Young Writers Society

God! I have no idea how I came up with this. When I finished even I was in shock, I was like, "Boy, I must be crazy". XD But, I wanna make it sound good... So, for its sake, tear it apart. Lol. xD

WHO is Mr. Silence?
Mr. Silence is what makes the narrator of this poem shut up and deny her love for someone, since it's a forbidden love. Obviously he is not a person. Have you ever heard "Ever Fallen In Love" by Pete Yorn? It says...

"You spurn my natural emotions
You make me feel like dirt
And I'm hurt
And if I start a commotion
I run the risk of losing you
And thats worse

Ever fallen in love with someone
Ever fallen in love
In love with someone
Ever fallen in love
In love with someone
You shouldn't have fallen in love with?"

Mr. Silence is the fear of telling or showing love, (to those who make it forbidden) and losing the one loved. Yeah.... basically. xD It's like one day she'll kill her husband, which sound horrible D8, but not really. It's more like leaving a fear behind and follow your heart.

*EDITED*
Thanks for the help everyone. <3



First draft.

Spoiler

I have something to confess
But my words, they're all bought
So, listen what I'm going to say
Like I'm about to die

I got married against my will
All for the sake of love
Silence is now my last name
And, I act like I'm his clone

I do what he does
And, I sneak through the crowd
In my pocket I hide more than words
In my purse I have free lies

My dear, one day I'll kill him good
We both, fugitives, but loud
For now all I can do is love you
Denying it, in dead sound

I'm the treacherous witness,
I have something to unmask-
I'm not loyal to what I hate,
And the world keeps spinning round-

I got married against my will,
All for the sake of love-
Silence is my new last name,
And I act like I'm his clone-

I do what he does,
I sneak through the crowd-
In my pocket, I hide more than words,
In my purse, I have free lies-

Mr. Silence is a coward,
Never up to speak the truth-
He chains me with "What they might say."
And trembles, even when the weather's cool-

My dear, one day I'll kill him-
We'll be free fugitives, at last-
For now, all I can do is love you,
Denying it, in dead sound-

I have something to confess cliche
But my words, they're all bought
So, listen what I'm going to say take out the comma
Like I'm about to die This line seems very immature.
I'd scratch the entire beginning

I got married against my will
All for the sake of love interesting idea but not interesting language
Silence is now my last name
And, I act like I'm his clone take out 'and'

I do what he does
And, I sneak through the crowd take out 'and'
In my pocket I hide more than words i like
In my purse I have free lies interesting

My dear, one day I'll kill him good
We both, fugitives, but loud grammatically incorrect, makes no sense
For now all I can do is love you like
Denying it, in dead sound I'm not sure how i feel about the rhyme, but i love this last line

Hey! Nice work! You seem to have somethin very deep in mind n u had a little trouble explainin! Though nice thinkin! As the previous critic said.. Grammer is quiet essential.. Don't loose out on that! But i believe that can always be improved.. but it shouldn't matter in some cases! Here what you wanna convey is blur.. But i can tell that you have a content that jus needs a little brushin.. Ur doin a great job! Certain things like the last line and the thing about hidin words are immensely deep! They mean much more than portrayed! You'll have to consider how u can hone further your skills at deep thinkin! Cuz.. u r the best at that! U have extended drama in u! Good job! Do well!

Wow, the poem is so full of emotion, I could almost feel the pain myself. I like it very much.
I love these sentences the most:

In my pocket I hide more than words
In my purse I have free lies

There is lots of drama in it, and I think that when you practise more and brush up your skills (which you definitely have) you will be able to make even more beautiful poems.
With this poem you have done a very nice job. Well done!

(OMG! WHERE DID MY REVIEW GO!? DARN THIS INTERNET CONNECTION! >.< Good thing my browser remembered most of my review!)

Hi, Sol! ^_^

Nitpicks:

So listen what I'm going to say

- It's a little bit ungrammatical. There should be a 'to' after 'listen'. If that breaks the meter then, I don't know. lol Perhaps, rephrase.

And, I sneak through the crowd

- There should be no comma after 'And'. *I just figured out the other day that there shouldn't be any comma after coordinating conjunctions when they're used to start a sentence unless it's followed by an interrupter.

For now all I can do is love you

- I think there should be a comma after 'now'.

In my pocket I hide more than words
In my purse I have free lies

- Commas after 'pocket' and 'purse'

My dear, one day I'll kill him

- Comma after 'day'

We both fugitives, but loud

- I actually didn't get this. >.<

Denying it, in dead sound

- If you meant to put a pause after 'it', I suggest using an ellipsis because commas are not really specifically meant for indicating pause, I believe. They're meant to separate words.



I like the simplicity of this poem, I think it's what keeps the reader reading (<-- That was redundant xD). The poem's pretty expressive and reflective too. Anyway, I love the last line too xD. Good job, Sol.

Never stop writing!

My dearest Sol, you've been prolific this week, I think. Here I am, clicking on your featured poem again and giving you a review. Or maybe just my comments.

