Young Writers Society

I admit it's not great, but when I get inspiration, I have to write
Please give me your honest opinion, I would love to be able to improve

It's been a tough day and I can't wait to get home
Can't wait to shut my brain down
But before I'm even halfway there
Up comes a friend who's feeling down
They're a mess, they need my help
And of course I can't turn them down

My minds a mess, it's in a whirl
I don't know what to do
I want to ask for help, for advice
But first I have to help you
And by the time I've listened and talked
And given all the help I can
My feelings have locked down, I can't talk
But I so so wish I can
I know it's great people turn to me
I'm always happy to help
But there are just so many who need me
There's only so much I can do by myself

I always want to turn to someone
To let them know I'm hurting
But before I can, they turn to me
And of course I can't let them down

Hello.
This piece is really good, but I just have one suggestion. Instead of using contractions I would write the word out. It gives the poem more of a flow, but that is just what I would do. Other than that I enjoyed reading this. Curious, do a lot of your friends actually come to you for help with their problems? Otherwise, what was the inspiration for writing this?
Keep it up!
-Kayde

Hello! I just want to tell you first that I haven't been on this site in a very long time, and your poem is the first thing I've read upon returning; I really liked it and enjoyed reading it. I think what I dug most was simply the general message of the piece: here you have someone who's actually pretty sad and down-and-out, but the only people he/she can turn to are looking to him/her for some kind of answer, too wrapped up in their own problems, I guess. I think I can identify with that, myself. You definitely have some good writing going on here.

So! On to the critique, and I hope I can help you and not just sound like a douche. Okay, firsties I want to say that I KIND OF agree with the person who posted above me, about maybe nixing the contractions? The thing about that is it's probably going to have a huge impact or even change the feel of your piece, so I was thinking more like maybe just a couple you'd want to change, like keep most of them but for example maybe your first line could be something like:

"It's been a tough day and I cannot wait to get home"

See what I mean? It still has the voice of that real person but at the same time spruces up the poem a bit. Also I really want to tell you about this first stanza, you have what I think is a mistake:

NerdBurga wrote:Up comes a friend who's feeling down
They're a mess, they need my help
And of course I can't turn them down

You say "up comes A FRIEND" (singular) but then your next two lines are filled with "they" and "them" (plural). Now I'm usually spot-on with grammar rules and things like that, and honestly I'm not even sure if that's wrong or not (not that it's all that important with the beauty of poetic license and playing around with words) but something about it, I don't know, it just struck me as off, like...just doesn't sound right I guess, I feel like it would sound a lot better if either A) it was more specific, such as "she's/he's a mess, she/he needs my help/...turn him/her down" or B)...haha actually I don't even know what option B would be; maybe "up come [some] friends [who're] feeling down" which would fit and flow better with your next two lines but, I don't know I don't think I like the sound of that, either. Bear with me here I'm just throwing suggestions out there. Two other things you may want to improve:

NerdBurga wrote:And by the time I've listened and talked
And given all the help I can
My feelings have locked down, I can't talk

That first line: "And by the time I've listened and TALKED"
I think you should use a different word than talked, because number one you say it again (albeit in a different tense) two lines later, and number two overall it would probably just sound better. Maybe something like, "and by the time I've listened and replied/spoken/shared/advised" just some kind of synonym like any one of those words. Lastly-and this is probably the biggest thing I think you should change-

NerdBurga wrote:But I so so wish I can

I'm gonna say this flat out in honor of your request of honesty: I don't like this line at all, and I think it takes away from an otherwise well-constructed poem. It's too abrupt and weak. You need to put more passion into it, for sure. "I so so wish I can" isn't conveying to me how much this person longs to talk to somebody about the misgivings or bad feelings going on in its head. Actually, I believe this one line is crucial to the entire piece, it's kind of the whole point of the poem, don't you think? I mean, that's what this is about, isn't it, how this person is helping all these people around him or her and really he or she is just as messed up inside and longing for advice or simply a patient ear to vent some things out. And "so so" just isn't cutting it here, it just makes me think of like, I don't know say you go see an okay movie or something and somebody asks you how it was and you just kind of say, "Meh, it was so-so" you know what I mean? Something more along the lines of "But I wish with all my heart that I can" would be more appropriate, obviously not those exact words that's probably a little too long anyway but you get my meaning. Put some relish into it. This person has so much they want to get off their chest, and you should convey that through stronger vocabulary.

Anyway that's just my two cents, you're a good writer and I hope I helped you at least in some way even if it's small

Thanks, I might put up a final edited one soon
Your advice really helped guys! I hope I get a few more comments
Oh and yes, this poem is from personal experience

nice write!!