The Clockwork Hand

8 posts
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 4933
Reviews 45
Deep in the desolate lands of Aldionia, where the ground is naught but ash, and the very air is nothing but swarms of flies, waiting for a poor, lost creature to die, so they can feast upon it, dark men were assembling amongst the ruins of a tower that was once home to a mighty wizard, long since dead.
In the room in which they were assembling was a oaken table, laden with food and drink, in the dank corner of the almost bare room lay a pot, in which a sticky, green substance boiled and simmered in its pool of putridity. The men and dwarves converged around the table and made merry at the feast in front of their eyes. They ate and drank their way into a stupor, until the air grew thick with their songs and perspiration as they drank themselves more into the oblivion which only drink opens the door to.
"But where is the founder of the feast?" shouted Bjorne, King of the Dwarves of Vernke, over the din of the clamour.

"He is rarely seen. He does not wish to walk in the light. He is more than the founder of the feast-He is the Clockwork Hand", replied Longand, Chief of the Bokkenjriders, those bandits from the mountains of Tywald who struck a deal with Physis, handing It their souls, in return for forever bountiful raids and successful plans.

The hubbub grew and grew as time went on, but more of the gay were wondering when they would meet their mysterious host, for they knew that it didn't bode well when a host of a feast such as this does not show his face. But, come he did. From the darkness of the upper levels of that ancient tower echo'd a slow, quiet ticking which hammered its way into the minds of the assemblage. It got louder and louder, while the din of the feast died in its way. From the door came a tall man. In the half light of the tallow, something glinted over his right hand, the source of the ticking. He sauntered to the head of the table and stood, silently, as if waiting.

"Friends", he said suddenly, his voice croaking, yet confident, “Thank you for joining me for this little feast. I know that you must have come from the far corners of the World. But now, to business. I know that you all have given me your service again and again, and for that I am thankful. However, it has come to my attention that you haven't pledged your absolute allegiance to me".

The men shifted uneasily. What did this strange man want with them? How did they do it? Did they have a choice?

"Do not worry," said the Clockwork handed man, “It is a choice. If you choose not to, I will dispense with your service forth-with and you can return home, never to hear of this again. However, if you do choose to stay with me, I will cover you in riches beyond your imaginings. You will take your rightful place with me as rulers of this World and stay in a position that only the Terrabyssians could rival! Now, who is with me?!" he shouted, inflating the greedy hearts of the men.

"How are we to do this, oh Lord?" asked Bjorne.
"Take a deep draught from that cauldron. I promise you that you will never want of anything if you do"

And so it was that twenty of the thirty men that night allied themselves with the Clockwork Hand.

"So", said the wizard, flatly, “You few have decided against my generous offer? Even you, Longand? So be it".

As those ten poor souls made their way to the door, a tongue of fire leapt from the floor and completely enveloped the poor fools. They should have known better than to trust the word of evil. As the flames died away, leaving nothing of those ten, the wizard turned to the ones that remained, and with the fire still burning in his heart he screamed:
"This is the beginning of a new time! We will prepare! We will strengthen! We will arm ourselves with arrow and spear! We are the Deviance Confederacy and we call the World to War!" And so started the Time of Clockwork, unknown as yet to the inhabitants of the World.
~*~
In the Halls of Terrabyss, the Gods had been watching these events.

"Should we act?" asked Lady Spring.

"Of course we should!" shouted Lord Summer, “Fellow Gods and assembled spirits, what can we do? We must not let him go along with this monstrous plan!"

"But what can we do?" replied Hertz, Guardian of the Radioteers

"I think there is a much more pressing matter, ladies and gentlemen", whispered a hoarse voice at the other end of the hall.

"Nomos?! What are you doing here? You're supposed to be judging the departed!" exclaimed Summer, enraged that Nomos, Judge and Keeper of Reason was neglecting It's duty.

"My brother, Physis, is on the World", said the Masked Boy. The Gods, even hot blooded Intel, was shocked to silence.
Last edited by skutter11 on Wed Feb 16, 2011 1:50 pm, edited 2 times in total.
"Madness rides the Star wind"

HP Lovecraft. Ironic, no?




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 8168
Reviews 111
Hi there! :)

This story seems really interesting so far. I like how you had a mix of worldbuilding and describing the setting and setting up the plot, and the way it cut to the Gods at the end. I definitely hope you post more! :D

That said, there are some things that I do think you could improve. First of, I saw quite a few spelling errors, quite a few of which I reckon you could pick up pretty easily with a spell check, and there were also a couple of places where it looked like words were missing.

I went through and picked out some of the sentences which sounded a bit awkward to me or which I think show something that you could improve in the chapter. This is just personal opinion though. :smt001

Deep in the desolate lands of Aldionia, where the groud is naught but ash, and the very air is nothing bu swarms of flies, waiting for a poor, lost creature to die, so they can feast upon it, dark men were assembling amongst the ruins of a tower that was once home to a mighty wizard, long since dead.

They ate and drank their way into a stupor, until the air grew thick with their songs and perspiation as they drank themselves more into the oblivion which only drink opens the door to.

(perspiration?)
Something you do a lot in this story right from the off is use a lot of long sentences packed full of description and a lot of extra clauses tacked on with commas (the opening sentence is a good example of this). It's a style that can work pretty well and seems appropriate for the kind of fantasy story you're telling here, but at some points I think it becomes a bit too much, and makes it heavy and difficult to read. I think if you separated it out and made it so that there's more of a mix of longer and shorter sentences it would flow better.

