Sunny Side Up.

Can you feel that static?
running through the yellow grass, cut ever so close.
The clouds grimace at me, almost;
Because they know your the one shocks me.


An apple fell on my head.
Gravity has always had its way of making me feel dead.
And as we sat awake in bed,
It shook its head at me, almost;


Then we dance in the neon valley, the glowing sun smiling, almost;
As if to say that he knows he is not the brightest thing to me.
With you around, that would be silly.
So raise your glasses, lets make a toast;

To that sunny-side up girl.
Give us a twirl.

nova wrote:Can you feel that static? Nice opening line.
running through the yellow grass, cut ever so close. "Cut ever so close?" To what? I'm not sure what to picture here.
The clouds grimace at me, almost; Almost? Sounds very out of place to me.
Because they know you're the one shocks me. "You're the one shocks me" is incorrect grammar. Maybe "you're the one who shocks me?"


An apple fell on my head.
Gravity has always had its way of making me feel dead. So long. That can't be good for the rhythm.
And as we sat awake in bed,
It shook its head at me, almost; Again with "almost."


Then we dance in the neon valley, the glowing sun smiling, almost; "Glowing sun" is pretty cliched
As if to say that he knows he is not the brightest thing to me. What? This line could be worded better.
With you around, that would be silly. Don't know about "silly."
So raise your glasses, let's make a toast; I'm not a huge fan of this line.

To that sunny-side up girl.
Give us a twirl.

Good job! Keep writing.

-Kafka

I liked the imagery of the poem. I reviewed Kafkaescence 's review of the poem and I saw that they are excellent. Good job with the poem and I think it is excellent. Keep it up