Where Are You?

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Hi HaydenMcaw.

I like this poem but I think it could improve.

Firstly, I don't think that the repetition does much for this poem. Repetition is hard to pull off and it does not do anything instead make it feel a bit boring.

Secondly, I think you could be a little more complex in your writing. It's kind of straight forward and simple and I think you could bring some more complexity to it.

But I do really like your last line

"I could still feel
Sorrow
Devouring my soul"

It's lovely.

In conclusion it has a lot of potential, but needs some work. Keep Writing!

For a neat and simple poem I liked it a lot. It expressed a lot of emotion. In the future you may decide to go deeper, but I digress from the previous reviewer as not all poems need to be complex. There's plenty of popularly simple works. I do agree however that the repetition scheme your using could be improved as time progresses. None-the-less, a nice post.

I opened my eyes this morning
Just like I always do
I opened my eyes this morning The repetition here does little justice in terms of the point you are attempting to make. Especially since opening one's eyes in the morning is such a trivial action.
But the problem was
This time Too short. Breaks the rhythm.
The sky was black instead of blue

I opened my eyes this morning Again. Repetition issue. Like Gracie mentioned, repetition is a tough thing to execute, and it does not really work here.*
But my heart stayed closed Uh, how does that work?
If I opened my heart You're using "heart" too much.
I knew that the dark
Would tarnish all the hope I had left
And leave only a great gaping hole These last two lines really do not fit into the rhythm. The penultimate one needs to be shorter.

When I opened my eyes this morning*
My life was still my life Well, that's pretty obvious. What else is it going to be, a llama? Be metaphoric here. It's the perfect opportunity.
The world kept on spinning ‘round Try to think of another way to say that life continued as it always did. This is a bit cliched.
But the colors just weren’t
Quite as bright

I opened my eyes this morning*
And most everything was just the same This line really needs to be thoroughly redone. It's the wording that throws it all off.
Except you weren’t there to hold my hand
And nothing was the same Well, you just said that everything was the same, so I'm really not sure what to believe.
Because you weren’t there to hold my hand
And walk me through the rain

When I opened my eyes this morning*
My heart stayed closed
And even though it numbed my mind Long line. Break this down a bit.
I could still feel
Sorrow
Devouring my soul

Well. There you go. Keep writing.

-Kafka

Personally, I think it's perfect, if you re-wrote. Just kidding. You pulled off repetition rather well. The only thing that I really don't like is the "black instead of blue" line. It was predictable and expected. The subject however, is a bit overdone, but thats on a different matter on a higher level(thinking in terms of classification). Don't try repetition again unless your confident. And, don't let a tired, lonely, and dark minded pre-teen kill a writing spirit.

Overall, good work.

PS: Welcome to YWS. We're not all this dark and depressing, some of us are actually good people(ie, not me , and some of us are crazy and eccentric(ie, me(and some of us keep rambling, ie me))).

PSS: After finally reading Kafkaescence's review, I've made a new thought: Stray away from any words you may think are "required" in poetry(like heart, you used it way too much, change it, but keep the repetitive structure). No requirements here in the world of poetry. (Wow, sorry I sound like a conceited brat who thinks he's all that :I)

--Shadowknight155

Hi Hayden! Sporks here to review.

To be honest, I'm not going to pretend to be a poetry expert, but I kind of liked the repetition used here. It kind of links it all together. While I agree that it's tough to pull off, I think you did a well-enough job. While there is room for improvement, of course, it's not some disaster. :]

Since I'm not a poetry person, I won't go on about the structure. Kafka caught that one very well.

The theme, however. I don't think it's overdone. This is highly personal subject matter. While lots of poets write "personal" poems, since they're all about different people/situations/etc., they're automatically unique.

I liked it. :]

Keep on trucking!
Sporks

Hey there, HaydenMacaw. I'm here to review your poetry.

First off, nitpicks. Only one;

"I opened my eyes this morning
And most everything was just the same
Except you weren’t there to hold my hand
And nothing was the same
Because you weren’t there to hold my hand
And walk me through the rain"

You've used "hold my hand" twice here and it seems to damage the flow. Perhaps tinkering with the words here may help the poem? No more nitpicks, as I said. There was only one.

Other than that, this is a brillaint poem. And I love it. The flow is somewhat fragement, but I like it that way. The rythym is off, but that doesn't matter to me. It works just fine exactly how it is. The imagery is wonderful and paint such a vivid picture. I like it. Very much. I adore it. Overall, a brilliant poem you have here. I'm definitely clicking on like! *clicks like* Thank you for the wonderful poem, Hayden. I'd love to see more. Remember, keep it up and never stop writing!

~Scar.

Hi HaydenMacaw,

I really liked this poem! I didn't mind the repetition at all. Some lines could be extended though, to help make the poem flow better, making it smoother. And definitely go deeper into it, its a really good poem, but if you can unlock its true depth then it will be even better!

Best wishes for future writing!

RedLeaf

Hi,

I had trouble reading this the first time. After the second time I read it, I got it. It was interesting and I liked it.

~Shorty

I like this write!
but you should consider to rewrite:

I opened my eyes this morning
And most everything was just the same
Except you weren’t there to hold my hand
And nothing was the same
Because you weren’t there to hold my hand
And walk me through the rain

because there's too much repetition in it

but great work!

Wow this is really beautiful; so honest and vivid. I love the images I get from it and how the rhyming works. Keep it up

A little thing about the repetition. I know you didn't do it that well, but it is a pretty easy fix. First, take out the repetition in line 3. It does not fit there. Also, in the last stanza, It may be better to move the repetition to the end. Glad I could help. Good job.

-WU

Thanks for the advice!

I edited it above. If you would like to look at it again that would be awesome.