Holding On (a Shakespearean sonnet)

The little secrets seemed so big to us,
And playing with dolls didn't seem so dumb,
But all that was before your senseless fuss,
Before reality became so numb.
Remember days of spy and sister games?
It seems like you've forgotten all that now.
Somehow, I can't believe the others' claims,
And, anymore, I can't stop wond'ring how.
How can you stand there while she teases me?
How can you say she has done nothing wrong?
How can you be as speechless as a tree,
When we have been together for so long?
I know I cannot keep up holding on,
But I can't stop this thinking you're not gone.

This sounds so much like my sister and me, it's scary. Well, except she was the one teasing me.

Everyone might disagree with me, because I have weird views on things but I liked the flow of the poem except for the 'up' before holding on, at the end of the poem.
(I'd use a quote thingy but they always mess up on me)

Other than that, I love it.

you used a lot of simplistic words, which, i SUPPOSE, could be a good thing. but it fit the shakespearan sonnet format and worked well, fullfilling it's message.

You've got the structure of a SS very well; major kudos, you don't get a lot of strongly structured poetry around anymore. The only point you've slightly fallen off the Shakespearean bandwagon is your rhythm: you haven't quite got the Iambic Pentameter going on there.

Obviously, pure IP has the emphasis on the second syllable: ba-BUM-ba-BUM-ba-BUM etc; parts of your poem do this very well (emphasis in bold):

The little secrets seemed so big to us

but others were not so well rhythmed:

And playing with dolls didn't seem so dumb

Do you see? It's got to be a 1,2 rhythm, a quiet then a stress. Now, that's probably the hardest part of any poem - it takes a long time to recognize and use meter truly properly (I know I don't!) but, given your obvious skill with the structure of a SS, I thought you'd want to know for the future - I've no doubt you're fully capable of making an technically inch-perfect Shakespearean sonnet.
That said, of course, Iambic Pentameter is only the convention, not truly the rule it's just generally accepted and praised, that's all.

Your rhymes are good, solid stuff; it's hard to have much variation within the structure limitations, and I think you've done really well with them.


Now, I could leave it at that, but I don't think I will - you're good, and therefore deserve more to work with, so I'll chuck you some extra ideas.

The real power of a Shakespearean Sonnet is in its structure - this might seem a little silly, since structure confines writing, but that's because people miss the most important part of structuring - the order and use of ideas and the turning point.
To be a true Shakespearean sonneteer, you need to get your dramatic timing right: a sonnet starts off with 'setting the scene,' or saying 'this is how things are.' In your sonnet, this would roughly be a "this is how sisters/friends should behave toward one another" part - you would include the part about the games you used to play, and how you stuck up for one another.
That lasts for about eight lines: then you get the 'volta' or midpoint, the most important part: here, you get a sudden turnaround in theme, and you move into the 'specifics' or 'this is what it's really like' part: yours would be "but this is how we are now: distant" type of theming. You explain (quite briefly) what is really going on in your sisterly/friendly relationship.
Then, in the final two lines, you sum up with the hard-hitting punch-line: you've done that pretty well, actually - perhaps all you want is something more definite; more of an "but even though we draw ever more distant/friends never let each other go, no matter what" kind of crunching end - something that defines how you feel about the matter, and what you're going to do about it.

Since that's a little in-depth and my explanation is never very good, I'll do the famous illustration trick: Sonnet 18! Happy days.

Sonnet 18

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate.
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer`s lease hath all too short a date.
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimm`d;
And every fair from fair some time declines,
By chance, or nature`s changing course, untrimm`d;
First eight lines, Shakespeare describes what "is"; the fact beauty is like a summer's day, that will be shaken and fade

But thy eternal summer shall not fade
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow`st;
Nor shall Death brag thou wand`rest in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou grow`st:
Sudden about turn! He now says that in this case, her beauty will last forever... how, we think? Why?

So long as men can breath or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.
Ah, there we go, he's punched it home - he finishes off with the idea that, through writing, the beauty that lives in his mistress will never fade away, but stay alive as long as the words do

So, that's how the master does them: it's a dramatic technique, just like the "introduction -- > problem --> resolution" you get in classic film scripts. The effectiveness of a sonnet's structure lies in the abrupt about-turn you do halfway through, and then the powerful bringing home couplet to end. In your case, it needs to be "this is sisterly love --> but this is how we are --> but I'm not letting you go."

Whew, that was a lot of writing; I'm impressed to see you trying the Shakespearean Sonnet, because it's one of the most challenging and powerful forms of poetry - at least for those who understand it and use it properly.

So, your tasks are these, should you wish to try sonneteering again:
- get your meter and rhythm right: ba-BUM-ba-BUM, etc: read it out loud, see where the stresses are.
- advanced, tough, but you're perfectly capable of it: really use the structure of ideas to your advantage; remember, SCENE:PROBLEM:PUNCHLINE.

Looking forward to more of your work.

can't believe I haven't commented on any of ur stuff yet! anyways, I think I know exactly what this is about. though, it may or may not apply to u now, the description of the poem was fantastic. I really got a feel of what was going through ur head at the time, and why u felt tht way. good job, Diana!