Can't

I can't see it.
Can't feel it either.
My soul is lost, in a torrent of pain.

It's breaking up, bit by bit.
It's slowly dying, from a deadly fever.
My heart is torn, sliced by the falling rain.

I don't know where I'm going.
I hate myself for not knowing.
My mind is broken, wires frayed with time.

They're a mess, a jumble of feelings.
A cryptic maze with too low ceilings.
My emotions are dead, an unspoken rhyme.

I can't.

Hi! This is a good poem, in my opinion, but it seems very, well, I don't know how else to put it, emo. You're complaining about how your feelings are hurt, and bla bla bla, putting it into fancy metaphors with big words. Let's just say, it's been done many times before. This isn't necessarily a problem, but you could do it in different ways and bring fresh game to the field, if that makes any sense. I hope this helped!

Hello. I am MilkNCookies, and I will be reviewing this fine poem for you.

tinkembell wrote:I can't see it. It. That's sort of vague. what about something like 'the fire crinkling against my skin' or 'the ice sliding down my skin'.
Can't feel it either. If you change the first bit, you'll be fine here.
My soul is lost, in a torrent of pain. <3

It's breaking up, bit by bit.
It's slowly dying, from a deadly fever.
My heart is torn, sliced by the falling rain. Again, <3 the entire stanza.

I don't know where I'm going.
I hate myself for not knowing.Here, you start a rhyme. Have it or don't have it, it seems sort of strange to me if it varies.
My mind is broken, wires frayed with time. frayed... the word seems a bit off. try 'decrepit/dilapidated' or something simpler like 'broken/worn down'

They're a mess, a jumble of feelings.
A cryptic maze with too low ceilings. Rhyme again.
My emotions are dead, an unspoken rhyme. <3

I can't. If you say 'I can't', then I suggest changing the title to 'I can't' as well. But it's your choice.

Overall: I really like this. It's a tad cliche, but it's still good. It's nice, though a bit unexplained. It has the potential to be a super-duper-trooper poem if you made it longer. Keep in mind that my opinions are just that- opinions. I couldn't find any grammatical mistakes, or things that absolutely must be fixed. This was a very good poem, and I envy your skills!

~MNC

Hello I read your poem, and I think you did a great job overall. Although something with the rhyme scheme seemed a tad off to me. I can't quite place my finger on what, because I really did enjoy reading what you had written. My favorite lines were these:

I don't know where I'm going.
I hate myself for not knowing.

This was simple, but I feel it added a lot of spice, all in the same, to your poem and the direction you were going with it.

I just have to say I liked this poem it's really good. Keep writing!

Hey Snickerdooly here, I really liked this poem it had a lot of feeling in it and great descriptions! I think you should have it rythme a bit more to keep the flow going, my edits and comments are in blue.

I can't see it. In the following 4 lines I think you should add more rythme to it because the second half has more.
Can't feel it either.
My soul is lost, in a torrent of pain.
It's breaking up, bit by bit.
It's slowly dying, from a deadly fever.
My heart is torn, sliced by the falling rain. This line is my favorite! I love the way you describe how rain can slice you heart
I don't know where I'm going.
I hate myself for not knowing.
My mind is broken, wires frayed with time. Another great description!
They're a mess, a jumble of feelings.
A cryptic maze with too low ceilings. Maybe add, "with too low of ceilings. Just in order to make it flow more smoothly.
My emotions are dead, an unspoken rhyme.
I can't. I feel like this poem is so good and descriptive and so... full of emotion and feeling that this last line of the poem, "I can't." Just doesn't live up to what you've been telling us about. So I suggest you add more description to this, and I know poetry is suppose to be no fluff and just the meaning of it but this is just what I think.

Overall I loved this poem with the incredible way you describe the feelings and how it flows really nicely and smooth!
Peace,
Snickerdooly

Hy!
I will review this poem , aparently.
I like it, I really do , but I think the flow is kind of messed up due to all the full stops.. I would have used more commas, to keep the poem flowing.
The scenery and atmosphere are really well brought up, I could see the whole action.
Ignoring all the downs ( very few ) , it is a really good poem.
Good job!

Hey there, Tinkem. I'm here to review. ^^

This is such a heartbreakingly sweet little poem. Honestly, it almost made me cry. But I love it for that. It flows somewhat fragementedly, but that's a good thing. And the rythym is off, but I like that. I truly never did like perfection. And the imagery is amazing! Brilliant. Beautifully broken. And I love it. ^^

As for nitpicking. Sadly, I have none. It's fine just the way it is. I love how you ended it, on a "I can't." Such a strong and emotional ending. And it works. I'm afraid to say, I can't hate it, not one bit. The poem is amazing. And I truly adore itm Tinkem. *clicks like* Thank you for the beautifully amazing poetry! Remember, keep it up and never stop writing!

~Scar. ^^

This poem has a rather depressed sort of feel to it. With the lost souls and all that.
But it's still really good.
There's a bit of subtle rhyming here and there.
I rather like it.

Hey tinkem! Sporks here for a review.

Hm. I can't say I'm a huge fan of this kind of poetry. The angsty thing has been done a lot before. That's not necessarily a bad thing, because you can always tackle the theme in a unique manner. You didn't really do that here. I think, though, it was well-written. It just doesn't stand out yet. I think by taking on a different angle, you can make it quite good.

Good luck!

Spork

I actually thought that this is pretty good. It's a good example of how to say more with less words.

One tiny thing:

I can't see it.
Can't feel it either.
My soul is lost, in a torrent of pain.

You don't need a comma there.

Also, this is the line which had the strongest impoact on me:

My heart is torn, sliced by the falling rain.

The words you used are well-chosen, you've used a wide range of vocabulary. All in all, I liked it. There's not much I can say about it as long as I did not find any errors.

It's good, but very gothic - it didn't exactly make me feel happy and good lol

good write but makes me kinda depressed
But I guess that's why it's really good..
like it!

You can really feel the emotion in this poem. I love poems like that, and this one is just great! I'm sure there are plently pf people who caan relate to this, and we all like things we can relate to. (Or a least I do ) I loved the entire thng, but overall my favorite line/verse or whatever was,

"I don't know where I'm going.I hate myself for not knowing."

I relate to that one most... anyways loved it, keep writing!

You sly people. >.< You post your stuff right before review day, and then just sit back and let the reviews pile up. Gah, I keep reminding myself to do that, but I ALWAYS. FORGET. Anywho. Here's that review.

I can't see it.
Can't feel it either. Major meh. Totally unpoetic.
My soul is lost, in a torrent of pain. Whoa. Suddenly a really long line.

It's breaking up, bit by bit. Are you talking about the soul? And "bit by bit" is pretty cliched/annoying.
It's slowly dying, from a deadly fever.
My heart is torn, sliced by the falling rain. Again, too long for me.

I don't know where I'm going.
I hate myself for not knowing. Wait. Suddenly there's a rhyme scheme? Ah, now I see the other one. But that's the problem. Well, there's two. 1) Never try to extend a rhyme scheme over two different stanzas, and 2) always stick with the same rhyme scheme throughout. If you don't, the only thing you achieve is confusing the reader.
My mind is broken, wires frayed with time.

They're a mess, a jumble of feelings. You switch from plural to singular. Please decide which you want.
A cryptic maze with too low ceilings.
My emotions are dead, an unspoken rhyme.

I can't.

I can never think of things to say after I do a review. So....

-Kafka