Should Actors Fall in Love?

5 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 34
Spoiler
This is the most personal poem I have ever written, besides Curtains...which is about the same boy. Notice, There are a lot of theatrical references, and many references to things that actually happened. I guess they don't make sense if you don't know.


Auditions are so trying.
A young actor catches my eye
They can lead to so much crying.
Beautiful, as you walk by.

We were cast as lovers,
If only to ensemble.
You distracted me from my others.
Never had I seen a boy so amiable.

Productions always come to an end,
A surprising, bittersweet truth.
I’ll be missing you my friend,
My love for you wasting my youth.

The songs have been sung.
Pack up my character shoes.
Hang my costume on its rung.
All I’ll have left is a memory of you.

We danced so in time,
Sweltered under lights of blue.
We had so much fun in this pantomime.
Now all I have is a memory of you.

I’ll wait until the next season.
Lock away the scripts, throw away the key.
Dear boy, my sadness has a reason,
After all this you’ll have no memory of me.
Last edited by AsxLoversxGo on Wed Feb 23, 2011 3:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"In YOUR Indo"




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 21355
Reviews 504
Auditions are so trying. Don't think "trying" is quite the right word here.
A young actor catches my eye
They can lead to so much crying. Okay, I really am not a huge fan of the back and forth between two different concepts thing you've got going on here. Neither am I a huge fan of this line by itself.
Beautiful, as you walk by.

We were cast as lovers,
If only to ensemble. "Ensemble" is a noun, and you're using it as a verb.
You distracted me from my others. Your others? Others of what?
Never had I seen a boy so amiable. "Ensemble" and "amiable" don't rhyme.

Productions always come to an end, Reword, possibly?
A surprising, bittersweet truth. "Surprising?" No, I wouldn't call it that.
I’ll be missing you my friend, Comma between "you" and "my." And "my friend" is much too formal for what you are apparently feeling for him. "My love" would be more appropriate, even though it doesn't rhyme.
My love for you wasting my youth. I would think it would extend it. And this is the first time you've viewed it as a negative thing, so it doesn't really fit in that respect, either.

The songs have been sung.
Pack up my character shoes. "Character shoes?" Not sure what to picture there. Description, description.
Hang my costume on its rung.
All I’ll have left is a memory of you. "All" and "I'll" are too similarly pronounced, and it sounds odd.

We danced so in time, "So in time" could be restated to sound better.
Sweltered under lights of blue. Don't know if "sweltered" really fits.
We had so much fun in this pantomime.
Now all I have is a memory of you.

I’ll wait until the next season.
Lock away the scripts, throw away the key.
Dear boy, my sadness has a reason, Well, duh, I've gathered that by now.
After all this you’ll have no memory of me. How do you know? You'd think he would since you apparently danced with him and everything.


Good stuff. Keep writing.

-Kafka
#TNT

WRFF




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 67823
Reviews 254
Hello there i am here for the review.

Well, you have a good piece here but your poem was a bit on the predictable side. Some of the rhymes were totally forced and that is not good for a poem because it ruptures the flow of the poem and gives a negative thought of the poem to the reader so you should try working on it.
I shall give you some nitpicks but it is totally inappropriate because the previous reviewer was Kafka and he never ever leaves anything for the others. xD

They can lead to so much crying.
Beautiful, as you walk by.
What are you talking about over here i could not understand. What is they over here? Auditions? Young actor? What?

A surprising, bittersweet truth.
I’ll be missing you my friend,
My love for you wasting my youth.
Why is it surprising? And if you will be missing him then why is this love a waste of your youth? Confused!!

I’ll wait until the next season.
And if the love was a waste of time then why will you be waiting for him until the next season? You are one confused person!!

Keep writing. :)
Are you living for the things you are praying for?




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 23786
Reviews 403
This was a very sweet poem I think. I feel as though the two other reviewers above me have beat me to the punch when it comes to critiques for room for improvement. ;) But I will point out this little flaw:

We danced so in time,


Was this suppose to be in tune? I feel as if it were. But maybe I am wrong. If I am, I think you should maybe consider changing it anyway. It fits a lot clearer. But other than that, Great work! Keep it up.
Paul is my little, evil, yellow bundle of joy.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 5010
Reviews 133
This is an unusual idea you have here. :)

Auditions are so trying.
A young actor catches my eye.
They can lead to so much crying.
Beautiful, as you walk by.


The last line is a lbit confusing, what is beautiful? The actor? You've done something interesting here. It looks as though the first line goes together with the third one, and the second with the last one. Am I right?

This is my favourite stanza:

We danced so in time,
Sweltered under lights of blue.
We had so much fun in this pantomime.
Now all I have is a memory of you.


And the ending was pretty good as well. I expected to read about the concept that actors can not fall in love, since they act not only on stage and they might act on their real life as well, that they can't delimit real life from what they actually play on stage. Could have been interesting if you described this concept as well.

Nonetheless, good poem! :)
Julie, a sucker for romance, historical fashion, medieval fairs and blues music. Add photography and you already know me 50%. The rest of me you'll discover through my writings and my photos.

my fictionpress
my greatest project, a history-inspired romance



You got rid of them. Yes, that's just like you. Getting rid of everything unpleasant instead of learning to put up with it.
— Aldous Huxley, Brave New World