1. Tiptoeing over the edge. (Redrafted)

amiemalamie · 2011-02-22T21:16:24Z

This is actually a redraft & reordering of the novel. This was the prologue but has now been edited slightly and moved to Chapter one. It was sort of systematic how I climbed over the railings. I had done it so many times before, that I no longer considered the drop down if I were to fall. My legs contorted around the railing as though I were a jigsaw piece trying to force itself into a place that it didn’t belong. It wasn’t comfortable - wrapping my legs around, my hands on either side, gripping tightly onto the bars. My eyes closed as I let my body lean out over the edge. My hands gripped tightly onto the railing behind me, tight but in no way desperate. I wasn’t afraid of this place, of where I stood, because I had chosen to be there. The cool night wind brushed through my hair. I could hear the cars driving by on the motorway that lay beneath me. In my mind I thought of the sounds of the cars as the sea, imagining that I was standing high on top a cliff edge with the waves beating against the cliff below. Breathing deeply, I thought of the salty air filling my lungs, I could almost taste it as I sucked it in. I immersed myself into the dream world I had created; the same world I visited each time I came to the bridge. Expelling any thoughts from my mind and feelings from my heart, I basked in the sheer absence of them both. I no longer came here to search for answers. I didn’t have to worry about anyone seeing me; it was late in the night, the footbridge was barely ever used, and it was too high and dark for anyone in the cars below to notice me. Goosebumps began to surface along my arms; the night had been a little cooler than I was expecting and I couldn’t help wishing that I had brought a jacket. “Stop!” A strangers voice yelled from the bridge. His feet pounded loudly on the ground as he ran toward me, “don’t do it!” For a moment, I thought that my mind was playing tricks on me; no one had ever caught me on the footbridge before and I knew that it was usually derelict. Startled and a little confused, I turned to confirm my sanity. My eyes met those of the stranger and he suddenly froze. “Please,” he said, “climb back over the railings.” I stared in disbelief, unsure of how to react to his plea. He slowly moved toward me. At first, to see him walk, he looked perfectly normal. But as he stepped with his right foot, the entire right side of his body lifted and dropped in a great effort to move, emphasising his unsteadiness all the more. It seemed sort of mechanic, how his body moved. A shiver travelled down my spine as he approached me. This stranger was undeniably handsome, but regardless of this fact there was something about the way he moved that made me uneasy; it made me feel as though I just couldn’t trust him. “Stop,” I told him and he did, “I don’t want you to come any closer. What do you want?” “Excuse me?” he asked, startled by my question. “Why are you here? What do you want with me?” “I just want you to climb back over the railings. Please, take my hand, I’ll help you.” He reached toward me. “No!” I yelled as he moved in closer. “Stay away from me.” “Okay, okay,” he backed away, his hands raised to show he meant no harm. He stepped in close to the railings and peered over the edge. “That’s quite a drop.” Silence filled the air once again and I closed my eyes, hoping that the stranger would simply disappear into the night. In my opinion, I had made it perfectly clear that I didn’t want or need his help - that should have been enough to make him leave. There was a tug on the railings and they began to shake. My eyes snapped open and I turned to see the stranger now stood just two-feet away on the wrong side along with me. “I. Just. Want. You. To. Know,” he shouted, “That. I. Have. A. Great. Fear. Of. Heights.” I huffed, what’s so great about that? I thought, annoyed by his intrusion on my time of escape. My eyes rolled and I grinded my teeth, caging my words inside my mouth, knowing that I’d regret saying them if I let them out. Reason told me that he was only trying to help; it was just so irritating that he couldn’t understand. “I. Should. Warn. You. That. If. You. Jump,” he continued to yell, “I. Jump.” “Why are you yelling?” I said, ignoring his insinuation that I was about to jump. “I’m not entirely sure,” he lowered his voice to a shout, “I think maybe the fear has affected my voice?” I couldn’t help but laugh. I knew that I had no intention of jumping, or even falling, from the bridge. I had done this a thousand times before and I was completely safe. But what I realised now was that he, this poor unfortunate and unsuspecting stranger who stumbled upon me, didn’t know any of that. “I’m not going to jump,” I reassured. “I don’t believe you,” he said, his hands gripping tighter onto the railings. “Honestly, I’m not.” I shuffled along the ledge toward him and placed my hand on his. “I swear.” “Well,” he said, “I can’t help but wish you had told me before I climbed over.” I laughed again, and this time he laughed with me. “If you’re so afraid of heights, then why did you climb over?” I asked, as I looked at his still-fear-ridden face and smiled. “I thought I could stop you. I thought that if I gave you an ultimatum, that you’d change your mind and climb back over. You really have no intention of, you know…?” “Jumping? No - I would never. I think suicide is one of the most selfish things a person can do, I’ll never understand it, I don’t ever really want to.” “Well, that I can agree on. I’m just not too sure I understand this - you being here - if you don’t plan on jumping,” he said, daring to peer out at the road below. “It’s hard to explain. It’s just that up here, everything is different. This is where I can be alone and just stop everything, the thinking, the fretting - I can escape from all of that. It clears my mind” “Now I just feel like I’m intruding.” I turned to him and shook my head. I wasn’t afraid of him anymore, and his presence no longer caused me annoyance. In fact, I was even beginning to enjoy his company. “So, when I tell my friends about this crazy woman I met dangling over the edge of a bridge to clear her mind, what name should I give her?” he joked, still clinging on tightly to the railings. “Sophie.” We laughed together about the ridiculousness of the situation we had somehow both become involved in. It wasn’t long until I gave in to the stranger’s fears and climbed back over. I, of course, had to help him as he attempted to do the same, although at a much slower and cautious rate. He held tightly onto my arms as I pulled his body over; after feeling how his hands shook in fear, I decided that he’d need more help than just a hand. As soon as his feet were set firmly on the right side of the footbridge, the stranger’s fear washed away. “It’s ironic really,” he said as he brushed off his pants, “I thought I was rescuing you and in the end you had to rescue me.” He walked me almost the entire way home, regardless of my protests. After everything that had happened, he felt compelled to make sure that I got home safely. If I was truly honest with myself I don’t think either one of us were ready to say goodbye just yet. With my parent’s house in sight, I stopped. I had been walking at a leisurely pace the entire way home, savoring each moment with him. “This is me,” I said, “I’m good from here.” “Okay.” “So, when I tell my friends about this crazy stranger who climbed over onto the wrong side of the bridge, regardless of his fear of heights, just to save me from almost certain death, what name should I give him?” I smiled. “You don’t strike me as someone who talks about things like the bridge with your friends,” he guessed, “so I don’t suppose you’ll be needing that strangers name after all - though crazy he was. Maybe he should remain anonymous?” “Well thank you, Anon. I’m really glad you showed up tonight,” I said. “Me too.” We both turned and walked away. Some ten feet away I couldn’t fight the urge to turn and have one last look at the stranger who’d stumbled into my life. I turned to look over my shoulder only to notice him do the same. We smiled, waved, and then continued on our way. His face would be etched in my mind forever; a small dream in the exposition of my otherwise unfortunate reality.