"He is rarely seen. He does not wish to walk in the light. He is more than the founder of the feast-He is the Clockwork Hand", replied Longand, Chief of the Bokkenjriders, those bandits from the mountains of Tywald who struck a deal with Physis, handing It their souls, in return for forever bountiful raids and successful plans.

You're telling us a lot of things about the bandits in this sentence - interesting things, definitely, and probably things that are important to know for later on, but still, it feels like too much information packed in a small space and at a seemingly random point. At this point we don't need to know this much; all you need to do is peak our curiosity about the characters and then later when it becomes necessary to know more you can slip it in, and it'll feel more appropriate and natural. So, I would suggest taking some of these extra bits out of the sentence.

The hubbub grew and grew as time went on, but more of the gay were wondering when they would meet their mysterious host

Spelling error? Freudian typo with regards to these characters? :P I suppose this could be a made up word for the group, but you might want to choose something more fantasy sounding if so.

a slow, quiet ticking which hammered it's way into the minds of the asseblage

(assemblage?)
I really like the idea of a small sound filling the silence, and this could be a really awesome dramatic moment but the verb 'hammered' feels kind of off to me - it makes me think of some heavy smashing or something, which doesn't really seem to be what you're going for here. There's probably another word that would fit better here although I'm not sure what.

Oh dear, this review has got way too long as mine always seem to do, but I've got just one more thing:

asked Lady Spring.

shouted Lord Summer

whispered a hoase voice

(hoarse?)
exclaimed Summer

Words like 'shouted', 'whispered' etc can be a great way to describe dialogue and flesh out a scene but it's also fine to use said. XD The good thing about said is that your eyes skim over it, and that can be a good thing in a scene with lots of dialogue, where you want to concentrate on what people are saying.

So overall, I think this has a lot potential and you've already set up a really interesting plot, but there are a few edits you can make to capitalize on everything that it's got going for it.

PM me if you have any questions, and if you post any more and would like a review I'd be happy to. :D




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1100
Reviews 3
Please forgive me if I repeat what was already said in another review, I only skimmed the previous one.

I really liked the plot of the story. Also, your setting is wonderful. This world is amazing! Your characters are interesting, and their reactions are realistic. I really liked how you cut to the Gods at the end. I'm very proud, because I use Summer and Spring as deities as well! Go team Seasons!

Some of your words seem to be unfinished, which happens to everyone when they type fast. For example,
...where the groud is naught but ash, and the very air is nothing bu swarms of flies...


In this part of the sentence, "ground" and "but" are incomplete, as I've highlited. The best thing for this is time and a spell check.

Anther thing that was a little odd was this:

In the room inwhich they were assembling...


In my own opinion, it would sound better like this: "Within the room in which they were assembling..." This also had that quick-typing flaw that I talked about earlier.

In all, it was a really great story. I want to know what happens next! If you continue this, please let me know!
The Bard Chronicles: http://youngwriterssociety.com/novel.php?id=1134

Master of Words: novel.php?id=1039

If you review those two, send me a PM containing a link to something you'd like reviewed.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 4933
Reviews 45
Dear Readers,

Thank you for your reviews. I am hoping to start other cycles of the World other than this one:

-The Legend Cycle (as started in "The Beginning")
-The Time of Clockwork (Starting NOW!)
-The Later Days (starting soon)

and plenty of others. Thank you for picking up the spelling mistakes and missing words and I'll try to edit them soon,

With all due respect,
skutter11
"Madness rides the Star wind"

HP Lovecraft. Ironic, no?




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 1049
Reviews 4
WOW this is a really good start! I love the setting....
The one thing I can contribute, and other people have probably said this in their reviews, is watch your sentences.
I don't mean to chastisise or criticise at all, I'm just saying in the beginning there it might have been a few things you could have done the make it better. My suggestion is that you re-read your story, and break down those long, opening sentences.
Just a suggestion.
You really don't have to.
If you wanted to keep them that would be fine I guess too. They do give a descriptive, setting the scene kind of feel so that no one is confused as to what is going on.
Really good storyline from what is here, I really like it :D
"....A thousand stars at night may go wizzing above you head, but in you is a presence that is, and will be, when all the stars are dead."
Life is too short to fit in!




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 1049
Reviews 4
WOW this is a really good start! I love the setting....
The one thing I can contribute, and other people have probably said this in their reviews, is watch your sentences.
I don't mean to chastisise or criticise at all, I'm just saying in the beginning there it might have been a few things you could have done the make it better. My suggestion is that you re-read your story, and break down those long, opening sentences.
Just a suggestion.
You really don't have to.
If you wanted to keep them that would be fine I guess too. They do give a descriptive, setting the scene kind of feel so that no one is confused as to what is going on.
Really good storyline from what is here, I really like it :D
"....A thousand stars at night may go wizzing above you head, but in you is a presence that is, and will be, when all the stars are dead."
Life is too short to fit in!




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 4933
Reviews 45
A note to kiwi-
A "gay" was usually a happy collection of people, I use archaic language a lot in these stories and, sometimes, archaic meanings too. And Nina, glad you enjoyed it. One day, I may even think of a name for "the World".
"Madness rides the Star wind"

HP Lovecraft. Ironic, no?




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 8168
Reviews 111
Oh, right, fair enough. :) I've heard it used as an adjective to mean happy, but I didn't think it could be a verb. Well, you learn something new every day!



Brain freezes are temporary, but milkshakes are forever.
— SilverNight