn't help is that we don't really get to know him before, so we have no idea if he's always been this mature, you know?

Also, where are the parents? Eon says they disappeared when he tried to make it out the door. How did they make it out? How did the flames spread so fast? How did he go from collapsing from the knife wound, to running to the door? How did he get out?
And why are his thoughts on school and how harsh the other kids will be, when he just found out his father is a devil-worshipper, tried to kill him, and now his parents are dead?

I think this chapter doesn't flow as well as the previous ones. I think you should go back and rewrite it, slowly and carefully. I would be delighted to reread it, if you edit it.

LEt me know when you post more.

Tanya :D




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Okay, so just going to post this here. First, thank you much for the reviews. :D

I will say, he is supposed to sound very mature for his age, which will (hopefully) make more sense as you get to know him. I have a ten year old stepbrother, and in no way does he act like that...but, I have also seen even younger children act way more mature.

Also, there is more. This is just the second chapter, and I promise you get to know more of Eon's past later. That pieces together where the parents went, who they were, why his dad stabbed him, how he gets out, etc. Plus, this is all approximately 8 years ago. ;)

That being said, I do intend to rewrite parts using the critique (as I did with Chapter 1). The critique is very helpful, so thank you! :D




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Hey again.

This chapter definately keeps up the high quality that the first has, so well done. I see that most things have been picked up already so i'll be brief. Your description was very good, the setting, the emotion, all well done. The only area where I would improve would been in the fight at the start. Perhaps show his mother's reaction of Eon's show of strength. Is this the first time he's done this? If so then show his suprisement too at what the can do. Its very small and could probably be ignored, but it's just something I though could be improved.

Keep up the good work and I'll be moving onto chapter three soon. :)
Hwær cwom mearg? Hwær cwom mago?
Hwær cwom maþþumgyfa?
Hwær cwom symbla gesetu?
Hwær sindon seledreamas?



attempting foot extraction
— Mea