Young Writers Society

When the warm sun comes up,
And the snow melts away.
When the children come out,
And find fun games to play.

When the birds come back home,
The robin, crow, and jay.
When the grass becomes green,
No longer shades of grey.

When the old oak tree blooms,
The leaves begin to sway.
When the shade on the lawn,
Leaves a cool place to lay.

When the sweet smell of salt,
Kicks up from ocean spray.
When the kids build a moat,
In the sedimentary clay.

When the sun always shines,
It will be a good day.
Its spring - and we know it,
Now we all shout 'hooray!'


--Please let me know of ways I could improve this poem. Any types of comments are helpful!--

This is really good (: i enjoyed reading it and i realy suck at poetry so i don't know how
you can find a rhyming word for each xD
Kepp writing (:

Hello there,

When the warm sun comes up,
and the snow melts away.
When the children come out,
and find fun games to play.instead of fun games just use games.

When the birds come back home,
the robin, crow, and jay.
When the grass becomes green,When the grass turns green,
no longer shades of grey.

When the old oak tree blooms,blooms doesn't sound good. Try something different.
the leaves begin to sway.
When the shade on the lawn,
leaves a cool place to lay.

When the sweet smell of salt,
kicks up from ocean spray.The rhyme in this somewhat felt forced.
When the kids build a moat,
in the sedimentary clay.

When the sun always shines,
it will be a good day.
Its spring - and we know it,
now we all shout 'hooray!'

A good poem which could have been a way lot better. I like the entire flow in your poem how you managed the rhyme with the same rhythmic flow. A job well done. You need not capitalize all the first words of all the lines, when there is a comma you should continue without capitalizing. Some rhymes were forced but i can understand how painful it is to rhyme each and everything. All in all a very good piece of poetry.
Keep writing...
PM me for anything..

Thank you for rewiewing my peom. I will take your suggestions into consideration
-Kayde

Kayde2 wrote:When the warm sun comes up,
And the snow melts away. I love the imagery in these first two lines.
When the children come out,
And find fun games to play.

When the birds come back home,
The robin, crow, and jay.
When the grass becomes green,
No longer shades of grey.

When the old oak tree blooms,
The leaves begin to sway. I really think that it would be better to put "and leaves begin to sway."
When the shade on the lawn,
Leaves a cool place to lay. Again, I love the imagery here!

When the sweet smell of salt,
Kicks up from ocean spray. I can almost smell it!
When the kids build a moat,
In the sedimentary clay.

When the sun always shines,
It will be a good day.
Its spring - and we know it,
Now we all shout 'hooray!' Hooray! I love spring :)

Overall, I think that this is a great poem!

Very nice, great imagery that truly captures the essence of spring...even though I'm a winter person...loved the "sedimentary" word, not one that we see too often...
great job capturing all the images of the season, blooming, birds, ext. the beach, ext.

this poem tickled my heart.

this poem is awesome! it makes me miss spring my school has already had 7 snow days from all the snow we've gotten

Hi,
this was very uplifting. loved it. the poem, the rhyming, the imagery it brought on, everything. stupendous! who says poems have to be all fancy and deep? yours had the right amount of everything a poem should have! Inspiring stuff you got here.
-Deelish, birthday girl as of today

I love this poem!
The imagery is really good, I can imagine every single thing that happens in each stanza.
I also like the ABCB rhyme pattern, and it must have been hard to use only the 'ay' sound at the end of every other line.
However the last line

Now we all shout 'hooray!'

seems quite childish, like a 10 year old had written it. While the rest of the poem compensates for it, I still think you should change that.
Apart from that, I like the poem a lot.
Keep writing!

HellO! Just dropped by to say that I really like this! Don't wanna critique anymore- since the other YWSers had given them. So, I'm here to say how great this stuff is! But hey- the last part- for me- is the best part! (yeah, that line with "hooray!" )
I lie the childish effect, and that line made me so happy for sprngtime. aww!

love,
CS

This makes me so excited for spring!

Thanks everyone! I am glad you liked it. I was trying to focus a lot on the imagery I used in this poem. Imagery [in my opinion] is the most difficult aspect of poetry!

I saw some mixed reviews about the last line...the reason I chose this line is because once spring time comes many people begin to act childish. Everyone gets a boost of extra energy and has a hard time calming down.

I am also excited for spring, in 9 minutes I will be officially on spring break!
-Kayde

This is really good! I love spring and you did an amazing job describing it. The only thing I would add is some senses. You talked about the birds and the sun and all that, so I think you should have included sound and feel and that stuff. Kinda like how you included the smell of salt! Other than that, it was awesome!

hiya, I found it really easygoing and calm. It flowed very nicely and had a very sweet ending.I really liked it very much, one to be reading in the spring time whilst on the green grass =D

i am not very good at this reveiw thing but i LOVED this poem.it was very smoth and flowed very well.i have read many poems on this site, and i thought your was the best so far.like way over the top.