A Pony to Love

Hi, I had a word limit so it's not the best.

A pony to love.

I strolled through the dewy morning grass in circles around the big oak in the middle of our moor, the mist clinging to my coat. I swished my tail at the annoying flies, and wished they would leave me in peace. This was my favourite spot to think, I would stay here for hours, often sleep here too. My friends often huffed at me when I started towards my spot, “there she goes again! No point trying to talk to her tonight, she'll be like talking to a dead tree.” they would say. I was a young (and inexperienced) two-year-old with a pure black mane and tail and with a dappled grey body. I had black legs on my front legs with black hooves and lighter back legs with white socks and white hooves. I had a short, but well muscled, neck and a slim elegant head. My body was quite short, and I had a very well muscled (and round) bottom. My mother said I was perfect, but all mothers say that!

I stood and nibbled at the tree for a while, ate some bark off of it and settled down to observe the herd go on with their business. I had had a roll in the heather and was now ready to stand and swish away all the small flies that came out in spring while relaxing. I watched Toro - the herd leader - play a game of move-your-feet with one of the young colts (a colt is a young male horse), discreetly showing him who is boss in play. Move-your-feet is a game horses play all the time, the aim of the game is to make your opponent move their feet by using your teeth and skills. Quite simple really, but can go on for hours and can sometimes be used as a dominance technique. Toro was winning at the moment, two to one.

Toro ended up winning and they went off to nibble at heather and lick some bark from a tree in the woods that we stayed near for protection. Everyone was calm and settled, the sun was warm and the ground was dryer than it had been in a few weeks, with the occasional bog. Amber and Tika were grooming each other on their withers (the bone between the back and the neck) I thought about laying down and having a snooze, but before I could settle down, every-one jumped and looked over the plains with pricked ears and snorts. I jumped and stared where the rest were looking and, as I strained to hear something, I saw five or six quad bikes appear on the horizon. Toro had talked about this before, he said that they come every four years to round up all the horses for selling. They were sold in markets and lead a life of misery for the rest of their days. The ones that were not sold were given veterinary care if needed and let back onto the moors. He said that they were randomly selected, a certain number had to be sold so as not to overpopulate the moors. He also told us that it wasn't the kindest handling, it involved quite a bit of sticking needles into you and being roughly handled by some big muscled idiots who have no care for you, and that you were held to the hard concrete ground and poked and prodded alot. Sometimes bruised in the meantime. It didn't sound great to me, and this was how he had described the initial round up. I stayed as calm as I could, knowing that running around madly with the rest, not thinking, would be simply giving myself to them! I was going to make sure, that if I did get caught, (which I wasn't planning on) then I was not going to give them an easy time.

Toro whinnied at them all to go into the woods, they all galloped where he said and he held back to check they were all OK, glancing at the approaching quads, checking the distance between them and us. He spotted me standing at the tree and whinnied to me to get in the woods, I shook my head. I knew that the quads could go through the woods faster than us and it would be easy for them to catch us, I decided to stay out in the open where I could see them properly. He wavered between coming to get me and staying with the herd to help them. He looked pained, but followed his instinct and knew that I was too far away to get me before they got to me. He whinnied to me one last time and disappeared into the woods after the rest. They came close enough and I turned on my heel and bolted to the closest wall, I jumped it as high as I could and landed perfectly on the other side, I turned around to see them and they all looked shocked. I smiled to myself and galloped off into the next moor. I checked behind me to see where they were. Before I knew it I was up to my tummy in mud! I hadn't seen the bog, and had fallen right into its arms. I cursed myself for my careless and tried in vain to get out. I knew I would be here for hours, maybe even days, if I couldn't get out. I would starve eventually, I knew and struggled in the bog .

No quads came, but I heard scared whinnies and I could just identify some of my best friends. I whinnied to them as loud as I could and I heard a reply for help. I struggled all the more in the bog, but just couldn't get out! I heard Toro whinny to all of his herd and I eventually heard the scared whinnies die away. I knew they were gone, and hoped, with all my heart that they would return safely and unhurt. After three whole hours of struggling in the mud, exhausted. I smelled a new smell. It was a horse! I whinnied for help.

