School time dreaming

You dream at school as a way to escape
As a way to pass time
Wishing to take on a new shape
You catch a boys eye, both to shy to say hi
So you walk on by
If only you had siad something
Mabey if i had stepped up to the task
Worked up all the courage just to ask
So stop dreaming and wake up
Rather then sulking around like a love struck pup

Hello there,
It seems like u are a first timer. I like the way your poem flows and think its sweet but there are a few errors I thought I should mention. :
You dream at school as a way to escape
As a way to pass time
Wishing to take on a new shape
You catch a boys eye, both to shy to say hi -here you need to put an apostrophe after 'boy' and before 's'
So you walk on by
If only you had siad something - here I think you mean 'said' not 'siad'
Mabey if i had stepped up to the task - I think here you mean 'maybe' not 'mabey'
Worked up all the courage just to ask
So stop dreaming and wake up
Rather then sulking around like a love struck pup

Also in that 7th line you switched people, instead of speaking in the send person as in 'you', you started speaking in the first person by using 'I'. If it is the character thinking you might wana put that in quotes but if it is still you talking then you might want to say "maybe if you stepped up to the task". Just correct that bit, polish it up and it'll be grand.
Bravo! Keep writing.
xxx Upile xxx

----> on both are too shy, switch [to] to [too]
----> This poem is good if not only for those typographical oopsies such as the way you spelled "maybe". You must be in a rush while typing that

love,
CS

I like they way you rhymed this poem and the flow is good too.
Ignoring some "oopsies" (xD) it is really good, the theme chosen being kind of , lets say , usual.
The guy and the girl seeing themselves for the first time , not knowing what to do. It's cute.
Maybe more emotion? Still , for a first timer it's good.
Keep writing.

Hey! I'll be your reviewer for this poem.
I'll start with grammar and then move on to my overall opinion ok? Ok.
--->>>>

RED is mistakes,corrections and bits I didn't like or that didn't make sense.
PINK for bits I enjoyed.

awritersheshallbe wrote:You dream at school as a way to escapeI really love this opening. Its so sincere and somehow, it held a lot of depth.
As a way to pass time
Wishing to take on a new shape
You catch a boys eye, both to shy to say hi
So you walk on by
If only you had siadsaid something
MabeyMaybe if i had stepped up to the task
Worked up all the courage just to ask
So stop dreaming and wake up
Rather then sulking around like a love struck pup

Ok. The poem was short and sweet with a lovely structure. I loved your whole idea, I thought it was unique and geniunely beuatiful. It's how me and I think a lot of other people, feel at school. You really captured the 'dream your life away in school' kind of thing. It was good and I enjoyed your plot line.

Your rhyming scheme was weird. At the start you didn't use rythme and then you did. Most of the rythme that you did use wasn't for good even at that. *Sorry for being harsh*
For instance, have a look at the beginning. It has no rythme and yet is was beautiful/ It had depth and meaning and it was truely enjoyable. Wehn you begna to rythme it looked like you were trying to hard, like it was too much of an effort. I think either delete [all the rythme or use it in all the lines/stanza's.

I would like to know more about the way the MC feels for the boy. We know they're shy but so what? Does her herat beat? Don't tell us these things. Show us these things.

Other then that it was good. Your title didn't do anything for what a poem this is but I don't really have any other suggestions so I'm sorry for that.

I did enjoy this, and I think with some editing this could be good,great even!

Keep writing
Kaka xo

Hey! Stella here!

You dream at school as a way to escape
As a way to pass time
Wishing to take on a new shape
You catch a boys eye, both to shy to say hiboy's, too shy
So you walk on by
If only you had siad something said
Mabey if i had stepped up to the task Maybe
Worked up all the courage just to ask
So stop dreaming and wake up
Rather then sulking around like a love struck puplovestruck

Okay, firstly, you need to proofread things before you show them to anyone- that way you seem much more professional and people are more likely to take you seriously! Secondly, I think you need to decide who you're addressing and who is speaking- the two seem to sort of meld together and it's just not working particularly well. Make your voice definite- is it the girl herself or an onlooker? And who is speaking in the two lines beginning "Maybe"

After that, I think you could step up the detail a little. She dreams in school as a way to escape- to escape from what? The boy, is it just a random boy whose eye she happens to catch? Make the girl a real person. Otherwise the poem's a little lost on the reader.

Apart from that, I loved the idea of her dreaming in school, the anticipation of speaking to him and then not. It's good- just needs polishing.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

Hey there! Just a quick review.

You dream at school as a way to escape
As a way to pass time
Wishing to take on a new shape

I thought these three lines were quite nice, so I'd like to point them out.

You catch a boys eye, both to shy to say hi
So you walk on by
If only you had siad something

An apostraphe after 's' for 'boys'. 'To' should be 'too', and 'siad' should be 'said'. So..
You catch a boy's eye, both too shy to say hi
So you walk on by
If only you had said something

Mabey if i had stepped up to the task
Worked up all the courage just to ask
So stop dreaming and wake up
Rather then sulking around like a love struck pup

'Mabey' should be 'maybe', and you changed your 'you's to an 'I' all of a sudden. You should stick to 'you'. I think putting a comma after 'task' and 'up' would help with the pace. Oh, and I'd suggest removing 'all' in the second line of the above quote. It makes it shorter and sweeter, but it's just my opinion.
Maybe if you had stepped up to the task,
Worked up the courage just to ask.
So stop dreaming and wake up,
Rather then sulking around like a love struck pup

Liked the ending.
Keep writing!

Hey, I'm Amie and I'll be reviewing your poem today.

Everyone's already covered the grammatical and spelling mistakes so I won't go into that. But like Stella said, it's a good idea just to proofread your work before posting then all the minor discrepancies can be ironed out and people can concentrate on reviewing the actual piece as a whole.

This is a cute poem, though at the moment I think it lacks depth. You should explore this more, maybe try and make it so that the reader feels shy when the MC does. Really bring out the feelings.

I must admit I'm a little confused - not entirely sure if that's my own fault or not! Is she dreaming through this when she's looking at the boy and if not what relevance do the boy and the dream have to one another?

There are some nice moments in this.
Keep writing
-Amie

Hey there, awritersheshallbe. I'm here to review your poetry. ^^

First off. I like it. It's short and sweet. And very cute. ^^ The flow and rythym aren't perfect, but that doesn't matter. It works here and that's what matters. At least, to me. I have never been a fan of perfection. (Seriously, take a look at a magizine...bet you half the pics are photoshopped >.>) The imagery is kinda cute here, amazing too. But definitely kinda cute. I like it.

Nitpicks; I shall edit it in red, since I've been reviewing a lot today. (Sorry about the copy/paste. For some reason, the 'quote' button isn't showing up today x.x)

"You dream at school as a way to escape
As a way to pass time
Wishing to take on a new shape
You catch a boys eye, both to shy to say hi Wrong 'to' here. It should be 'too'. Yes? Also, Boy's eye. *nods*
So you walk on by
If only you had siad something Spelling mistake here, 'said'
Mabey if i had stepped up to the task Capitalize your i's when using it at the start of a sentence or referring to the narrator. Also. Spelling mistake "Maybe"
Worked up all the courage just to ask
So stop dreaming and wake up
Rather then sulking around like a love struck pup"

Personally, I would add punctuation here. Commas and full stops. You know, that kind of stuff. And now I have no more nitpicks. Other than that, it's good. Overall, Awriter, you have a beatiful, sweet and very cute poem here. I truly adore it. *clicks like* Thank you for the beautifully sweet and cute little poem, Awriter. I really do love it. Remember, keep it up and never stop writing!

~Scar.