Heartbleed clouds to save me

Today is a beautiful day.

The clouds are towering- a
Rolling, searching mass of heartbleed blue.
I crick my neck and spin, my undeserving
eyes absorbing the colour of life.

Why can't I be a cloud?
Why do I feel colours clashing and
Smashing for space inside my head? If I cried,
Would my tears be rainbows?

Rainbows are a symbol of hope, or are they?
To me the halcyon clouds, who's swirling, bley
Arms of mists wrap you in peace, are the symbol
Of that voice inside your head that says,

Today is a beautiful day.

While the rest of the voices are shouting,
Screaming poisonous madness at your trembling
Spirit; voices that get louder and harsher as you think of not hearing them;
Like thinking of not thinking about pink elephants, they trample over your smile.

Today is a beautiful day.

Is only a whisper, but a whisper with the beauty and palpable emotion
Of heartbleed clouds. Hearbleed clouds can calm and silence pink elephants,
Heartbleed clouds will save my soul.

Hi Tranquility!

This is such a heartfelt poem that it left me dazed and blinking after I finished reading it. The emotion was expressed well, and it took almost no time to read it because the lines flowed so smoothly.

I think the subjects that come up sway a little bit too much off the main idea of the poem. The voice goes off on tangents, and although you always come back to the poem, sometimes things just don't fit in. For example, when the speaker talks of their tears being rainbows, they suddenly start talking, briefly, about rainbows, which doesn't go well with the metaphor before it.

The spelling, grammar, etc. was very good, but some words did not go well together.

The clouds are towering, a
Rolling, boiling mass of heartbleed blue
While I crick my neck and spin, my undeserving
eyes absorbing the colour of life.

First of all, I don't really understand why blue would be "heartbleed", but that may be intentional, or it could just be me. Also, the "rolling, boiling" does not settle well with the fluency of the stanza.

Otherwise, great word choice and creative subject!

Keep writing,

-Lili

Tranquility wrote:Today is a beautiful day.

The clouds are towering, a
Rolling, boiling mass of heartbleed blue Uh...boiling?
While I crick my neck and spin, my undeserving Dunno about "undeserving." Too "telling and not showing."
eyes absorbing the colour of life.

Life, why can't I be a cloud? Life? Are you talking to life?
Why do I feel colours clashing and You just used "colour" not too long ago.
Smashing inside my head. If I cried, The period should be a question mark.
Would my tears be rainbows? Doesn't really seem to flow.

Rainbows are a symbol of hope, or are they?
To me, the searching clouds, who's swirling, bley This line needs reworkage.
Arms of mists wrap you in peace, are the symbol Change the comma to a semicolon and insert a "they" after it.
Of that voice inside your head which says, "That says." Not "which."

Today is a beautiful day.

While the rest of the voices are shouting,
Screaming poisonous madness at your trembling Woah. This change in feeling is really abrupt. Also, I'm not sure I like the interruptive format. Never really fits in poetry.
Spirit: voices which get louder and harsher as you think of not hearing them, Again, "which" should be "that." And the second half of this line could be better.
Like thinking of not thinking about pink elephants, they trample over your smile. Okay, sorry, but pink elephants? Uh, no thanks. Also, a bit unnecessarily complicated in the beginning.

Today is a beautiful day.

Is only a whisper, but a whisper with the beauty and palpable emotion What is?
Of heartbleed clouds. Hearbleed clouds who calm and silence pink elephants. Again.
Heartbleed clouds will save my soul.

Good stuff. Keep it up.

-Kafka

hey there,
wow the title is beautiful. so Bravo there. The poem is well-written, very creative so Bravo there because that is artistry at its best. I really loved your poem and I'm looking forward to all your other work. You deserve a pat on the back.
my favourite lines were:
"Life, why can't I be a cloud?
Why do I feel colours clashing and
Smashing inside my head. If I cried,
Would my tears be rainbows?"
They just spoke to me, wow plus I just love rainbows!!!!
keep it up!
xxx Upile xxx