“I'm coming!!” shouted the horse. I saw a head bobbing above the wall I'd jumped while trying to escape from the round up. There was a hollow thudding as the horse approached. It had a bay coat and was a lot taller than me, it had a black mane and there was a human sitting on it. I regretted calling for help and hoped they would go away, I didn't want to make contact with a human after the way Toro had described them. The human was quite small, with a brown mane and a funny multi-coloured coat. She was sitting on the back of the horse and it seemed to be okay with that. It was just plain weird. The human seemed flustered and turned its horse around and galloped away. I felt a certain sense of relief as I saw them disappear over the wall where the quads went.

I knew I had to keep my energy to keep alive, that's what Toro had taught me when I was still small. Just thinking about him made me wonder how my friends were doing. If they were okay. If they were still in Dartmoor! I stopped struggling so I could conserve my energy, there is no point in wasting it anyway. A few hours later, that human on a horse came back, it had one of those ropes that the quad bikes had. I got really scared and it came closer. it leaned over on a clump of grass to my left and managed to wriggle it around my belly. It backed off with the rope around me still and jumped on its horse, it wrapped the rope around the front of the thing it was sitting on and it asked its horse to back off and brace itself for my weight. I felt the rope around me tighten and start to pull me out. I clambered for the side of the bog as they pulled harder, the horse really strained and I felt the heather at the side of the bog touch my front hooves, I struggled, not able to find solid footing. We struggled for about ten minutes, then my left hind hoof hit hard ground and I jumped out as fast as I could! I was exhausted with the effort and had to stand, puffing and panting. She (girl I guessed) jumped off of her horse and sat down on the ground. Her horse was a male and was -tiered as he was- trying to show off to me.

The girl came up to me, and I was too tiered to jump back in fright so I let her fiddle around me. I knew I had let myself down and this human was going to take me off with the others. I was very sad. She bent under me and undid the rope that had pulled me out. She looped it back together in a circle and tied it back onto the thing she sat on on her horse. I gathered up all the energy I had left to run away from her. I went to run and she sighed. I looked around, wondering what she was doing. She had got back on her horse and was now walking off. I thought about how most of my herd wasn't here any more and that I felt lonely and vulnerable.
I made up my mind and cantered after her, she did help me out, saved my life in fact. Then seemed to leave and not want to catch me. I reached her in record time and she looked round at me surprised and happy. “oh look! You've come with us!” I didn't understand what she was saying, but she made no effort to come towards me so I was content to follow her where ever she went. Her horse certainly seemed happy about it all, he jogged all the way to the end of the moor.

I followed them happily, I knew I now had a family. This girl wasn't going to hurt me, she was nice, her horse told me about everything! He talked about the lovely field he stayed in, he said she gave him food every day and his “rides” were the best. He explained about (what I know know is called a saddle) that thing she sits on while riding him, and he said that she was never mean and was always comforting when you got scared. “you will be in my field now I bet! I can't wait to show you around. She has lots of nice places to stand and the field is really great. It's gunna be so much fun!” he jogged on the spot and bucked a little, she sat it well and gave him a loving rub with her hand on his shoulder and asked him to walk on again when he was ready. I really liked this girl, by the sounds of it she was amazing! I didn't know what I would be like as a riding horse, I hoped I would be okay.

I walked with her to a busy road, I snorted at the cars that went past and backed up in fear. Her horse, who I learned was called Spirit, walked calmly to the road, looked both ways as she did and then nickered for me to follow. I knew he was a good leader, and he didn't see any danger, so I came after him, still skipping away from the cars and lorries, but hoping that he knew what he was doing.

We crossed the road, with no trouble, and we came to Spirit's field on a quiet country lane twenty minutes from the road. It was a very big field with nice green grass, and massive oak trees like the one in my moor. Thinking about it made me wonder if anyone missed me. I shoved the thought aside with a swish of my tail and a shake of my mane. It didn't matter, I was better off here anyway, I hoped. I followed Spirit into the field and to the small stable and crew yard with a tie up post and a tack/feed room. She un-tacked him and she let him go off into the field to have a good old roll. I went to have a roll too, I found a lovely dry piece of land with no grass and itched my back thoroughly. The young human girl watched, satisfied and lent against the gate, which was now closed. I went over to see her, slowly, still wary of her. She looked down at the floor and I felt better, a predator who is hunting you stares his prey in the eye before pouncing, but a calm and full lion or wild cat will be content to stroll by, looking at the ground, where he was walking. Not bothering us at-all.

