Global Disaster

This magnificent land we call our earth,
The one we failed to care for from birth.
The one that gave us warmth, and a place to call home,
The one that is now dying, and stands alone.

We must fight to give back and care for what's right,
Save this planet earth and give back its light.
It sees the darkness clouding in that is death,
Which reeks of pollution, and its endangered inhabitants.

Feeling terrible, are we not?
To neglect this world, its treasures we forgot.
To take a stand now, it's not too late;
To save this world from our mistakes.

But is it too late, for global disaster?
Fear not the question, but a definite answer.

Well this seems promising to me. However, many of the lines are crisp. They have an extra syllable here or there that just throws off the rhythm and I would love to see you perfect this. I think a rewording of a few lines without changing the overall message is necessary. I do think it is a little cliche in a few areas but an edit or two can rid of the mistakes and make this something that sends a message with no distractions of an uneasy read.

I agree, that it does have some errors, but I really love it! It's good and something I agree with totally. Really, it's awesome. Just do a little editing and t'd be freaking awesome. Not just awesome. I'm an environmentalist so I am on your side on this one, but keep writing, and by the way, I love your style.

It sees the darkness clouding in that is death,
Which reeks of pollution, and its endangered inhabitants.

^These are the only two lines that don't ryhme. I know this may sound cheesy, but maybe the second line could be something like "pollution taking away our fresh breath"

My comment about ryhming seems silly, considering the seriousnes of the subject. I love the voice and message displayed in this poem.

But is it too late, for global disaster?
Fear not the question, but a definite answer.
^ The last line is so strong. Perfect closer. But the line above it confused me a little bit because earlier you talked about it not being too late to fix our mistake, so when you say is it too late for global disaster I initially interpreted a disaster that we can't fix. Maybe I overthought that, IDK.

I hope your writing and message will have the oppurtunity to spread beyond YoungWritersSociety.com because I think it is a super true, super important statement.

(This is one of my first official reviews, sorry if it was confusing/all over the place)

I LOVE this poem.

SmylinG wrote:It sees the darkness clouding in that is death,
Which reeks of pollution, and its endangered inhabitants.
.

This doesn't rhyme. It doesn't flow to well, either. Put some more thought into these two lines and play around with it. See if you can come up with something else that you really like... On the other hand, If you add another stanza with the same rhyming pattern as the first before

SmylinG wrote:It sees the darkness clouding in that is death,
Which reeks of pollution, and its endangered inhabitants.
.

then that could be a cool rhyming pattern. It would be like abab abab abaC(unrhyming) abab ab. Do you understand what I mean? It would be like the middle stanza's last line doesn't rhyme, but that's ok, because you planned it and it's part of the pattern. The way you have it at the moment seems like you didn't know what to put there, so you gave up with rhyming temporarily at that line, and just threw in something smart.


Other than that, It's very good! The last stanza is my favorite, of course. It's so powerful, and withholds so much strength. It's almost like a punch to the face, ya'know?

SmylinG wrote:But is it too late, for global disaster?
Fear not the question, but a definite answer.

Great job!
Keep writing!

xoxo,
Kiicoh.

I liked this poem. It has a strong meaning/message. Just one thing,

SmylinG wrote:It sees the darkness clouding in that is death,
Which reeks of pollution, and its endangered inhabitants.

"Death" and "inhabitants" don't rhyme and the rest of the poem does. That might of been how you wanted it, but that is just my opinion. Well done and keep writing!

Hey again, Smy. Told you I like reading and reviewing your poetry.

And wow. Such a strong message. The flow and rythym isn't perfect, but as I said before I've never liked perfect. The imagery was amazing and really strong, too. And I like it. Why wouldn't I? It's such a brilliant poem with a good and strong message, even if that message is sad. But it's the truth, and I think that is what makes this so good.

Okay, nitpicks... You know what, I don't really have any. As the others have said, this line doesn't rythym; "It sees the darkness clouding in that is death, Which reeks of pollution, and its endangered inhabitants." and personally, I don't think it needs to. It's imperfect and perfectly fine how it is. That is what I like about poetry. It doesn't have to be perfect. Don't you agree?

Overall, this is a brilliant and powerful poem you have here. I'm definitely clicking like and not just because I adore it, but because people need to read it. Thank you for the beautiful, brilliant and powerful poem, Smy. I love it. Remember, keep it up and never stop writing!

~Scar.

SmylinG wrote:This magnificent land we call our earth,
The one we failed to care for from birth. No, it was only recently that we started really not caring for it. This isn't quite true.
The one that gave us warmth, and a place to call home, Naw. Cliched.
The one that is now dying, and stands alone. "Stands alone?" What does that mean?

We must fight to give back and care for what's right, This is way too confusing. The wording needs to be tweaked.
Save this planet earth and give back its light.
It sees the darkness clouding in that is death, What? I don't even know what this is trying to tell me. The wording is really weird.
Which reeks of pollution, and its endangered inhabitants. Way too long.

Feeling terrible, are we not? I thought you were trying to say that we weren't caring about it.
To neglect this world, its treasures we forgot. Again, too long. Doesn't flow well.
To take a stand now, it's not too late;
To save this world from our mistakes.

But is it too late, for global disaster? This isn't the question you were aiming for. You're asking if it's too late to have a global disaster. I think you're trying to ask if it's too late to save ourselves from global disaster.
Fear not the question, but a definite answer.

-Kafka