Windmill and Smile

Two poems in one, written straight after the other.
I figured I'd save some space on the board :D


Windmill

You stand alone in the field,
Your wheel clattering as you sway
To and fro
Moving only when pushed
Moving with the wind.
Windmill you stand alone
Until broken, and then you are
Replaced


Smile

The first flashes of pearly white teeth
Make your heart pound.
A babies toothless smile
Makes mine.
Tentative smiles
Will make you nod
While I will try to hide.
A random grin
Will put a laugh into my voice
Which you do not know about
As I will always hide
A smile.

nice, sweet, simple. i liked the somber tone of WINDMILL compared to SMILES. but i'm only comparing them because they on the same thread. BOARD SPACE SAVER - I WORSHIP YOU!

right, that won't happen again. good job, and keep up the board space saving.

This was good ! Keep on writing!

Windmill is definitely my favourite out of the two: I didn't entirely get what it was about (well, I may have done, but I'm not sure...) but I loved how it worked on me, in any case.

Problems with it:

To and fro
Moving only when pushed
Moving with the wind.

You're going for the gently swaying, twirling rhythm of the windmill - you don't want your poetry to be a-rushing: get commas after "fro" and "pushed" or else it hurrys on far too fast.

Problem with it, actually that's all there is.


Now, the second one I didn't like nearly so much.

A babies toothless smile

should be "baby's"

Tentative smiles
Will make you nod
While I will try to hide.

Horrible rhythm in that last line - read it out loud, and then cut some syllables from it, or lengthen the other two.

A random grin
Will put a laugh into my voice
Which you do not know about
As I will always hide
A smile.

NOT ENOUGH PUNCTUATION - this is all one breath, no pauses and no stops, because you haven't put any comma or semi-colons or colons or hyphens in it! Again, read it out loud, and put in this stuff where your natural breath pauses are.

The first is lovely, simple and touching - the second reads as contrived and a bit trite. I'd definitely keep the first as a momument to how the simplist ideas can be the most thought-provoking.

Tres bien, c'est une porte à une image.

nice very nice infact it was so nice it was fantasticly brilliant =D>