Predators have a habit of focusing on what they want, so if they want to go and climb a tree, then they focus on the tree till they get there, or if they are hungry, they focus on their dinner, also known as, me. So reasonably, a horse will feel intimidated by a human focusing on them, they could be thinking dinner for all we know. So when she looked at the ground, obviously not thinking of eating me, I felt happier to come and inspect her. I edged closer, her eyes still cast downwards, her hoof extended towards me shaped like a friendly horsey nose, I felt an urge to sniff it, but I made myself go slowly in case she wasn't to trust. I sniffed her hoof and she turned slowly to look at me. She had a calm attitude about her, even though she was looking me right in the eye, I knew, in my heart, that she would never harm me, or let anyone else harm me either. She turned her torso around to face me completely and turned around her hoof as to stroke my nose, she didn't move towards me to stroke my nose though, she just held still. I smiled at her and I put my nose in her hand. It fitted like it was made for my nose, she was buzzing with happiness, but held her spot. I came closer, feeling that I could trust her. I sniffed her face and I pulled her mane through my lips, she giggled and I smiled at her again. I knew I was loved. I knew that one day, I would be like Spirit, she would ride me around the moors and I would go to shows, like Spirit had talked about so much, I would take any wall or fence in my path and know she would be with me the whole time, ready to help me, warn me of any dangers and be there to encourage me. Always.

I nuzzled her neck and she giggled again, I saw Spirit, standing at the other side of the field, smiling at me and her, like he knew this would happen all along. I would be her own pony, with a name, a stable and hundreds of others envying me. I knew I was the luckiest horse in the world, with the best owner ever.


The End

Hey!

Over all, you did a good job of writing horses, most people I've seen have a tricky time making them sound realistic enough, but this was good. Your description was very nice too, though sometimes a bit too much. This could be helped by breaking up the paragraphs whenever someone speaks.
So it looks something like this,

I strolled through the dewy morning grass in circles around the big oak in the middle of our moor, the mist clinging to my coat. I swished my tail at the annoying flies, and wished they would leave me in peace. This was my favourite spot to think, I would stay here for hours, often sleep here too.
My friends often huffed at me when I started towards my spot, “there she goes again! No point trying to talk to her tonight, she'll be like talking to a dead tree.” they would say. I was a young (and inexperienced) two-year-old with a pure black mane and tail and with a dappled grey body. I had black legs on my front legs with black hooves and lighter back legs with white socks and white hooves. I had a short, but well muscled, neck and a slim elegant head. My body was quite short, and I had a very well muscled (and round) bottom. My mother said I was perfect, but all mothers say that!

Breaking up the paragraph makes it look a lot less intimidating and makes following dialogue much easier.

Also, everything is a bit passive for the first half and even after that there are a few bits that could use some help.
This part especially could be easily fixed by actually having the event happen.

Toro had talked about this before, he said that they come every four years to round up all the horses for selling. They were sold in markets and lead a life of misery for the rest of their days. The ones that were not sold were given veterinary care if needed and let back onto the moors. He said that they were randomly selected, a certain number had to be sold so as not to overpopulate the moors. He also told us that it wasn't the kindest handling, it involved quite a bit of sticking needles into you and being roughly handled by some big muscled idiots who have no care for you, and that you were held to the hard concrete ground and poked and prodded alot. Sometimes bruised in the meantime. It didn't sound great to me, and this was how he had described the initial round up.

Instead of remembering what Toro had told her, maybe they could actually have the conversation right there. It would be a much more interesting way of giving the information to the read as well as giving us a bit more characterization.

There are a few places where you might do better to show and not tell what the horse is feeling, though you've done a good job with that in other places. Using the body language instead of just saying how she felt makes it seem more realistic and as if you're watching it happen rather than reading it.

The ending was very nice! I love how you go from the horses being afraid of the humans and the round up to the girl and the horse becoming friends. Very sweet. :3

Hope this has helped some, if you have any questions totally feel free to ask!

Hello again! Told you I'd leave a reply. ;D

I thought this story was adorable. It actually reminded me a lot of the movie Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron, and I liked that movie. I wonder if you were inspired? There's a horse named Spirit here, so if that horse is actually the same Spirit in the movie, this should probably be in fanfiction. Still! I think the idea's fun to read. ^^

Your description can get a bit overwhelming, and by that I mean it gets too much? In the beginning, you describe the MC in maybe four/five lines! That's highly impressive and really just goes over the reader's head. Keep the description short and sweet. The reader can fill in the details (or you can in bits and pieces throughout the piece).