First, I wanna say that I'm lovin' your style now. I don't read much poetry 'cause I'm not that good at it, but there's something to your work that makes it "Sol"... the simplicity - the words you use are teenish. And that's kind of nice. 'Cause you're starting to have your own identity as a young poet.

Anyway, as I said, I'm not good with reviewing poetry, well, 'cause I'm always not so sure about the theme. But how I understand your poem would have to considered, I guess, so I'm gonna tell you. The theme, for me, I couldn't grasp so well. It doesn't show any lesson. But I may be biased 'cause I dislike rebellion themes. Yeah. So feel free to ignore me now, 'cause my preferences are controlling me for the moment. Maybe I just don't dislike rebelling themes; maybe I hate them. There's always this event that comes to my mind every time I read something about compromising rebellion: Satan's rebellion himself. But that's out of topic, so leave that be.

But the twist was unique. So good job with that. The only thing I'll have to say: next time, try to weave in a lesson. Harsh. I know.

KEEP WRITING!

~ Jash ♥

Oh, my God... thank you, guys. This reviews make me happy!

Hello Solvalery!

One thing foremost of what I like about your style, is how I find it a bit humorous, even if to speak that this is supposed to be sad. But anyways, I would appreciate it if you have rhymed this, since I know you're very good at it.

I agree with the previous critiques, as what they've stated, some grammatical mistakes have covered up the message behind this poem. Like, your readers get distracted when the piece contains some few blunders, and so they started to focus less on the explanation of the poem itself, and more on the errors. There were also some phrases that seemed to be bit forced.

I have something to confess
But my words, they're all bought
So listen to what I'm going to say
Like I'm about to die

I always believe that the first paragraph of a story, or the first few lines of a poem should hook a reader's attention very well so that they would get motivated reading it on the succeeding stanzas. Sad to say, yours could have been better. I didn't get what you mean by "they're all bought". And how you have written "So listen to what I'm going to say" line, since it pulls your readers by force. I don't know, but there are better ways to attract your reader's attention, other than bluntly saying, "listen to me." ^^

Another thing I want to tackle about is how you lack punctuation. As far as I could see, it was only the last stanza that contained commas, period, etc. Punctuation helps the flow of the poem, so I suggest that you start adding them in the right places.

Also, this poem lacks dimension. You know, it's a bit plain to read. This could have been more powerful than the title itself. So why won't you try some good imageries and be more creative with your words? I think this poem needs emotions too.

I apologize in advance if I had been the only harsh reviewer here. Anyways, everything are just all based on my opinions. Hope this review helps and let me know if you have any questions.

Keep writing.

Peace out,
Yuri

I edited the beginning. I hope it's more catchy.

Wow! This poem is so epic!! I love it!
Congrats on getting it featured on YWS!!!

I really like it, it has some errors, and I'm not sure I like the rhythm, but I like it. If you just fixed the grammatical errors, I would love it! Sorry, errors bug me, ESPECIALLY when they're my own. But really, good job and keep writing!

I really love this poem. The last line of the beginning is the only part that I think could be improved dramatically. perhaps change it to, "Im the treacherous witness, I have something to unmask- Sadly, of breaths Im running out, and words i have no more."
Feel free to use that if you want. Im just sayin, the poem works how it is, but i think it could be improved. I love it overall though. Good job!


I'm the treacherous witness, I have something to unmask-Sadly, of words I'm running out,Listen to what I'll say like I'm about to die-

Oh my gosh, I've done that so many times. I'll start writing and it's like I go into a coma, and when I wake up, there's this really creepy poem in my lap.
I only see a couple of things I would edit.

We'll both be fugitives, but loud-

I'm not sure I know what this means. I feel like I almost get it, but I don't, and it's driving me crazy. (Haha, as if I'm not already.)

Listen to what I'll say like I'm about to die-

It really grabs the attention of the reader. I like it.

I don't know anything about rhyme and rhythm, so I'm not going to try to give you advice on that.
That's really all. I loved it! I got chills!

I picture in my head Dr. Jekell and Mr. Hyde when I read this!It's almost as if when the narrator states they've married against their will that they've been fused unbreakable to their shadow-the darker of the two (something to think about). In my mind, it's almost as if be killing Mr. Silence, they're killing the dark side of themselves, their compulsions, their mad desires that run wild and out of control. Anyhow, that's what I got from this! Brilliantly written! I love it when a piece of writing is a whole different thing to everyone. One person might see grammatical errors, another logic, while a third might wonder what a person would have been eating/smoking )--- while writing a beautiful peace of poetry! Keep writing, and until we meet again-Good luck!

-BuTtErFiNgEr

In my pocket, I hide more than words,
In my purse, I have free lies-

--> I get the concept of the story and like it although, I think I missed something and now I wonder what's Mr. Silence, all about? I mean who is Mr.Silence in this story??:)

--> moreover, I like it.