Drawn Onward

Spectrum of col-col-numbers, numb
brrs in the cold, inin thethe dead
night ofof night, wrecking the
(system) of palindromes*, drawn on
onward by [cracks] in the dæbreak,
hack, h..h...hurt/blood shining
in the iceberg, inin thethe frozen
air, teeth theet* chattering and
shattering on the ice, onon thethe
blue sun, in...in...in degrees
Cell sees us dying in the bitter
wind, carry>ing us away into
dæbreak, into the morning.

Pro: this definitely gives me the sense of battling against the wind, walking through snow with numb limbs and such. The overall image is good, and you did really well in keeping it clear.

Kafkaescence wrote:numb
brrs in the cold, inin thethe dead
night ofof night,

I love these lines.

Con: while the effect with the spelling and the punctuation is creative in some places, it gets a little irritating in others. You put a lot of focus into the sound of the piece, and while you succeed in making the overall atmosphere cold, you do it in a way that's either used a lot in other pieces or in a way that makes me think you were looking at the word and thinking "hmm, I wonder what I could do to make this sound like I'm freezing" and did whatever came to mind. Some of it just really stole from the depth of the piece. But, that's just my opinion. You don't necessarily have to agree.

Overall, though.. great piece.

Hello my friend of the Kafka variety!

I have to agree with earendil's assessment . She did a great job of pointing out the obvious pros and cons, and I don't want to beat that topic till it's blue in the face. At first when I read the poem I wasn't sure what you were trying to do, until I realized that the repetitive sounds mimicked that of someone shivering. I liked that aspect.

Other than to say that I thought it was interesting (although not truly my area of expertise), I don't have any nitpicks. I feel fairly useless, but I suppose being told that your poem is neat will help you in some way...

Happy Writing!
Bailey