There are also places where you can break up the paragraphs and thus rid ourselves of the blocks of text. I actually stopped reading a book because the paragraphs were ridiculously long--so long, it kept putting my to sleep, being hypnotized by so many words! So keep that in mind. A paragraph is about a certain idea or subject. If the subject changes, even slightly, it can probably do fine in a new paragraph. However! This is a style thing, so you don't have to do anything about it at all if you don't want to.

One last thing I wanted to mention is how impactive this was, which it wasn't as impactive as it could be. I found myself rereading paragraphs to make sure I was on the right track. I forgot she was stuck in the mud at one point! She should be freaked out more. Maybe dialogue would help too? Not sure. But make it feel more action-packed like it is. It's terrifying what they're going through here before she was saved! If you take some of your description and focus on the action more than the character appearances, your piece would improve a whole lot more.

Also, a small note: You mention horse facts in parentheses sometimes (I think more in the beginning). What's funny is that you explain what a cold is (which I knew) but not what heather is (which I don't know). xD I suggest not doing this at all! Your description should tell the reader what these things are.

Hope that advice helps you a bit. Just be sure not to sound too much like the movie I mentioned, in case you've seen it. If you haven't, then you probably don't have to worry about it. Anyway, great job!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Hey there, I'm Hawk and I'm here to review!

Okay, so first off I just have to say that this is a nice concept, but it has a very overused feel to it. If you simply broke it down, you'd get this: Horse lives free on open range. Wranglers come, horse escapes, gets stuck/caught/trapped/injured. Girl comes, rescues horse. Horse follows and loves her forever for her help. They live happily ever after, the end.

Trust me, I've read too many horse novels to count, and they all have a certain formula to them; some of them do a better job than others in making the familiar plots feel new and fresh. The fact that your story is narrated by the horse itself is good; there aren't many books written in that style, so it feels different from the others.

That being said, you want to make sure your horse is accurate. I get the impression that it's not any special, magical horse that thinks differently or anything, so you want to ensure that it's feeling very realistic. There were moments that I didn't feel like it was horse talking; it could have been a human, for all I knew. For example, when the quads first appear, I found it hard to believe that she was thinking so rationally and that she was coming up with a game plan for how she'd avoid the quads. When a threat comes along for a horse, they have two major natural responses: fight or flight. And most of the time, the horse will choose flight; it's what they're built for. Unless they're cornered, they will do all they can to just run away. And they're herd animals; they're going to stick to their friends, try to keep up with the entire herd, and become extremely panicked if they get separated. I can understand that she ran off and leapt over the wall if she got separated from her herd in the first place. But deciding she won't go with the herd because it's not the wisest thing to do just isn't horse-like.

The part where she's rescued by the girl also felt very thin; how could the horse really make up her mind so quickly that this girl was good, and that she was going to have a better life if she went with the girl? It just doesn't make sense, especially coming from a previously wild-living horse. I think you could use a little more explanation as to why the horse chose what she did, and why she went with the girl. What sort of an impact did the rescue have on her to make her decide to give up the life she's known and follow this stranger, who's of the same species as the "predators"?

Now, as for your writing style, you've got a lot of run-on sentences. You don't give the reader enough of a break, of a pause, to let them catch their breath. I'd like you to read this link, which does an excellent job of explaining how to recognize a run-on in your work and how to duly fix it.

Another little nitpick I have that I think has already been mentioned is the paragraphs. They're just too huge, and very overwhelming. Break them up; whenever a new subject is being introduced or something different is going on, then you need to put it in a new paragraph.

Also, lighten up on your descriptions, especially of the horses. Yes, it's nice to know what they look like. But too much detail (he had a star and stripe; she had a white stocking on her off hind leg; he was exactly 15.2 hh, etc.) bogs the story down. Not to mention, too much technical detail can put off anyone who doesn't know exactly what a sock vs. a stocking is, and the time you spend differentiating the two only makes the story longer in progressing, which you don't want.

So, overall: tighten up the story by eliminating unnecessary or excess detail; give the story more of an accurate feel; give a little more description when it comes to exactly why the characters do what they do (in other words, what motivates them?). You've got really good potential here; it just needs a bit of cleaning up to reach its height (and really, that's why we're all here! To learn and grow in our writing).

Please PM me if you've got any questions or whatnot. Cheers! (: