The Death Of Penny Lane

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Dear Penny.
I’m writing this letter because I need to say goodbye. I need to tell you all the things I never said. Your death came swiftly and tragically, and I need to try and make some sense of it. I just have to.
You weren’t my friend for long, but you were some friend. Like everything you did in life you did it well and with all the intensity those sharp green eyes could give. When you loved you loved with such passion that it could make yourself sick.
Maybe that’s why you were so lonely, because no one could be as candid as you, even if they wanted to.

When I met you I was living in east village in New York, the only city you could ever call home. It was a shared house with 5 other people, all coming and going, working all day and partying all night. I don’t think I even met you until I’d been living there for three weeks. You were always out. Chasing a dream. Any dream. Working your way through the jazz club, your voice a backdrop in a dimly lit room. You were like a whisper, a legend. “The Great Penny Jane” they would say. Loves everything and everyone, but nothing as much as that piano. Never without her glitter eyeliner. Loves disaster and drugs. Hates the sound of quiet.

All the rumours and stories were more than true. But no one could take the time to fully describe you. Skin so pale I almost thought you were half albino. Hair so blonde it was almost silver. A whirl wind of colour and commotion. Once I told you were like an ADD boy on acid. As ungraceful the sentence was it was you. Ungraceful and wonderful and fighting, forever fighting. But no one knew what for.

I don’t need to tell you how close we became. Although now it sort o feels like I didn’t know you at all. I went with you to all your clubs. Couldn’t even breathe in that smog but I didn’t even care. You told me about your childhood. I believe I was the one of the few you did. You ‘the great Penny Jane’ went to a catholic school, the kind that throw around words like ‘chastity’ and ‘virgin’ like confetti.

How your father made you practise your piano so much. How you repaid him by playing bohemian rhapsody over and over again at your recital until they had to rip you off the stage. How you always felt hated. How you always felt despised. Penny, my lovely, I just want to tell you now that everyone who met you fell in love with you. They just couldn’t show it.
Like everything in my life, I lost track of you. You faded quickly out of my life until it almost feels like I had never met you. You moved out of our apartment and I don’t even know why. You kept going to those clubs, leaving your bloody red heart on the fall and no one even noticing. You became addicted to everything you touched and did more than anyone thought possible. I made some you friends and you made many. I heard you fell in love, more than you ever had before. I was happy for you, It was all you had ever wanted. “I want uncontainable joy” you used to tell me with a flair of your hand. “And that is worth all the pain this world could throw at me.”

I can’t remember the exact moment I found out you had died. I can’t even remember how I felt. Numb, maybe. I felt numb.
I hated the way you died. By your own hand. In that moldy room surrounded by lines of that poisin. Of what killed you. The word “goodbye” written on your stomach in lipstick. One thought crossed through my mind through the whole thing “If the Great Penny Jane couldn’t survive this world, what hope is there for the rest of us.”

As I finish off this letter I want to pin down a memory, a flash in time that could try and find. It always comes back to. Only one comes to mind. You and me on the of our apartment. The whole city stretching out in front of us and the whole night sky to explore. We are dancing to a song. It doesn’t matter what song it is, we take no notice. You are wearing your gold sequins dress and you look like the goddess you are. Laughter. Glitter. Vodka. The whole world is ours.
That Is the story of the great Penny Jane

Love your dearest friend

James
I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, Sir, because I'm not myself you see.

Alice in Wonderland




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Hello there,
This was a beautiful piece. I just loved the way James spoke about Penny. She had such a beautiful character and seemed like a girl with the world at her fingertips. It was really something!! BRAVO! Though I am enamoured there were some minor mistakes I have to note, sorry. Okay here it goes:

leaving your bloody red heart on the fall and no one even noticing.- I think you meant 'floor' not 'fall' but it was a really beautiful sentence. (often how I feel).

I made some you friends- I made some 'new' friends

what hope is there for the rest of us.” - Question mark si vous plait. '?' at the end of this. 

a flash in time that could try and find- I didn't understand this sentence, there is something missing. look over it and check.

You and me on the of our apartment.- You and me on the 'roof' of your apartment or 'balcony' of your apartment. I dunno where exactly but something is missing.

My favourite parts were:
"Chasing a dream. Any dream. Working your way through the jazz club, your voice a backdrop in a dimly lit room. You were like a whisper, a legend. “The Great Penny Jane” they would say. Loves everything and everyone, but nothing as much as that piano. Never without her glitter eyeliner. Loves disaster and drugs. Hates the sound of quiet." 

"Laughter. Glitter. Vodka. The whole world is ours." 

So beautiful. Bravo!
Keep it up.
xxx Upile xxx




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Hi! I really liked this piece, but let me do some nitpicking first;

"Dear Penny." Should be "Dear Penny,"
"As ungraceful as the sentence was, it was you." Commas needed there, and an "as."
"You, ‘the great Penny Jane,’ went to a Catholic school, the kind that throw around words like ‘chastity’ and ‘virgin’ like confetti." Note the added commas and capitalized C.
Also, both words of "Bohemian Rhaspody" should be capitalized.

There's probably some more, but I'm short on time -- I'd say do a few more readthroughs and work on the mechanics.

Of course, the reason I'm nitpicking so much is that the story itself is good. There's so much emotion in the piece. The short fragments work well, but do admittely seem somewhat overused at points, making the story choppy - maybe complete a few more of them? It would make the story flow better, and vary your sentences more. Also, pay very close attention to the tense in your story; you switch back and forth between past and present, which makes the prose rather confusing.

However, overall, I loved it! It needs revision, but it has all the makings of a really lovely story. Keep up the good work!




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Okay, so this story was pretty good. Actually, I quite liked it. It was gut-wrenching and depressing, however--so I half don't like it, as well. But that's me. I'm depressed enough as it is on a normal day; don't need extra help. Ha.

Anyway, I will do some quick edits now. I'm not 'the Master of the Arts', but I'll try, 'kay? I know this could be wonderful with a few bits fixed, is all.

So, here we go.

///

Dear Penny,

I’m writing this letter because I need to say goodbye. I need to tell you all the things I never said. Your death came swiftly and tragically, and I need to try and make some sense of it. I just have to.

You weren’t my friend for long, but you were some friend. Like everything you did in life you did it well and with all the intensity those sharp green eyes could give. When you loved you loved with such passion that it could make yourself sick.
Maybe that’s why you were so lonely, because no one could be as candid as you, even if they wanted to.

When I met you I was living in East Village in New York, the only city you could ever call home. It was a shared house with five other people, all coming and going, working all day and partying all night. I don’t think I even met you until I’d been living there for three weeks. You were always out. Chasing a dream. Any dream. Working your way through the jazz club, your voice a backdrop in a dimly lit room. You were like a whisper, a legend. “The Great Penny Jane,” they would say. Loves everything and everyone, but nothing as much as that piano. Never without her glitter eyeliner. Loves disaster and drugs. Hates the sound of quiet.

All the rumours and stories were more than true. But no one could take the time to fully describe you. Skin so pale I almost thought you were half albino. Hair so blonde it was almost silver. A whirl wind of colour and commotion. Once I told you were like an ADD boy on acid. As ungraceful the sentence was it was you. Ungraceful and wonderful and fighting, forever fighting. But no one knew what for.

I don’t need to tell you how close we became. Although now it sort of feels like I didn’t know you at all. I went with you to all your clubs. Couldn’t even breathe in that smog but I didn’t even care.

You told me about your childhood. I believe I was the one of the few you did. You--‘the Great Penny Jane’--went to a Catholic School, the kind that throw around words like ‘chastity’ and ‘virgin’ like confetti. How your father made you practise your piano so much. How you repaid him by playing Bohemian Rhapsody over and over again at your recital until they had to rip you off the stage. How you always felt hated. How you always felt despised. Penny, my lovely, I just want to tell you now that everyone who met you fell in love with you. They just couldn’t show it.

Like everything in my life, I lost track of you. You faded quickly out of my life until it almost feels like I had never met you. You moved out of our apartment and I don’t even know why. You kept going to those clubs, leaving your bloody red heart on the floor and no one even noticed. You became addicted to everything you touched and did more than anyone thought possible. I made some new friends and you made many. I heard you fell in love, more than you ever had before. I was happy for you. It was all you had ever wanted. “I want uncontainable joy,” you used to tell me with a flair of your hand, “and that is worth all the pain this world could throw at me.”

I can’t remember the exact moment I found out you had died. I can’t even remember how I felt. Numb, maybe. I felt numb.

I hated the way you died. By your own hand. In that moldy room surrounded by lines of that poison. Of what killed you. The word 'goodbye' written on your stomach in lipstick. One thought crossed through my mind through the whole thing: “If the Great Penny Jane couldn’t survive this world, what hope is there for the rest of us?

As I finish off this letter I want to pin down a memory, a flash in time that could try and find. It always comes back to. Only one comes to mind. You and me on the roof of our apartment. The whole city stretching out in front of us and the whole night sky to explore. We are dancing to a song. It doesn’t matter what song it is, we take no notice. You are wearing your gold sequin dress and you look like the goddess you are. Laughter. Glitter. Vodka. The whole world is ours.

That is the story of the great Penny Jane.*

Love your dearest friend,

James

///

So, there you have it. And I really liked it, once I went over it; it just stuck better. Rather like how I had to go through "The Painted Boy" slow.

Secondly, the word edits are in italics and the punctuation edits are in bold. I think. Yeah.

Thirdly, I would suggest proof-reading. You know, just to catch those few honest mistakes all authors end up with.

Anyway, keep writing! That's the best advice I can give...

*I so want to tack on "and I wish everyone could see it" or something at the end. Also, you're about to make me cry. This is why I should have pushed the backspace button when I read the first sentence. *shrugs* I'm a moron. So...nice play on the emotions. My emotions.
My SPD senses are tingling.




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I liked this. Very moving. Unique, too, I suppose. I've never thought of writing in the form of a letter as you obviously have. It's quite original. Although there were a few gramatical errors they didn't take anything away from the body of the story. A job well done.



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