Hi again! Sorry this is taking so long, had a bit of a hectic week but I'll try to get you some more comments as soon as I can

So! This chapter, hmm. It didn't feel like it fit with your prologue which disconcerted me but, it was alright. I think you've got a good pace, a pretty nice scene and there's some gentle character building. It's nothing amazing and feels a bit more like filler than the opening to a story though to be honest. It was a little awkward in places, rather predictable, but at the same time engaging and easy to read. Maybe just try to spice it up a little?

Here's a few nit-picks and then I'll try to give you some advice:

“Stop!” A stranger's voice yelled from the bridge. His feet pounded loudly on the ground as he ran toward me, “dDon’t do it!”

“I. Just. Want. You. To. Know,” he shouted, “That. I. Have. A. Great. Fear. Of. Heights.”

This format isn't necessary and looks really odd. Find a better way to convey it. Maybe tag a line on that explains how he speaks or something.

I huffed, what’s so great about that? I thought, annoyed by his intrusion on my time of escape. My eyes rolled and I ~~grinded~~ ground my teeth, caging my words inside my mouth, knowing that I’d regret saying them if I let them out. Reason told me that he was only trying to help; it was just so irritating that he couldn’t understand.

We laughed together about the ridiculousness of the situation we had somehow both become involved in. It wasn’t long ~~until~~ before I gave in to the stranger’s fears and climbed back over. I, of course, had to help him as he attempted to do the same, although at a much slower and cautious rate.

“You don’t strike me as someone who talks about things like the bridge with your friends,” he guessed, “so I don’t suppose you’ll be needing that stranger's name after all - though crazy he was. Maybe he should remain anonymous?”

Dialogue

The best lines in history are short, snappy, memorable and just generally concise. I found that your dialogue was a little too long winded and got wrapped up in itself so I had to read it two or three times before I really got what the characters were saying. Try to come some of those longer speeches down just a little. Keep the wit but make it snappier.

Originality

See what you can do to make this scene more unique. At the moment, it's the typical, first person not really committing suicide, but second person thinks they are and is scared of heights but tries to save them. Then first person must rescue second person etc. It's been done way too many times so there's not enough interest here plot wise and your characters aren't compelling enough to carry the section. The only time an old plot works well is when the characters are particularly awesome/ refreshing or there's enough twists and good lines to still keep the reader thinking/ generally entertained.

Overall

Not as strong as your prologue but as I said, you do engage with the reader and there was some building of Sophie's character. It's a shame the guy was such a cardboard cut-out. I think you need to work on him, do something with the dialogue in general and try to put your own spin on the plot line. Hope this helps a little,

Heather xxx

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